Monica Nevi

Comedian

Tag: Meditation

The Best Gifts for 2020

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On December 14, 2020

In Blog Entry

What a year it has been. The only certainty we have now is that something else fucked up will happen before it’s over. If you are anything like the American public you can relate to a tighter financial budget for this holiday season and a tighter emotional budget to match. With both of those things in mind I have put together a short list of gifts that will be perfect for anyone this pandemic holiday season. I have added links to the best and most affordable versions available.

6 Ideas For Last Minute Gifts in 2020

  1. Pandemic Coupon Book: This item would be the DIY option and depending on what you choose to include, it can be a thoughtful and low cost gift. Similar to a love coupon book where you exchange an oral sex coupon for actually having to put effort into your relationship, the Pandemic Coupon Book can have things like “get out of one political conversation”, “one zoom call WITH makeup” or “one socially distant trip to your house where I take your phone and smash it with a hammer for you.”
  2. Anything Schitt’s Creek: It seems funny that it has always been a bad thing to be up Schitt’s Creek, until now. In reality you don’t want to be up Schitt’s Creek without your Roland Schitt all over photo leggings or a wine glass that says “fold in the cheese.” Schitt’s Creek really got the wind in its sails right as it was reaching the shore. Therefore, inevitably it is on the same level as The Office where you can make merchandise and instagram accounts dedicated to its quotes for years and years to come. Might as well stock up on some silly gifts now before they run out of Mutt tree ornaments.
  3. Fill Out A Form: File someone’s unemployment claim for them, apply your friends for an EBT card, fill in the answers on a BuzzFeed quiz and help them figure out which Friends character they are. People hate filling out forms, most companies bank on saving money because no one wants to fill out the form to get it back. It’s free for you and far more useful than the fucked up hat you were going to knit them.
  4. Sweatpants: Maybe you get this person some nice outfit or beauty supply gift basket every year but save it. No one is out here, trying to look good right now. We are all giving it one day a week and from the waist up, at most. Get some nice, cozy sweatpants. Something that will absorb the shame of delivery food for every meal but you can wear to the gas station two nights in a row. It’s rare that people get themselves some quality sweatpants, you’ll be a hero.
  5. Relaxation: This could be a bath bomb, a box of CBD gummies or a guided meditation album by Monica Nevi called Chill (you knew it was coming). It could be something sexual, some people haven’t been touched in almost a year, not even from the pandemic, just in general. Get ’em something that vibrates. Are you the wild friend that loves Chardonnay and always gets everyone a vibrator? Well, this is the perfect time to check in on a friend and send some good vibes. Get them a yoga membership for online classes. Help them destress in anyway possible but the most important thing is that you show you really care by getting them a copy of Chill by Monica Nevi.
  6. Support Something Local or Small: I would gladly take a box of sticks if it supported a good cause. Maybe you are shopping for one of those people that just has everything and buys themself stuff all the time. Force them to be a better person, get them something that benefits a good cause or supports a small business or artist. I hope Bezos only gets gifts that are directly purchased from small, independent businesses or artists. Artwork is a really cool gift. Get someone some artwork, all artists need the support right now. Buy them an album from an independent artist (or comedian) they will like. The live standup album, Mostly Finger Guns by Monica Nevi is available in dropcard form and will get to you before the holiday.

This year is about pivoting. Pivoting is so much easier when wearing your “nice sweats.” Give the gift that represents 2020 the best, something they didn’t ask for.

Find some of the things on the list here:

All Over Schitt’s Creek: AllOverShirts.com

Dani Dodge, Artist: studiododge.com

Easton Johnson, Personal Training: beastonathleticperformance.com

Monica Nevi, Comedy and Meditation: monicanevi.com/store

Meditation is Stupid

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On December 2, 2020

In Blog Entry

Meditation is for dirty hippies and spiritual weirdos, they smell of pine trees and sweat because they made their own deodorant. Meditation is weird chanting in rooms full of rich women who want to connect to the spiritual earth and then drive off in a Range Rover with their unvaccinated children. It has a similar feel to yoga with less farts, hopefully. Guided meditation feels weird and I don’t like listening to someone I wouldn’t be friends with in the first place try to calm me down. Bitch, I am calm.

I meditate everyday, I just put out a guided meditation album, I still believe all the things I said above.

Meditation is Whatever You Want It To Be

The definition of meditation is as elusive as the act itself. That’s because the self-righteous love nothing more than to make something simple seem really difficult.

It’s very hard to do! Be impressed!

The Self-righteous Meditator

Some say meditation is practicing for death. I did not know we were supposed to practice. Since most of us will die in different ways, I suppose it’s fitting that meditation is different for everyone.

