Monica Nevi

Comedian

Category: Blog Entry

Well That’s Debatable – The Unbiased Highlights from Debate #1

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On September 27, 2016

In Blog Entry

If you are like me, you do genuinely want what’s best for the future of the United States and the world. When it comes to the 2016 Presidential Election however, you are well aware of how ridiculous this political clown train (bigger than a clown car) has gotten and are looking for some fun highlights. We like sports and we like things simple because we are dumb. Here are the Debate Center Top Plays of the night! Amurica.

Some of you may be concerned because I have a history of laying left and I’m sure both sides are frustrated with the candidate bashing today but fear not. Whoever you are voting for, whoever you hate, whatever insecurities you are burying with anger toward politicians, throw them out the window. Here are the top 5 highlighted takeaways of the first presidential debate, no matter who you are:

debate1

1. Cat fight

It has been deemed one of the “fiercest” debates to date and I like fierce. There is so much pent up frustration and angst for both of these presidential candidates. No matter who you support you had to be ready for Mr. Donald Trump to talk the same way he has and interrupt everyone like the Republican Debates. What we did not expect was Hillary to get in there with some personal jabs too! Trump is not afraid to cut you off when he thinks you are saying something incorrect (or just disparaging) but for Hillary to slide in some comments and attacks about the economy being “Trump’d up” or him “living in his own reality” really increased the entertainment value of the whole thing and that’s what we Americans are into. Calm down ladies, it’s only the first round!

2. Wrong!

Any experience can be a learning experience and last night I learned if you don’t agree with something people are saying, you can just yell ‘wrong!’ or ‘no’ over them while they try and finish their statement. At the very least just shake your head hard enough or make faces that let the audience know whatever your opponent is saying, you disagree with. There is a value to this in regular life, if ever in an argument from now on I will just shake my head violently enough that I can’t even hear what bullshit they are telling me (because like you, I am always right) and move on accordingly.

They both did it.

3. First Gentleman

There are some people who really don’t like Bill Clinton, for the various reasons available that might lead one to that opinion. We just recently had some issues with Hillary’s health and questions about her being helped into a car when she looked like she was fainting. Well, ease your mind. If you don’t want Hillary because you don’t want to have Bill around again OR you are a Trump supporter you may be in luck, Bill looks like he is dying. If you haven’t been able to see any of the coverage lately Google will auto-fill “Bill Clinton…” with “has AIDS” so clearly his health is in question.

4. Lack of Sexuality

Luckily, for most Americans there were few jabs taken about looks or relationship histories. Hillary did touch on some of Trump’s treatment of women in the past but only on a broad level, nothing about his family. He only really attacked Bill as a president and not as a family man. No mention of his immigrant wife or multiple divorces and nothing about her husband’s infidelities or women of the past. She even wore a full red pants suit to divert any thoughts of a blue dress. I appreciated that but there is part of me that thinks maybe they are saving it up for another time.

5. Income Tax

No matter how you feel about Trump withholding his tax information, the controversy was on the table last night. Trump’s reasoning has been that he is being audited and cannot release them. We should all appreciate Lester Holt’s pressing of the issue and saying that he is definitely able to give that information during the audit. It seems it is another silly thing we are hung up on that is a simple fix of just sharing that information. However, the best part of this question was when Hillary called him out for not having paid his income taxes he interrupted her to say that he did not pay them because he is smart. Amazing. If you weren’t excited by that, you’re the robot. Smart people don’t have to pay income tax, I’m on board with that Don. Income tax might be the bane of most people’s existence, but our employers have to comply with the law, so there’s no use in us getting overly upset about it. In fact, we should feel some sympathy for those involved in sorting out the company payroll as it’s quite a gruelling task, certainly not one that I’d fancy giving a go. However, many businesses have been making use of what is known as an HRIS tool which streamlines the workload for those in human resources and helps to curtail the feeling of drowning in paperwork. It’s a wonder we ever did without it in business!
jedi-kitties

Those were the Top 5 highlights from the first 2016 Presidential Debate. I put a lot of effort into the unbiased part. If you didn’t watch the debates, good on you and now you know the most important parts that you missed. It is about entertainment, Bernie! It’s not about hope anymore so let’s get something out of it.

This debate was brought to you by Cocaine and Water: Cocaine and Water, it’s tremendous!

Also by Pant Suits: Pants Suits, cause you’re a lady.

Thank you for reading another silly article at monicanevi.com! A BUNCH OF EXCITING STUFF IS HAPPENING SOON! SIGN UP FOR MY E-MAIL LIST TO GET THE NEWS EARLY AND SPECIAL DEALS 🙂

I love you. We are going to be okay.

Do Stuff, Trust Me

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On September 11, 2016

In Blog Entry

I would have loved to name this “How to Follow Your Dreams” and then have the body just say “Don’t” but that’s not really my style. So I am here to recap my fantastic PNW Summer Tour and impart to you the knowledge I gathered on tour, in LA and on the road by myself. Sure, I’ll tell you about some of the cool stuff that happened along the way but this is about me teaching you something that you don’t need to know.

Maybe you do need to know. Maybe you want to take a long trip by yourself? Share your trade with different parts of the country? Or just get away from people for a while? I can give you some unqualified advice on how to do and deal with those things. I wish someone would have told me about these road trip necessities before I left. You know, things like the equipment I would need, the food I should take with me for snacks, and the best shortwave radio I could find. Taking a road trip into the unknown could mean that you lose signal on your phone for a while, so having a radio as a form of communication can help you to stay in the loop of what is happening around you. It could be beneficial you know. Anyway, read on to see what my road-trip top tips are.

Brief Recap

September 10th of last year was the first show on the Blanket Fort Comedy Tour, I had quit my day job, spent hours booking three months of shows all over the country and was ready to really be away from the only life I had known. The reason I don’t feel comfortable sitting here and telling you not to follow your dreams is because I’m a huge supporter of just doing it. I wear a lot of Nike and underneath this resting bitch face is a lot of optimism for my life and yours.

