Meditation is for dirty hippies and spiritual weirdos, they smell of pine trees and sweat because they made their own deodorant. Meditation is weird chanting in rooms full of rich women who want to connect to the spiritual earth and then drive off in a Range Rover with their unvaccinated children. It has a similar feel to yoga with less farts, hopefully. Guided meditation feels weird and I don’t like listening to someone I wouldn’t be friends with in the first place try to calm me down. Bitch, I am calm.

I meditate everyday, I just put out a guided meditation album, I still believe all the things I said above.

Meditation is Whatever You Want It To Be

The definition of meditation is as elusive as the act itself. That’s because the self-righteous love nothing more than to make something simple seem really difficult.

It’s very hard to do! Be impressed!

The Self-righteous Meditator

Some say meditation is practicing for death. I did not know we were supposed to practice. Since most of us will die in different ways, I suppose it’s fitting that meditation is different for everyone.

Meditation is just clearing your mind and letting thoughts pass by you instead of holding on and thinking about them. Sure, you can sit there and close your eyes and try to completely clear your mind or you can breathe out so upsettingly loud you can’t think about anything else. Sit-meditation is not the only thing you can do. There are motion meditations, so you focus on doing concentrated motion and only that motion, the more repetitive the better. The old people at the park who look like they are fighting each other in slow motion, that’s meditative.

Ever heard anyone say ‘I’m in the zone?’ That’s the same thing, doing one thing where you don’t think about anything else. Not that fight you had with your partner, not the fact your boss doesn’t pay you enough and not your in-laws. Stress goes out the window when you are just focused on one thing.

I love how meditation enthusiasts think it’s the fix-all for everything. Of course it is, it’s literally not thinking about anything. It’s, in the most physical sense you can mean it, taking your mind off of your stress.

Duh it works.

But you could say that about getting black out drunk. It is still there when you come back. The difference is that the anxiety, shakes and headache I have after a blackout do not aid in my ability to see my stresses from a different angle or to have collected myself. A blackout will definitely allow me to forget about the stresses because I was too busy making new ones, I heard.

What is Comedic Meditation

You can meditate in whatever way you want to, as long as you get a break from the demented whirlwind of stressors that is your own mind. You don’t need a robe or to smell like dirt to achieve that. This is why I like comedic meditation, to remind you not to take yourself so fucking seriously. As the worry of not being able to focus on your breathing creeps in, a strong curse word will tell it to fuck right off. When that self-righteousness shitstorm tornado touches down, a good dick joke will kick you in your ass and bring you back down to earth, connecting you to mother nature. Dick jokes and swear words connect you to the matriarch of life.

Yes, I do have a new guided meditation album that is this exact thing, so I like it. I genuinely enjoy listening to my own album, the self-righteousness is what makes me fit into this community. My specific brand is more motivation and positive affirmation mediation.

There is only one criteria for meditation to be helpful and adequate, did it make you feel good? Smiling and laughing are my favorite feelings, so I made meditations that provide that. It helps that an incredible composer (Jeremy Shabo) put some perfect and original meditation music behind each track. A comedic guided meditation is still a meditation and so, by my own logic, it is stupid. Stupid stuff is hilarious.

If you take 5-7 minutes to relax and every 10-30 seconds you smile or laugh, that’s pretty fucking powerful. Plus if meditation is a practice for death, I rather go out laughing anyway.

If you think meditation is stupid and too hippy dippy for you, try comedic meditation. If you like meditation and want to deepen your understanding of self, try comedic meditation. If you are a hardcore meditator or instructor remember it’s much easier to focus on your breathing when you pull your head out of your ass, try comedic guided meditation.

Try it right now. Right here: Chill by Monica Nevi

Leave a comment or contact form if you want to hire me for your company Christmas party, clearly I am very motivating.