Meditation is just clearing your mind and letting thoughts pass by you instead of holding on and thinking about them. Sure, you can sit there and close your eyes and try to completely clear your mind or you can breathe out so upsettingly loud you can’t think about anything else. Sit-meditation is not the only thing you can do. There are motion meditations, so you focus on doing concentrated motion and only that motion, the more repetitive the better. The old people at the park who look like they are fighting each other in slow motion, that’s meditative.

Ever heard anyone say ‘I’m in the zone?’ That’s the same thing, doing one thing where you don’t think about anything else. Not that fight you had with your partner, not the fact your boss doesn’t pay you enough and not your in-laws. Stress goes out the window when you are just focused on one thing.

I love how meditation enthusiasts think it’s the fix-all for everything. Of course it is, it’s literally not thinking about anything. It’s, in the most physical sense you can mean it, taking your mind off of your stress.

Duh it works.

But you could say that about getting black out drunk. It is still there when you come back. The difference is that the anxiety, shakes and headache I have after a blackout do not aid in my ability to see my stresses from a different angle or to have collected myself. A blackout will definitely allow me to forget about the stresses because I was too busy making new ones, I heard.

What is Comedic Meditation

You can meditate in whatever way you want to, as long as you get a break from the demented whirlwind of stressors that is your own mind. You don’t need a robe or to smell like dirt to achieve that. This is why I like comedic meditation, to remind you not to take yourself so fucking seriously. As the worry of not being able to focus on your breathing creeps in, a strong curse word will tell it to fuck right off. When that self-righteousness shitstorm tornado touches down, a good dick joke will kick you in your ass and bring you back down to earth, connecting you to mother nature. Dick jokes and swear words connect you to the matriarch of life.

Yes, I do have a new guided meditation album that is this exact thing, so I like it. I genuinely enjoy listening to my own album, the self-righteousness is what makes me fit into this community. My specific brand is more motivation and positive affirmation mediation.

There is only one criteria for meditation to be helpful and adequate, did it make you feel good? Smiling and laughing are my favorite feelings, so I made meditations that provide that. It helps that an incredible composer (Jeremy Shabo) put some perfect and original meditation music behind each track. A comedic guided meditation is still a meditation and so, by my own logic, it is stupid. Stupid stuff is hilarious.

If you take 5-7 minutes to relax and every 10-30 seconds you smile or laugh, that’s pretty fucking powerful. Plus if meditation is a practice for death, I rather go out laughing anyway.

If you think meditation is stupid and too hippy dippy for you, try comedic meditation. If you like meditation and want to deepen your understanding of self, try comedic meditation. If you are a hardcore meditator or instructor remember it’s much easier to focus on your breathing when you pull your head out of your ass, try comedic guided meditation.

Try it right now. Right here: Chill by Monica Nevi

Leave a comment or contact form if you want to hire me for your company Christmas party, clearly I am very motivating.

Stolen Ideas and Chappelle

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On November 25, 2020

In Uncategorized

I normally don’t get too involved but the series of events leading up to this somehow seemed, meant to be but not in the good way.

They Stole Chappelle’s Show

Yesterday there was a video that Dave Chapelle put out on his Instagram from one of his now infamous Pandemic field shows. It was long and serious for the majority but like anything he puts out we watched all 18 minutes. He told a story of an older comic stealing his joke when he was just 15, he then told the intricate and complicated details of Chappelle’s Show and what happened. The way he talked about the contracts and people taking advantage of performers because none of us actually understand those contracts hit home and is something comedians are often worried about, although it rarely comes into play in the magnitude of Chappelle’s Show

His story is always going to be an amplified version of the rest of us but most working comics have some story like that. A TV taping where they own the clip of you from 10 years ago cannot be taken down or you see nothing of the profits for the clip of one of your favorite jokes that everyone knows and loves.

That happened to me. I did multiple TV tapings for a few different shows, made $100 when an episode would air, not paid for the taping and then when they decided to put it on YouTube/Facebook (and some clips have hundreds of thousands of views and some have millions) I get nothing. This stuff happens all the time. For that reason, a lot of people decided not to do a couple of the shows I did but they already had late night credits and resumes that I still don’t have.

It’s VERY easy to look back and go “oh, that’s stupid, why did you do that?” I’ll tell you why. The industry makes you feel like you’re worth nothing ON PURPOSE so that you won’t question them. I had never had a TV credit, the next person it happens to has never sold a show and Chappelle wasn’t famous like he is now until after he signed that contract. The thing that in the end fucks you over, is also what helped you start? It’s fucked up and the powers that be know that.