We did it. Left home with a giant bag packed ready to tell jokes to strangers anywhere they would pay us or let us sleep on their floor. Three months of seeing new cities, new people and eating. Well worth it, if you are thinking of traveling or road tripping I do recommend experiencing America and all its nooks and crannies. It changed my life, I know now that my retirement life will take place in Santa Claus, Indiana. You have to get out there and discover those things for yourself.

Moving to Los Angeles was just the next step for me. That’s confusing to some people and no, if I wasn’t moving keeping my career in mind I would not have chosen Los Angeles. Mostly, because I don’t really like people much and this is where they are. However, I had never lived anywhere outside of Renton or Seattle, Wa. So a move needed to happen regardless and this makes sense for my career. It gets overwhelming, I still travel a lot so I can refresh my memory of how to do more than 5 min of stand up and yes the disgusting climate is cause for concern. Other than that I really like it here, it’s fast paced, it pushes you and the worst thing that can happen is you go home. So what? If returning to Seattle is the worst case scenario, I have set myself up just fine.

Summer is a perfect time for more travel as Los Angeles becomes a desert planet over-populated by sweaty walking penises. Starting in July I drove from LA to Bellingham, Wa in one trip. I did it in 18 hours and only took one 30 min nap. That’s pretty good. It did get real questionable in there at times but you can be the judge if the fake television interview I did with myself or the purposeful yelling of wrong words to songs was weird or not. That specific drive was very motivating actually, in that I wanted to work hard enough to never have to do it again. #Planes.

It started the tour of the Pacific Northwest. A tour that stemmed from an annual family vacation in late July but grew just based on the awesome comedy communities in that area of the country. It turned into a very long, exciting, fun, exhausting and learning experience. Here are my most exciting moments of the tour and my tips for how to stay sane in a situation like that.

The Good-Do Stuff!

  • People Came – The most fun part of working in the Northwest was having all the people who I spent 5 years convincing I was funny come out to shows when I was home. I got to close out some of my favorite rooms, got to work with some of my favorite comics and got to meet new amazing comics that I never even dreamed I would work with. Do stuff because people.
  • My little baby Secret Show- While home in Seattle I got to do the Seattle Super Secret StandUp Show that we created and it was so fun to see that she is still doing so well (thank you). Then to hear that the September show was a fucking rock star with so many Bumbershoot drop-ins and well supported! Love that. Do stuff because you will never be proud of what you haven’t created.
  • Nick Swardson- The highlight of my career to this point was getting to feature for Nick Swardson for a week. I have worked with some pretty cool people but Nick’s credentials in my mind put him at the top. He was one of my favorite comics since I was 12, I have quoted his specials systematically in conversation since then. Then to not only get to work with him but watch him spill out genius, hilarious, NEW material for 8 hours. Not to mention he was an awesome dude and we got along great. Amazing shows too, loved every minute of it, it was a die happy type of experience. Do stuff because that’s what your heroes do.
  • Greg Proops- I was also given the opportunity to work with Greg Proops and have my tiny mind blown by someone who really has figured out how to be a person. One of the nicest and definitely smartest comedy stars I have worked with, we smoked pot and talked about Abraham Lincoln for an hour. I have never met someone who was so comfortable, confident and smart while still being so genuine. Fantastic dresser as well. Do stuff because you might meet Greg Proops and he will teach you something.
  • Talking farts with grandma- My favorite part of my summer trip, because I don’t know if I have ever consistently laughed that hard for that long. Picture this: me, my cousin, my uncle and my grandmother on this lovely balcony right on Lake Chelan in Washington, underneath a beautiful night sky. Gorgeous. Sharing the funniest stories we could each think of about someone accidentally farting when it was quiet. Do stuff because you may remember it forever.

Just the Tips- Trust Me

Here is a list of suggestions if you ever find yourself on a 2 month long road trip alone.

  • Sex Strategy- Save sex for people you will never see again or wait until the end of the trip when you have to leave. These trips are and will continue to be way better when you are single. Unless you are doing the adventure together with someone you love and then I can’t help you because I don’t know what that is like. Trust me, it’s better off solo.
  • Sleeping Bag- You never know. Will you be sleeping outside? Probably not. I have entered into a horrible secret grudge match with Motel 6 and similar lodging companies. I like to put pubes on the towels myself, thank you. I keep the sleeping bag (and tent) in the car for these purposes: camping if necessary, car sleeping if necessary but most of all gross sleeping scenarios (they will happen). Could be a hotel, a couch in a house with too many animals or that big shelf we walk on, the floor. Trust me, better bag than sorry.
  • Almonds- The perfect snack. I try to keep my healthy lifestyle, Sports and Exercise Science degree bullshit to myself but eating on the road is one of the most interesting and difficult parts of long trips. Almonds are delicious, high in protein to keep you satiated between stops. Trust me, because snacks.
  • Don’t Drink- But smoke pot. Drinking is actually ok but people are going to be so excited to see you or meet you (no matter who you are, people just get excited) which can lead to lots of drinking. That’s fine but if you do it all the time, the trip becomes painful, you miss out on fun stuff and it kills your immune system. Getting sick on a trip is THE WORST. So pot. People will think you are cool. Trust me, you look cool.
  • Time- Be aware of the length of time you will be able to handle. Being in other people’s space, the actual traveling can be very exhausting. A couple of weeks may be the best idea. A month would be fun or if you are insane like me do multiple months, I dare you. Starting slower and then ramping up to a longer trip is a solid idea. Or you can succumb to you agoraphobia, fear the world, just stay home and never be happy. Trust me, moderation.

In closing, I am extremely happy with my choices over the last year. I feel liberated just by making the choices. Hasn’t even mattered what the outcomes are or will be. Can I do more? Oh yeah but if you don’t acknowledge the good things what is the point of doing them. I suppose if you take anything from this suggestion wrapped in an update, it’s to do stuff.

Suggestions for stuff to do: Listen to the HugLife Podcast (or shop on Amazon through the banner on  that page), like my fan page, add yourself to the e-mail list that I will use less than once a month, stop reading this so you can tell a friend about it. You do you, girl.

