Tag: Chill Meditation Album

The Best Gifts for 2020

On December 14, 2020

What a year it has been. The only certainty we have now is that something else fucked up will happen before it’s over. If you are anything like the American public you can relate to a tighter financial budget for this holiday season and a tighter emotional budget to match. With both of those things in mind I have put together a short list of gifts that will be perfect for anyone this pandemic holiday season. I have added links to the best and most affordable versions available.

6 Ideas For Last Minute Gifts in 2020

Pandemic Coupon Book: This item would be the DIY option and depending on what you choose to include, it can be a thoughtful and low cost gift. Similar to a love coupon book where you exchange an oral sex coupon for actually having to put effort into your relationship, the Pandemic Coupon Book can have things like “get out of one political conversation”, “one zoom call WITH makeup” or “one socially distant trip to your house where I take your phone and smash it with a hammer for you.”
Anything Schitt’s Creek: It seems funny that it has always been a bad thing to be up Schitt’s Creek, until now. In reality you don’t want to be up Schitt’s Creek without your Roland Schitt all over photo leggings or a wine glass that says “fold in the cheese.” Schitt’s Creek really got the wind in its sails right as it was reaching the shore. Therefore, inevitably it is on the same level as The Office where you can make merchandise and instagram accounts dedicated to its quotes for years and years to come. Might as well stock up on some silly gifts now before they run out of Mutt tree ornaments.
Fill Out A Form: File someone’s unemployment claim for them, apply your friends for an EBT card, fill in the answers on a BuzzFeed quiz and help them figure out which Friends character they are. People hate filling out forms, most companies bank on saving money because no one wants to fill out the form to get it back. It’s free for you and far more useful than the fucked up hat you were going to knit them.
Sweatpants: Maybe you get this person some nice outfit or beauty supply gift basket every year but save it. No one is out here, trying to look good right now. We are all giving it one day a week and from the waist up, at most. Get some nice, cozy sweatpants. Something that will absorb the shame of delivery food for every meal but you can wear to the gas station two nights in a row. It’s rare that people get themselves some quality sweatpants, you’ll be a hero.
Relaxation: This could be a bath bomb, a box of CBD gummies or a guided meditation album by Monica Nevi called Chill (you knew it was coming). It could be something sexual, some people haven’t been touched in almost a year, not even from the pandemic, just in general. Get ’em something that vibrates. Are you the wild friend that loves Chardonnay and always gets everyone a vibrator? Well, this is the perfect time to check in on a friend and send some good vibes. Get them a yoga membership for online classes. Help them destress in anyway possible but the most important thing is that you show you really care by getting them a copy of Chill by Monica Nevi.
Support Something Local or Small: I would gladly take a box of sticks if it supported a good cause. Maybe you are shopping for one of those people that just has everything and buys themself stuff all the time. Force them to be a better person, get them something that benefits a good cause or supports a small business or artist. I hope Bezos only gets gifts that are directly purchased from small, independent businesses or artists. Artwork is a really cool gift. Get someone some artwork, all artists need the support right now. Buy them an album from an independent artist (or comedian) they will like. The live standup album, Mostly Finger Guns by Monica Nevi is available in dropcard form and will get to you before the holiday.

This year is about pivoting. Pivoting is so much easier when wearing your “nice sweats.” Give the gift that represents 2020 the best, something they didn’t ask for.

Find some of the things on the list here:

All Over Schitt’s Creek: AllOverShirts.com

Dani Dodge, Artist: studiododge.com

Easton Johnson, Personal Training: beastonathleticperformance.com

Monica Nevi, Comedy and Meditation: monicanevi.com/store

Meditation is Stupid

By Monica Nevi

On December 2, 2020

In Blog Entry

Meditation is for dirty hippies and spiritual weirdos, they smell of pine trees and sweat because they made their own deodorant. Meditation is weird chanting in rooms full of rich women who want to connect to the spiritual earth and then drive off in a Range Rover with their unvaccinated children. It has a similar feel to yoga with less farts, hopefully. Guided meditation feels weird and I don’t like listening to someone I wouldn’t be friends with in the first place try to calm me down. Bitch, I am calm.

I meditate everyday, I just put out a guided meditation album, I still believe all the things I said above.

Meditation is Whatever You Want It To Be

The definition of meditation is as elusive as the act itself. That’s because the self-righteous love nothing more than to make something simple seem really difficult.

It’s very hard to do! Be impressed!
The Self-righteous Meditator

Some say meditation is practicing for death. I did not know we were supposed to practice. Since most of us will die in different ways, I suppose it’s fitting that meditation is different for everyone.

Meditation is just clearing your mind and letting thoughts pass by you instead of holding on and thinking about them. Sure, you can sit there and close your eyes and try to completely clear your mind or you can breathe out so upsettingly loud you can’t think about anything else. Sit-meditation is not the only thing you can do. There are motion meditations, so you focus on doing concentrated motion and only that motion, the more repetitive the better. The old people at the park who look like they are fighting each other in slow motion, that’s meditative.

Ever heard anyone say ‘I’m in the zone?’ That’s the same thing, doing one thing where you don’t think about anything else. Not that fight you had with your partner, not the fact your boss doesn’t pay you enough and not your in-laws. Stress goes out the window when you are just focused on one thing.

I love how meditation enthusiasts think it’s the fix-all for everything. Of course it is, it’s literally not thinking about anything. It’s, in the most physical sense you can mean it, taking your mind off of your stress.

Duh it works.

But you could say that about getting black out drunk. It is still there when you come back. The difference is that the anxiety, shakes and headache I have after a blackout do not aid in my ability to see my stresses from a different angle or to have collected myself. A blackout will definitely allow me to forget about the stresses because I was too busy making new ones, I heard.

What is Comedic Meditation

You can meditate in whatever way you want to, as long as you get a break from the demented whirlwind of stressors that is your own mind. You don’t need a robe or to smell like dirt to achieve that. This is why I like comedic meditation, to remind you not to take yourself so fucking seriously. As the worry of not being able to focus on your breathing creeps in, a strong curse word will tell it to fuck right off. When that self-righteousness shitstorm tornado touches down, a good dick joke will kick you in your ass and bring you back down to earth, connecting you to mother nature. Dick jokes and swear words connect you to the matriarch of life.

Yes, I do have a new guided meditation album that is this exact thing, so I like it. I genuinely enjoy listening to my own album, the self-righteousness is what makes me fit into this community. My specific brand is more motivation and positive affirmation mediation.

There is only one criteria for meditation to be helpful and adequate, did it make you feel good? Smiling and laughing are my favorite feelings, so I made meditations that provide that. It helps that an incredible composer (Jeremy Shabo) put some perfect and original meditation music behind each track. A comedic guided meditation is still a meditation and so, by my own logic, it is stupid. Stupid stuff is hilarious.

If you take 5-7 minutes to relax and every 10-30 seconds you smile or laugh, that’s pretty fucking powerful. Plus if meditation is a practice for death, I rather go out laughing anyway.

If you think meditation is stupid and too hippy dippy for you, try comedic meditation. If you like meditation and want to deepen your understanding of self, try comedic meditation. If you are a hardcore meditator or instructor remember it’s much easier to focus on your breathing when you pull your head out of your ass, try comedic guided meditation.

Try it right now. Right here: Chill by Monica Nevi

Leave a comment or contact form if you want to hire me for your company Christmas party, clearly I am very motivating.