If he had just put it out on YouTube, especially at that time, even if he had miraculously had the money to make something of that quality without a network, it would not have been what it is. Basically what I’m saying is it is a constant double edged sword of ‘do I let people use me for what I have created to get the attention it deserves’ OR ‘do I do it myself and have it reach less people but retain my rights and the money it makes?’ I have literally read contracts and thought ‘I don’t know what that means but no one else seems to have a problem with it.’

Chappelle ends by asking people not to watch the thing he created, the thing that created him as we know him. I’m listening, I love that show, we used to get in trouble for watching the downloaded versions during math class in high school. I will not watch it and genuinely hope they pay him for it.

It’s his, it has his fucking name on it. They stole that from him.

I’m Doing It And It’s Not Working

I have created my own work, the way I wanted to, put it out where I could, I am the independent artist that people keep telling us to be. I won’t pretend that has been my choice but it has been my path. However, the same exact stand-up set that got over a million views is on my YouTube channel with 8.4% of that amount of views. Still the highest I have been paid for that set, I thought scoffing to myself. I got a grant to make a documentary series that I literally made no money on. I paid over $6,000 of my own money THIS YEAR to create the two albums and market them myself. Is it worth it? Creatively, I do think so. Financially, definitely not yet, I can tell you that.

I did the thing people are saying you are supposed to do. I made it myself, put out QUALITY that I am proud of, employed other small businesses and independent artists and I can guarantee you, it won’t do as well as if I had signed a stupid contract with someone who would take advantage of brilliant, hard work.

The Icing on the Stolen Cake

I finished two albums this year, yeah this year of all years. Two albums I have dreamed of completing for so long. First, my standup album “Mostly Finger Guns” went number one on iTunes, another dream come true. I won’t know the financial returns on that for three months but exciting none-the-less.

I have also created and am about to release a comedic guided meditation album called Chill, that I am incredibly excited about and proud of. Here is the icing on the cake, I didn’t do what Dave did. I did what the very popular rebellious comedians do, I did it myself. All by myself. I wrote and recorded the lyrics, I paid a fantastic composer (Jeremy Shabo) to create original music for each track, hired a guy who normally mixes blockbuster movies to mix half of the tracks, paid for the artwork, the marketing, the distribution to stores, I filmed and/or edited the videos myself. I want it to go number one as well, the first meditation album to do so and very quick turnaround to have two number ones albums, I want that.

It’s just not how it goes. This morning I woke up to make sure the video I had made to premiere the fourth track on the Chill album, “Family Time” was up on YouTube correctly. It looked fine until I stumbled upon another guided meditation that was to come out today. It was from a musician that I had reached out to and asked to be involved with this video. The musician was excited, loved the idea but travel got in the way and we couldn’t have them involved. Then somehow on the same day they put out a guided meditation about the same topic we had discussed? Cool, cool, cool.

I have spent the last two months looking for meditation groups online, podcasts, blogs that would be interested in posting about this album. A post on reddit about it was adorned with the first comment of “she? It can’t be funny if a woman made it.” IN A MEDITATION GROUP. I have become immune to the comments about my weight, my gray hair, my anything else but in a meditation group? Not to mention over 20 newspapers and magazines I e-mailed about both albums and not I can’t stop thinking about what those mean comments would be like, a girl can dream. They just won’t be funny dreams.

Here is My Whiny Little Point.

At the very core of this argument, I think deep down every person feels like the person responsible for creating, who starts it and who does the hard work of creating should be the person who reaps the rewards. How on earth, is it that the person who just happens to have a job at a network or agency can make more from something someone created than that actual person? No one knew we would be where we are now with Chappelle and it’s not about giving a rich man more money but I genuinely believe that the genius, as we all have deemed him, should be the one getting the reward.

I have said it, written it and lived the idea that we should be supporting artist now, finding who you like in the “minor-stream” and following them, buying their stuff, watching their videos. They could be the next huge thing or you could just be making a huge difference for them. It’s the same thing as going to a smaller college for more individual attention and smaller class numbers, it makes a much bigger difference when you show up.

Of course this is self-serving but did you think Dave Chappelle posting that video so people would boycott the show in order for him to get paid wasn’t? I absolutely want you to read this and think “I am going to support smaller comedians in their independent endeavors so they don’t get screwed over by contracts, Monica is one of my favorites, I’ll pre-order her meditation album ‘Chill’ right now by going to the iTunes store and searching her name.” Yes, that’s what I want you to think, will you do it? Based on Dave’s experience, people stealing my work and the numbers on the music video today, I won’t hold my breath.