Would You Rather? Bernie v.s. Hilary

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On June 7, 2016

In Blog Entry

On the eve of the very important California Democratic Primary, this might be the last time it is relevant to play one of my favorite games with these two candidates. I love the game Would You Rather, it’s like politics for dumb people. You take two scenarios of which you HAVE to choose one them, no other way out. It is like a litmus test, exactly like that. So let’s take a stroll through this last stretch together and talk about the things that WE care about when it comes to these candidates.

So… Who Would You Rather:

hillary_clinton_bernie_sanders

Go to an NBA Finals Game With

Election year during the greatest season a team has had, possibly ever, makes basketball more important this year than in any other election. AND the last important place they need votes from happens to be the golden land of the warriors that are fighting that battle. So this is a far more important question than you are giving it credit for. Both can pander to those fans and whoever wins the nomination can definitely use it in November. “You guys got robbed” or “take Steph’s team away and he’s nothing, Lebron carries that team” or “of course Lebron is good, he’s huge. Try being a little guy and still be one of the most well-rounded, greatest shooters of all time”… depending on the outcome.

Now I know some of you are thinking Bernie was at a Western Conference Finals game! Of course you want to go with him! No. I am a basketball purist, I need no one with me, especially some dude in a suit “sitting with the American people” not sporting a team in a sea of yellow. I stand up and clap when I watch games at home, I don’t need to sit in the middle of everyone to feel it. So this is why I chose the richer, non-sports fan candidate. If you’re a sports fan, you have attended many games in the nose bleeds, in the cold/rain (Seattle), in the heat just so you can be there with your team. I am all too familiar, I am women’s basketball fan, we go to games when no one else is there. So if I get to chose who I go with!?!? Of course I pick Hillary because she is the outsider, she will do everything she can to be comfortable (box seats), she wants everyone to like her and feels she is making up for mistakes (free drinks), she loves it when you are happy to the point where no matter how much she hates the game or you (Bill) she won’t leave until you want to go and she wants to promote her solidarity so now we have matching jerseys she purchased.

Hillary.

Be Friends with a Movie Character by Their Name

I am a Christmas freak. Love the time of year, love the holiday, not religious. I listened to Christmas music on my drive to and from San Diego yesterday, which is just where I happened to be driving as I usually listen to it no matter where I am going. One of the classic Christmas movies I enjoy is The Santa Claus. Tim Allen getting fat and becoming Santa while also still being a little bit perverted, tis the season. If you remember correctly Bernard is the name of the head elf at the North Pole. Bernard doesn’t take any shit and OBVIOUSLY runs a tight ship, since Christmas gets done every year in that movie. I’m in. Bernard and I could take over the world together.

Maybe you are not a Christmas person, celebrate something else during that time or just don’t buy in. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Boom, rich guy, awesome party house, doesn’t talk too much. Sure he was going to have the main characters killed in the beginning but that didn’t work out so now it’s just a good time. His arms move oddly similar to those of Bernie Sanders as well.

Hillary Whitney Essex from Beaches. Although there are some striking similarities between this character and the real Hillary (rich girl, two ladies going for the same man, etc.) I don’t think we would work. I do struggle to find common ground with people who comes from very rich backgrounds and although she does end up cherishing a friendship with a struggling entertainer like myself it is still a lot of turbulence in the process and I don’t need that.

Bernie.

Have Sex with

Although I am pretty confident both have eaten a box before this is a tough question and I suppose really depends on what you are into. For example, Bernie seems a little more loving, maybe more generous, you tell him what you want and he does it. I dare say he has been with a diverse group of ladies in his day and has respected each of them accordingly. I do see him checking in a lot “are you ok? is this allowed? let’s just check on the consent here” which can be kind of annoying but necessary. He is not concerned about his on orgasm, more about you. However, I am a no-pain for the pleasure type of girl, so this works for me.

Hillary seems like more of boss in the sheets. She’ll tell you how this is going to go and tell you how you are going to like it. People are into that, if she can throw you around she will. I will go so far as to say her and Bill are possibly into some kinky stuff, bringing things into the bedroom or other people maybe. We are aware she keeps hot sauce in her bag, so we know she can take a dick. Regardless if you pick Hillary for your bang sesh prez, Bill will be watching.

I think sex is too subjective and dependent on what you are into or feeling like that day. Therefore I can’t make this call for you. If only we chose a candidate based on their performance in a threesome. But for me-

Bernie.

Beach Volleyball Partner

I want to go Hillary initially because she is a little more squatty and in control of her extremities like any good setter should be. Good solid base and a proportional limbs, I like that in a volleyball partner. Also, her competitive nature seems to stay consistent and in any sport that is important, consistent play from start to finish. You can knock her down and read her e-mails but she will get back up and keep playing. She will never give up no matter what the margin is and she lights that fire under her teammates as well.

Bernie on the other hand is a little bit lankier of an athlete, which in Volleyball can prove helpful. Getting over the net. As neither of these candidates can probably jump anymore his reach would be extremely important for us. Also, we have seen his endurance, stamina and commitment to finishing what he has started. I love that. I feel Bernie might be a little bit more of team player and support me in my play which ultimately helps our whole team rise up. But-

Hillary.

Have as a Parent

Luckily (maybe), for this one we have some examples of how we might turn out if these people were our parents. Their children. Now, we do have a little more to looks at on the Sanders side of things as he does have four kids to Hillary’s one. We are also far more familiar with Chelsea as she has been around just as long at Billary has.

I enjoyed my childhood life with my parents but I much rather have a strong relationship with them as an adult as that is what we all spend the most time doing with them. My parents are awesome to hang out with, I bring them everywhere I can. I would want my President parent to be the same. So who would you rather hang out with? Who can you bring around the in-laws? Who is going to help you when you make mistakes or need support? Who is still going to be tough enough to straighten you up but not too tough so you hate them? Great questions.

I think Chelsea turned out pretty great, especially given that she grew up in the political lime-light her whole life. Formerly a correspondent for NBC and now taking on an important role in the Clinton non-profit foundation. Boom, I’m in. That sounds like a great life. Maybe I am looking past Hillary specifically here as Bill seems like he might be the one you want to ask to go out because mom will say no. Bill seems like the one who lets you have beer at Thanksgiving but you can’t tell mom. Also, you get to hang out with Uncle Rog and he seems like a party but that is still dad’s side. Although we have heard Hillary indulges in the alcohol sometimes I do still feel like she might be a little bit of an uptight, helicopter mom.

Bernie is ready to deal with the adversity that the modern family can bring and I like that. He has four kids, none of which are actually from him and his wife. She had three before their marriage but Bernie considers them his children. As well as his son from his first marriage. This gives us insight into his ability to manage a big household, accept people in his life and embrace their relationships no matter how complicated the beginning. Therefore, you would feel most comfortable bringing people home to this parent, he will love whoever you love. Also, he would totally smoke pot with you when the family gather got overwhelming. Senator Cool Dad.

Bernie.

Based on all these questions I would vote for Bernie. I already voted in Washington though, so none of this matters. I just wanted to get your minds turning about the REAL issues at hand in this election. So pick what’s most important to you -sex, basketball, your volleyball league- and make your decision. Go vote tomorrow if you are in California. Regardless of what happens, I am picking the Democrat in November but you get to decide who beats that moldy orange. Let’s see what more than 50% of the country think and actually get out and vote this time and in November.

This election is one big game of Marry, Fuck, Kill.

SHOCKING: Troll Proves Comedian’s Point

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On June 1, 2016

In Blog Entry

Last week I posted a blog post about ideas regarding hate and violence I had been sitting on for some time. It was met with a mostly positive reactions, which made me very happy as this was a very difficult post to write and I wanted to do it in the most appropriate ways possible. However, there was one person that got caught up in some joke wording that really steered him away from the main idea of the post, which you can read here.

We have an early morning argument that I have been describing as the internet equivalent to talking quietly to someone who is yelling at you. I screenshot what ensued for your entertainment before I did delete the very annoying cyclical argument and I will break it down now.

Strong StartScreenshot (19)The most interesting part of this is that I made a joke in the first three lines of the blog about how white women are stereotyped to hate minorities and run charities. That got nothing. We can see here from the get go that this is never going to “go my way” because he refers to me in the third person while posting directly to my page and then calls her a cunt. You guys are smart, so you see me calmly and eloquently call him a stupid, small-minded, self-hating, misogynist. He does not notice that. Let’s continue.

Projected InsecuritiesScreenshot (20)

I think the disregard for any oppression is just as hindering as blatant projections of discrimination. I try to keep it light and reiterate that he is missing the meaning of the blog by focusing on really just the fact that I am white. However, I can’t actually control myself and I’ll translate my underlying sass. When I said “my post got crossed up with your daily search to dethrone white guilt” I meant “I consider you a white men’s rights activist who is so caught up in your own privilege that you spend time at your mom’s house just looking to troll anyone who is not paying attention to white people exclusively.”

I actually prefer “people Bing” but I trust either just the same. The reason I don’t really get inflamed during this whole thing is that nothing he said ever really upset me -except the cunt word. Nothing else he says is more important than what the actual post was about. Also, saying someone is a descendant of Africa is as specific as calling someone white. Africa is a continent where most black people are from, white people also mostly come from one continent.

Getting Mixed InScreenshot (21)Quickly noting that aside from hateful slurs “scripts I’ve penned” is one of the grossest phrases in this language. Part of his first comment is cut off but you are clearly not missing anything that I felt was worth addressing.

I think it becomes very clear here that he has grouped me into all the other arguments he has had about this certain topic. Which probably progressed similarly because he is still holding onto a lot of frustration about it. I do not like words like tolerance or equality and therefore did not use them in my post. I did use love, my bad. Now, equity is the most important word here because he does not understand it. Because he did not personally oppress (he thinks) anyone then he shouldn’t have to help them now more than he has to help himself. He also needs to be credited for treating people in a way that he is JUST SUPPOSED TO. My dismissive joke about the make my brother’s race conjured up his fear that someone might forget about white people if we don’t reiterate we are not all evil. That constant compensation alone is the the sure sign of a Napoleon Complex. Equity is what is fair, equality changes language and leaves it at that. Here is my favorite illustration to show the difference: 2014_health_equity_SHR_health_equityThe argument continues as some other supporters get involved. Notice again it becomes obvious the dude is not smart enough to get any humor at all. As I stated earlier that I was a cunt because of the need to protect myself from dudes like him, he took that as me telling him it was okay to use that word. Actually it was deflecting and then saying that “people like him” that use hate speech like that make me defensive. Screenshot (22)

I ended it because it was becoming cyclical and really pulling away from the positive direction everyone else was taking it. So I deleted them and put them here. I do want to thank everyone that shared, liked  and commented about it. Especially, to those who sent me personal messages and e-mail that were all super nice. It made me worry even less about this dude.

We talk about it a little bit more on this week’s episode of the HugLife Podcast which you can check out here or on iTunes/Stitcher.

Now imagine me leaving my first internet fight, like this:

Our Team

By

On May 26, 2016

In Blog Entry

It is known about me that I don’t usually show extreme emotions but there is one thing that is fail proof to make me cry liquid drops of anger and that is blatant acts of hate. Not even just towards me, I’m a white woman so upon first glance people may assume I fear brown skin and run a charity for cancer. Not true but I do donate. This post has taken me numerous days to write and rewrite because of many extreme emotions. The following is lacking humor and prompted by a horrific story of the actions of some high school football players in Idaho. This story left me in tears and in emotional shambles over the last few days. These are things I have been meaning to say for a long time. This is for EVERYONE to read, people who agree with me, people who are on the fence and especially people who disagree with this.

You Don’t Need a Reason

Why do social justice issues make me more frustrated than anything else in the world? Some people chalk it up to my background. Sure, I grew up as a white girl who liked to play sports and hang out with the boys and those boys happened to be a mixture of different races than myself. I have a diverse family and come from a diverse area that allowed me to build relationships with people from all different races, religions, family dynamics, peers and authority figures alike. So much so that it became impossible to use uncontrollable differences as a reason to dislike someone because then I would be left with no friends. Yes, I played a sport that allowed me to meet and build life-long friendships with all different kinds of women and men also interested or in love with basketball. Then for 7 years I worked with kids of every different backgrounds in different areas of the Northwest. I assure you those are NOT the reasons I don’t hate people.