Use this link to get the meditation album.

Staying Soft Is Hard

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On June 5, 2018

In Blog Entry

The title is a dick joke? This will be a good one.

As tempted as I am every time I sit down to write to just bombard you with blog posts of only dick jokes, this is about keeping a flaccid heart. In the very base of it aren’t we all just a bunch of dickheads running around pretending we know what we are doing?

Staying Soft With Myself

I have not had the easiest time in my life being soft to the world. Just based on how many times people have said “I thought you were going to beat someone up when you first got on stage” I can tell maybe I don’t have the most inviting vibe. However, once you are in the circle, once you are one of my people, I am extremely soft. Which is potentially why it is so difficult to get into.

I have realized, over the last year and a half, the person I have always been the hardest to was myself. Just a real boner, trying to force myself to do things, deny myself things I really wanted or ridiculing myself for any lack of anything. Which is probably what has made my attempts to be soft more difficult.

Very important to note here that soft does not mean weak. It probably is the stronger, more powerful of the two. Like quicksand, it takes a little longer but eventually it takes everything. Being hard can only last so long before you have to go see a doctor. Once, I was able to accept that being soft was not being weak, in fact it took more from me than any tough-bitch bullshit I had pulled before, then I felt like it was a challenge that I wanted to beat. A very competitive, almost macho outlook on this topic, I know but baby steps.

I still have very little idea what I’m doing and how to really be soft with myself but I can tell you that I have made some very interesting changes and I can tell just that, changes. Last year I started writing letters to my friends and drawing them terrible pictures of whatever animals I thought they might be able to make out. It was like mail charades. I also decide to start listening to myself more and what I really wanted and not what other people kept telling me I wanted. Did you know they don’t know the answer to that? I spent a lot of time pushing things away and trying to control everything that was happening instead of accepting exactly what I wanted and what made me feel good and letting things happen.

I’m also impatient, turns out. This has been huge in the being soft to myself category. It’s tough to give and take time to actually be good to myself. As gross as it sounds, I have to love myself. So I have spent the last year constantly masturbating. Kidding, although it’s hard not to when it’s so easy to access TubeV Sex. What I mean is that I need to love myself as a person. Even writing this now makes my insides roll their eyes a little bit still but the craziest thing that has ever happened to me happened this year… I have felt good FOR NO REASON. There have been a lot of personal changes this year but it has also been one of the more stressful times in my life, which prompted the changes, because I told myself I wasn’t going to let it make me hard again. I was going to keep my focus on staying soft, like a boy in junior high P.E. I was going to stay flaccid and easy to move. I wasn’t going to poke anyone else or have to hide myself in public. When my heart is erect, it is intentional, so I have to keep my flaccid heart to myself.

Many techniques have helped me with this, including meditation, writing and doing real weird energy shit but I am really enjoying making everything a dick joke the most.

Staying Soft With Other People

Most of life is super easy if there are no other people in it. Easy doesn’t mean good. Which makes staying soft to others the most difficult. Some times it seems like they are put there just to get you all riled up. Difficult to stay soft when there are so many pussies and buttholes running around. We have to do it anyway. Being hard hearted to others doesn’t help either of you.

Remember from earlier that we are all dickheads and no one knows what they are truly doing. That’s what I have learned, we are all just guessing and some of us are better at being confident about our guesses. We are not in control, someone can be a boner at anytime. The only thing we can control is ourselves and we all make mistakes, I know that for sure. They don’t know what they are doing either. Their isn’t a way to know what’s going to happen or how it will happen, we just know that it will happen, whatever it is. So be patient with them too right? Making a boner go away takes some specific thoughts but most importantly it takes a little time. Patience with other people is very crucial to staying soft and no one wants to help the person who is hard in the middle of everyone.

I am still having so much fun with this dick analogy but it may be making less and less sense.

The big thing with other people and staying soft to them is that they are OTHER people and really what they do has little to do with you. Making yourself hard over other people’s lifestyles is just a waste of everyone’s time that I have never really understood. I want you to be exactly who you want to be, do what you want to do and love who or what you want to love, especially yourself. If we look at other people’s lives with softness then their differences don’t bother us as much. Example, it’s pride month and if you have a problem with same-sex relationships then that makes you hard, which seems to be the opposite of what you were trying to do.

I’m not sure this even says anything but I am so happy with how many dick jokes I was able to fit into one post. Don’t let the tough things in life make you hard, if it breaks your heart, try and let it break it open.

Stay soft my friends.

 

The Most Concerning Poll Results this ENTIRE Election!