I once mentioned to a peer-who was white-that I had started doing jokes about my brother on stage. For those who are unaware, I have an older half-brother who is mixed race, half African-American and half whatever mixture of white I get from my mother. She responded to the announcement of my new material about my brother with “oh good, that will explain to the audience why you are the way you are.” I’m not sure I have ever been so angry and confused in my life. Here is a hot tip: you don’t need a reason not to be racist. You don’t have to explain why you aren’t full of hate. You don’t need to justify why you are not a piece of shit. Feel free to be a good accepting person without a back story of why. You can just do that. It’s allowed and welcomed. If you stand up for an injustice, it doesn’t have to be because you know someone who that could happen to. You can just support justice. I don’t know your struggle and you don’t know mine, but you can still empathize with the possession of a struggle. I don’t know what it is like to be a gay man, black woman or someone who was born in the wrong body but I can see how that would be difficult and I can acknowledge you and your pain. I can offer to help or just treat you like a human being. I don’t have to be bleeding to give someone a bandage from the box I keep in my backpack.

Fear

I understand the fear of something different and something new, but pushing past those fears are the only way to expand your life or find success in any way. No one asks you why you would try sushi if your parents didn’t make sushi at home, but that can still be your favorite food. No one asks what happened in your childhood if you decide you want to go sky diving for the first time, just strap up. You don’t need to tell the gate attendant “it’s okay, because my cousin is gay” when you board your first airplane ride ever. You should apply for the job you are qualified for regardless of how many people “like you” are or aren’t in that industry. You can be afraid and still do things you should be doing. You don’t have to have an excuse for those things and it is no different with people! Why do I cry every time I read about a woman getting murdered walking home from work or high school kids threatening or attacking the few minority students that go to their school? Well I don’t have to explain that either, but it hurts me down to my core because I feel for other human beings.

Our Team

Why are people so hateful? How can someone hate something so much that it projects onto a person who had nothing to do with them in the first place? You may not understand or think I need some excuse for why my life has always been based on the inclusion of every type of person, but I too need some clarification. How can someone hate anything so much, let alone solely based on their outward differences that would lead them as far as physically harming or even killing someone? It keeps me awake at night. I worry about my friends’ children and how they are going to be treated throughout their lives. I worry about the people in my life and how others are treating them. In every horrific news report I read I see someone I love in those headlines and it’s painfully scary. I see myself in the stories and feel so deeply for the victims and their families. It makes me so sick to my stomach, I can’t talk about it without crying, which really adds some time on writing something when it is through tears.

I don’t need to tell you how many friends of different races or religions or orientations I have so I can prove to have some perspective because they are just my friends. They’re not a fucking category. I’m more than blessed to have so many people in my life that have shown me so many different, beautiful things about the world. That invited me and my family to their homes, took me to their churches with them, took me out to their favorite bars knowing perfectly well I was different. Just because someone else has not been blessed with diversity that I have doesn’t mean that should turn into hate. I am embarrassed and ashamed and I honestly pity those who let such a trivial and rooted hatred compel them enough to act on it outwardly. Hate is a waste of time and energy.

I struggle constantly with how institutionalized and structural most of our social barriers are, let alone still having to be consumed by the hatred of individuals. America is an Anglo based country and as much as people think amending the language of the past changes the present, it doesn’t. If you vary at all from a white Anglo male, there is some type of obstacle that is embedded in society for you. Some far bigger than others. However, cis-gendered, white, straight male is the golden ticket. It’s infuriating enough that many white men can deny their privilege, but to then take a step to harm someone because they are so full of hate, keeps me and I’m sure a million other people awake at night. Save your comments about it not being all white dudes, we know. Just being a person of privilege that acknowledges that and doesn’t treat people poorly is not enough. You need to be mad, you need to be on our team, you are the only thing that is going to promote awareness among the privileged that don’t accept it. It bothers me everyday that when people see me they group me in with the insensitive and unaware, but I get it. Why take a chance? That chance could very well hurt you in irreversible ways. We have to do something, we have to be vocal, we have to be a team. Hate and sex crimes HAVE to be reported and convicted, expand your social groups, help people less fortunate than yourselves and stop telling people Monica Nevi doesn’t like it when people use racial slurs because her brother is black. I don’t need a reason. That’s not my reason. I don’t like hate speech because I don’t find comfort in anyone else’s pain.

What’s Next?

I hope in my heart of hearts there are way more people with this mindset than not, but I fear everyday that I am wrong. If you love yourself you can love other people. You can find connection in life with anyone. Which leads me to believe if you hate others you must also hate yourself. We are far more alike than we give ourselves credit for. You have to be vocal. Intervention is the most important step. If you see something happening, stop it. Why would football coaches let a young, disabled, black student get raped in the locker room? Silence is just as dangerous.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere” – Dr. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.

If you have questions I will be on my soap box, flipping through MLK quotes trying to calm my emotions.

The End All to the Bathroom Debate

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On May 24, 2016

In Blog Entry

As we all sit alone in our homes or offices trying to navigate the whirlwind of emotions surrounding the debate about stores (namely Target) allowing customers and employees to use the bathroom that they identify with, I give you these thoughts. This has really stirred up a lot of rage, mostly from conservatives, who are concerned about people using the policy as an excuse to prey on the opposite sex. A concern none of us had until they brought it up. I am one to sit pretty far to the left and so I was impressed with the decision to include people’s identities in their short pee-pee times while shopping. I frequently shop at Target, it allows me to buy passable clothing at a lower price while also getting snacks and gardening supplies in ONE PLACE. I try my hardest to understand both sides of an argument although yelling and holding up bibles are my two least favorite ways to express opinions. There is always a compromise, always an understanding, always a solution. I believe I have found that solution.

I think that most people have a problem with using public restrooms, why would you want to do the most private thing possible around other people? If we can avoid it, we do. It’s gross and also the least sexy part about humans. Most relationships are built on years of hiding bodily functions before you get too tired of it and there is a mass exodus of flagellation that brings with it any fucks one might have given. So I think the solution to all this drama really does lie within ourselves, within our holes. How many times have you waited for someone to dry their hands before you pushed one last time? How much water has been wasted with extra flushes? Bathroom silence is the loudest sound. One of my favorite professors in college went before me in the school restroom during our class break and she let out a bowl toot that changed my relationship with authority forever.

Here is my proposal: all public restrooms should be neutral gender and full door, single stalls. There are a plethora of ways to do this. Swimming pool family style restroom, with a big door and room that can be handi-accessible. More than one would be desired for line control. Another option would be porta-potty lines, although gross anyone can use it and there is a vortex that sucks any shame you would feel out as you enter. There are different variations of these ideas that I think could work but my favorite is actually a reality. In a cafe in San Francisco, which is where most of my dreams live, there is one restroom area with a communal hand washing place and then a hallway of fitting room style stalls with full doors and walls. The small rooms line the hallway down either way from the washing area, keeping in sounds and allowing everyone privacy without regard to identity or anything. A cat you taught to open doors can use one of these if you they so wish.

I know this may have simplified some reasons for anger and stifled some excitement to hate people in a fit of boredom. Fear not! This only allows people privacy to do their business while you simultaneously mind your own. You are free to internalize the hatred you will not be face to face with in the comfort of your own home. Also, you can rest comfortably knowing your emergency shopping poop will not be heard. I think we can all get behind private poops. Nevi for President 2020.

If you are still questioning if this is a valid solution or not:

It's Legit

Make (Tweet) Your Own Happiness.

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On May 16, 2016

In Blog Entry

I greatly enjoy tweeting celebrities and companies as if we are personally friends… or maybe more ;). I always tweet my boo, Alaska Airlines, every time I fly. Which is what I fly because I am painfully loyal to all Northwest based companies. They are safe and give me a free checked bag, so I don’t want to hear it. Also, they always tweet me back, we have a special bond. Nothing has ever really moved forward with Alaska though. I have been friend-zoned by Alaska Airlines. They might be a little out of my league.

I have had a similar relationship with a good place to eat in the neighborhood, Applebee’s. Happlebee’s if you’re glass is half full. We have always had a casual relationship, whenever I was hungry and usually single I would hit them up. But I finally reached a step further and slowly I feel them reciprocating. It has a been a long time since I have felt like this but here is the whole story.

It took a bit but they finally got back to me the next morning.

At first it was just nice to have the attention so I felt I needed to show my appreciation for them.

Then a little small talk, you know how that is.

AND THEN THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

I was so excited, it’s been a long time since I have seen a future with anyone, I may have moved a little quickly.

But… It’s not a no.

I was into it and there is definitely a future…

Then I just needed to clear up my insecurities before we continue to move forward.

We are looking good. So to everyone who has been so worried for all these years about my relationship status, worry no more. Obviously things are moving forward and I am totally emotionally supported by Applebee’s.

However, if Alaska does come around, I will reconsider.

Follw me on Twitter @MonicaNevi for all the updates.

Seattle Arena Deal – All the Ladies!

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On May 3, 2016

In Blog Entry

I’m disappointed. Like any other sports fan from Seattle but this is going to hurt female sports fans and athletes more. If you haven’t heard or didn’t care, the Seattle City Council voted against vacating space on Occidental Ave today which again thwarts the hopes of building a new sports arena that could house new NBA and NHL teams. Why am I bringing up gender? It’s the cool thing to do of course. It was quickly brought to my attention that 5 of the 5 no votes came from female council members. Thus throwing anyone with a woman card under the bus for this because the internet.

I am personally disappointed because females with power should be looked up to and relied on by the women they represent and I think that 5 out of 5 women voting no to anything that would bring a team back to Seattle is a poor representation of women in Seattle. Unfortunately, that is exactly what all sports fans are seeing. Women hate sports! They want to ruin the plans to bring a team back. I am of the belief that we should be doing anything we can to get a team back in Seattle and I know I am not the only one. Some dudes will tell you stories of how much the Sonics meant to them and how they used to go to games with their dads. I have those stories too. I used to watch every Sonics game at home and if we were lucky enough to get tickets we would go. It was the reason I became an athlete, the reason I stayed in school, the reason I have a college degree. Why would it matter as much to a girl? Because there was no WNBA when I was little. In 1998 I went to Sonics Basketball Camp, the first of a million camps I went to. I was this little white girl that they couldn’t find a jersey to fit. I had a hard time in school when I was that young, terrible at paying attention, never did my homework, got in trouble quite a bit. When those guys talked you could have told me I was on fire and I wouldn’t have flinched. After I found basketball, everything changed. The Sonics were the only reason for that. I came out of Sonics camp with ambition, doing agility drills at home with all my Dr. Suess books set up as cones and the most awkward polaroid ever taken of a tiny, tiny Monica Nevi with very large Dale Ellis’s arm around me. I wanted to be Gary Payton, I still have posters of him in my room to this day, it’s how I weed out the gentlemen callers I want to date or not. I still rather be Gary Payton.

Basketball made me who I am and the Seattle SuperSonics started this mess. Yes, I am a Storm fan as well and I think opportunities in sport are one of the most important things for women in the future. Getting an arena would be amazing for the Storm as well, so that’s a non-issue. A friend of mine even suggested that I use Seattle Storm players on my wnba fantasy team, I haven’t done it yet but I have been thinking about it. I know there are many women just like me, who love sports, love playing them, love watching them, put their kids in them, met their spouses at them. Conversely, I know there are a lot of women who may not care either way. Seattle is one of the greatest, smartest and most supportive cities in the world. As a comic, I love performing there and as an athlete I loved playing there. Bringing an NBA team back to Seattle isn’t about having a team to support, it’s so much more than that. It’s about the little girls and boys that don’t know what they are supposed to do. It’s for the girl that would have given up on everything if she didn’t fall in love with this game. It’s for the kid that feels all alone until he finds his place on a team. It’s for the girl that wants to be just like Gary Payton, so she went home to do her homework and practice her ball handling because he told her to.