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On November 1, 2016

In Uncategorized

The media tells us something different about the 2016 Presidential Election everyday. Clinton is winning today but Trump is winning tomorrow. The only information scarier than what the media is reporting is what they are not. There are things going on in our country and on an individual level that we are ignoring. Everyday our overall lack of self-awareness, the presence of self-hate and our inherent ability to just be mean to ourselves and one another are marching us closer to the end of times.debate1

At this point you are wondering what I am talking about. A week ago I took it upon myself to start a twitter poll asking one of the most important questions asked this year. The poll and results brought up some tremendous concerns on literal and figurative levels.

The Question

If time travel was possible and a future version of yourself returned to your current self and offered to go down on you, would you do it?

The Results:
twitter-poll
It was a tight race most of the time. Yes was up for quite awhile. Then No. Then Yes. Then No.

The Concern

First of all, there is a right answer. It is yes. The concern with the majority ending up swaying to the no side is that there is a blatant lack of self-love happening. If we can’t even love ourselves, how are we supposed to love anyone else? I have always said, why would I expect anyone else to want to have a box lunch or have sex with me if I wouldn’t consider it myself? Think about the product you are putting out there before criticizing other people for not wanting it. If you are confident in yourself, they will be drawn to you. Secondly, you don’t have to tell anyone. Even if you were embarrassed by kneeling at your own altar, which you shouldn’t be, you could 100% keep it a secret. I can’t even tell who voted for what on twitter unless you added a clever disclaimer. My initial thought is if you are afraid to say yes for some feeling of shame, there is probably another list of things you are hiding. Finally, since it is hypothetical at this point you get to pick what version of yourself it is. You can get your shit together, you can be the body type or personality type you want to be and then be rewarded for the work you have yet to put into that body. If you are having issues with your own confidence you get to make your future self who you want to be, which is a fun exercise. What can you add to your life to allow yourself time travel self pleasure?

Great Points by Voters

Much like the election, the poll led to some points that I hadn’t even thought of from both sides. Some had concerns about what their future self might look like:

Although I had not considered that, I figured it is a hypothetical and you can make yourself as hot as you want. Which brings us back to the original point of lacking self worth. You can make your body however you want it in a fantasy, the second guy wanted a bigger version of himself. You get to chose how hot you are but your negative thoughts about yourself aren’t allowing you to do that. Others nailed this part:

I didn’t necessarily mean for it to be a divisive question and was honestly prepared for people to be full of humor and self love and say yes. However, some people were just as appalled as I was and let us know their reasons:

The Flaws

There are a few flaws in the process:

  1. Small voter turnout. It is a known political science statistic that results stop varying after a sample size of 1,200 votes are taken, which was well off from 53 voters in this poll.
  2. Voter requirements. Although advertised on other social media outlets, the voter must have had a twitter account to be able to participate in the poll, leaving many unable to vote.
  3. Potential voter fraud. There was one conservative voter than was very unhappy with the idea that people may want to say yes to themselves and after leaving the polling headquarters to go hang out with a group of registered but uncounted voters the numbers jumped up on the no side.

I am not saying the results would be different had these flaws been addressed but it may be worth trying again.

The Election

What does this have to do with current Presidential Election that will wrap up in just a matter of days? So much. We have spent the last year compiling reasons why we hate each of the candidates and letting those drops of hatred creep into our feelings for one another and based on this poll our feelings for ourselves. The fact that every single one of us does not shout “YES!” when asked if we would let our future self go down on us is a sad reflection of what we think the future holds for healthcare, education, science programs and equality in our nation. If we can’t be confident enough in the United States of America’s ability to provide healthcare affordable enough that all of our futures include a healthy and attractive body to visit the southern regions, an America with an education system that promotes self worth and love, science programs that make this scenario less hypothetical and more realistic or provide an environment where people of any race, religion, socio-economic background, mental health, gender or sexual orientation feel confident in who they are and comfortable enough with themselves that they feel excited about letting their time traveling clone go to work downstairs then I think we are in far more trouble than we realized.

The moral of the story is that we need to vote, for the best interest of ourselves and upholding the important things we hold dear to each of us. You should be number one on your list all the time, you’re great. The other important part to realize is that this was just another perfect example of how my freedom of speech allowed me to use something so ridiculous to force my positive thoughts on you. I love you and it’s okay if you don’t like it. Here are two things you can do to help you get to “I love myself so  much I would go down on myself” levels of thinking:

Mellowing Out with Monica – November Meditation

listen to the HugLife Podcast (huglifepodcast.com) and buy a You’re Great shirt to remind yourself 🙂 Get it here.

youre-great-red

 

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