It’s not just another team to support. It’s an organization that creates a future for everyone. Seattle has produced from great NBA and WNBA players that come back home and give back their communities each year. Get a team here to keep that tradition going. 5 out of 5 is a poor representation of how women in Seattle feel about getting a team back, don’t blame us. It was those specific votes that kept this from going through. I’m asking you not to blame all the ladies in your life, just those ones. There are plenty of women who would have voted yes or would gladly carry an NBA player’s baby to keep the tradition of great players coming out of Seattle. Also, this is the only thing Portland thinks we are envious of that we actually are. I don’t care much for Portland anyway!

Follow Your Dreams #2

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On May 1, 2016

In Blog Entry

I have extremely vivid dreams, that are super weird, all the time. This is a short story based on a dream I had so that we can analyze what they mean and how that will help me in a journey for a more successful life. Every dream means something important, I’m sure. I also read an article that connects vivid dreams to mental illness. Names have been changed, except for two that I think are important (one is me).

THE START

It was a Friday night in Los Angeles, dark enough to know it was showtime but warm enough to forget a jacket. I was dressed in a leather vest, with a white v-neck underneath and a gold star badge on the vest. Sheriff Nevi had arrived. I walked up to the venue on Santa Monica Boulevard, an awesome venue I had wanted to work at for a long time. I walked up to the venue and it was FULL of people! The inside of the room looked cooler than anything I had ever seen, extremely inconvenient for comedy but super awesome looking. The stage was basically an island in the middle of the room but it had a wall in the middle so there was essentially two sides of stage. If you were performing on one side the other side of the room couldn’t see you. However, there were TV screens on either side. Both sides of the stage were slanted and full of people in the seats and sitting on the floor.

There were three bars inside and one that was outside of the venue on a porch area. I walked up to the outdoor bar and no one was there. So I did what anyone would do just started making my own drink. Using any of the equipment that was unnecessary. There were two different containers full of ice, one was crushed and the other was in these little cute thimble shapes. I put some of the crushed ice into the silver tin thing, added orange juice, champagne and vodka. I shook it up accordingly and strained it into a glass. As I poured it out of the tin the amount that went in the glass was less than you could drown in. Confused and frustrated I began to pour the same ingredients but triple.

As I poured a sufficient drink amount into my glass my best friend Barbara came out of the venue, he hugged me and without asking any questions of why I was behind a bar I did not work at, asked to have one of whatever I was having. I began to pour the orange juice, champagne and vodka into the tin as his face began to show low levels of disgust. “Here” I said “I call it the Rich Stepmom.” Although I felt like the true rich step mom needed some sprinkles of Xanax and cigarette ash, I handed it over and started into the venue to find the show producer.

“Hey, Rich! Place looks packed, do you have an order for the performers, so I know when I am up.”
“This is just what we do, you know that” Rich said “there is no list but there will be.”

Rich didn’t make eye contact with me the whole time he spoke to me and then he walked away into the blue and purple lights of the packed house. I looked up and the show was starting. Having no idea when I was on I went outside to try and find a hat to go with my rural Sheriff’s outfit, hoping to run into the other performers that could tell me more of what was happening. The performers were wearing costumes but no one in the audience was so it couldn’t have been Halloween. I was looking through buckets of costume accessories, trying to find something that would work. Another lady was doing the same thing and found a hat that would be perfect. I looked at her as she put it on. Two weird things happened at that moment, we looked at each other long enough for me to realize she was Last Man on Earth‘s Kristen Schaal and then we realized we were dressed as the same character, only she had a ballet tutu on. She smiled at me condescendingly and introduced herself. She didn’t seem to like me but we were “wearing the same dress.”

I ripped off my badge as I walked away toward the outdoor bar. What was I going to be now? I needed another Stepmom. As I approached the bar I realized Barbara was now behind the bar making everyone drinks. Selling Rich Stepmoms left and right. I walked up to the entry way of the tending area but as I began to pass the break in the bar a conveyor belt took its place and began to rotate breakfast foods around the bar. Mostly pancakes at this point but soon enough hash browns and sausages would follow. Confused and flustered I told Barb I would be back to which he didn’t respond because he had a line and was now also serving breakfast. I went back over to where Last Man on Earth‘s Kristen Schaal was in order to find something else to wear. She was still there and as I approached she reached down into a bucket to pull out a new outfit idea for me. Or so I thought. Next thing I knew something sticky hit me in my face and in my hair. Last Man on Earth‘s Kristen Schaal had thrown a syrupy pancake at me. I wipe as much off as I could and Last Man on Earth‘s Kristen Schaal looked at me and said “I love you” with a big smile. She did like me after all and even more lucky there was a bucket of syrup with some pancaked in it right next to me. I reached in and we started a best friends pancake throwing war. We laughed and giggled and finally she said she knew where more of the costumes were and we should easily be able to turn my outfit into a pirate. I wish this was the end but it is not.

NOT THE END

We entered the venue and went into a greenroom area that was full of buckets of costumes and we started to vigorously look for some pirate gear. As I was looking we noticed the performance list had finally been posted. There were two performers, Last Man on Earth‘s Kristen Schaal and then it would be my turn. I went to watch some of the acts on stage to see how the oddly configured room would work for performance. The TVs showing the opposite side of the stage worked well, so if that performer wasn’t on your side you could still see them. The crowd was awesome, the side watching the TVs was just as enthralled as the side with the performer on it. I turned back to look into the buckets and become a pirate. Right as I turned around I heard “your next comedian is blah blah blah she is the greatest blah blah… Monica Nevi” I looked up from the bucket completely shocked, grabbed a Mariners baseball hat I brought with me put it over my syrupy hair and ran to the stage. I got up on one side and realized it was the wrong side, so I around to the other side and I was still in the wrong place. “Monica, where are you, we’re over here” I heard over the speakers. Furious at this point I ran to the back of the venue where there was more seating and an alcove that had the host, another comic and a two corn hole boards set up, ready to play. “What the fuck is going one right now!” I thought to myself.

I finally made it over to where I am “supposed to be” and stand next to what I assumed was my side of the corn hole game. I am ready to swear up a storm and really throw out some low blows during this game. I fucking love corn hole! Giggle all you want. Quick recap, now I am ready to play this game against some nondescript white male beard in front of a ton of people under blue and purple lights where I thought I would be doing comedy 20 minutes from that time. Right as I look at my opponent in the eyes and am ready to yell out whatever obscenity comes to mind my high school health teacher, Ms. Blocker, leans forward to say she finally came to a show and that her husband and their two VERY young children were there with them. Full family leans forward and waves to me as I try to keep the horror inside my head off of my face, I wave back. Immediately I start to reevaluate what I was going to say and then my whole life. There are kids here, I can’t run around with my syrupy hair yelling swear words! Or can I?

I win corn hole, by a lot, grab that wireless microphone from the host and start running around this oddly shaped venue, in my syrupy Mariners hat, high-fiving anyone and yelling inappropriate things into the microphone.

Best set I have ever had. Mic Drop.

THE END

Although the meaning of all of this is still lost on me and any ideas you have would be helpful. I think the moral of this dream is always have a wireless mic.

Follow Your Dreams

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On April 19, 2016

In Blog Entry

We’ve all heard that phrase “follow your dreams” and I assume we all have tried to do that exact thing. I believe your mind does some weird stuff up there and it is more powerful over our actions than we even know. Therefore here is the dream I just had (in story form) and I am SURE it means something very important and makes sense but I need help figuring out what (names and locations have been changed for the safety of those involved):

THE BEGINNING

She looked like Ron Swanson’s mother from Parks and Rec, Tammy. She was a very nice lady though and she invited me in the house where I was supposed to be helping her do some work. Her name was Sharon and her house smelled like cats and cigarettes but it was oddly reminiscent of a combination of grandmothers I had met over the years. Except she was only 50 years old. As I am helping her with some house work she keeps stopping and staring at me. I was reaching up in the cupboard to put something away and Sharon slowly peered around the corner and looked at me intently.

“Hey” I said.
“Hi” she said.
“Is there anything else you need help with?” I said.
“I don’t think so, but I got you a gift” Sharon replied.

She brings out a Nike box of brand new basketball shoes. They were awesome, I was super excited! I thanked her and she told me to wait one more second. Sharon walked back to her room and then emerged holding another bag. This one was filled with a pair of black and teal yoga pants and a tank top along with another box of running shoes. I was taken aback by this as I didn’t really understand why she was giving me so many gifts. Was there more to this story? Was she making up for not having children? Did one f her daughters die? Was she trying to have sex with me? All relevant answers to the question. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to give these things to me and she said it was the least she could do for having me help her.

Finally, a third time she goes back to the bedroom and brings back full arms of other workout clothes and shoes. Maybe she was telling me I needed to work out? That seems rude but she had been watching me closely all day, so she would know, I thought to myself.

She set the pile of clothing on the couch near the previous gifts. As I looked at this pile I realized it was not new items they were used and looked like they had come out of a laundry basket. Each item I looked at seemed more and more familiar until it hit me that these were all my clothes. Sharon, this seemingly nice middle-aged lonely woman just brought me a pile of my own dirty clothes, as a gift. She smiled with one of the most terrifying grins I had ever seen and then turned to walk back to the bedroom again. I was panicked and couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening so I gathered up as much of the pile as I could, new or old and ran out of the door to my car. I don’t know what happened to Sharon because she didn’t make it out of the house before I could never look back but somehow she had gotten my clothes from my room and I didn’t get it.

There I was, breathing heavily and driving away, trying to put together any part of what just happened. I arrived downtown and thought to myself I couldn’t go home right now because she knows how to get in there. I stopped to grab some coffee and as I was walking back to the car I noticed one of my friends from college getting into a cab.

“Hey! Lizzy! What’s up? How are you?” I yelled.
Lizzy stared at me with dead eyes as she slid to the farthest part of the car she could and said “Not great, I am doing a lot of things I used to do. Being more of an Elizabeth than a Lizzy.” She was speaking almost too softly to hear and very slowly pressing herself as far into the cab as she could manage. I had very little idea what she was talking about, she had confided in my once that she had gone through some issues with an eating disorder and I thought maybe that was what she was talking about.
I told her “I hope you are ok, I will call you later tonight to catch up.” She stared at me blindly as the cab door closed and she took off.

I thought to myself that was weird and something had to be going on today that I just didn’t know about. I figured the best place to go was to my mother’s house. I called my mom, Pan, to make sure they were home. She said she was but she was afraid that she had lice. I assured her that I could check for her when I arrived, I had a lot of experience looking for lice on the children I had worked with over the years. There is a technique.

I got to my mother’s house and she was already sitting in a chair in the middle of the kitchen waiting for me to check her head. She really didn’t greet me when I entered the home, she just stayed in the chair and waited for me to come to her. So I did. I walked over to her as she sat frustrated and nearly defeated.

“Okay, let me check” I said.
“I can feeling them moving, it has to be lice” she sheepishly announced.
As I combed through her hair and looked directly at her scalp, there was nothing to be found. No small black lice moving, nor white eggs on the hair. “I am not seeing anything” I told her as I started in the front of her scalp.
Pan reached up and touched the rear top part of her head and said “It hurts right here.”
“Hurts? That seems weird, I don’t think it is lice” I replied.

I parted her hair in that spot to reveal two medium sized cockroaches embedded in her scalp. They weren’t moving enough to change positions but they were kind of running in place on their sides and their antenna were moving freely. It was appalling and unexpected but I was able to keep calm. I put my hands on her shoulders and said “this is something else and since they’re painful let’s go take you to the doctor, just in case.”

At this point Pan would have followed you with this blank stare into the ocean if you asked her to. I walked her into the hospital and checked her in as she had done for me many times before. I was aware of the role reversal but wasn’t clear enough in the mind to think about it. Something was happening and I only knew we needed to figure it out. The doctors took her back and would not allow me to come with her. Three hours later I was outside of the hospital on the phone with Lizzy, who seemed totally fine and almost oblivious to her behavior earlier in the day. As we were saying goodbye Pan came strolling through the sliding doors of the hospital. As she walked out she had this big smile on her face with her purse at her side looked me in the face and just said “ready to go?”

THE END

I will gladly following any interpretation of what that dream is supposed to mean.

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