Monica Nevi

Comedian

Category: Blog Entry Page 3 of 4

I Am Me Because Of The Strong Women In My Life

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On March 9, 2017

In Blog Entry

It wasn’t only International Women’s Day that prompted this. It could also have been the spam comment I got from “BoycottBitches.com” but I have just been thinking on the strong women in my life and how lucky I am. I have a weird, fun, sometimes stressful and financially unrewarding life that I wouldn’t trade for the literal control of the world. The only reason I have been able to achieve anything, set myself up for any success or sit in this coffee shop in Louisville waiting for my shows this weekend is because of the strong women in my life.

It is silly and unfortunate that I feel I have to wait until something prompts me to write a post of this nature. Although, I spend a lot of my energy writing jokes, making videos and producing a podcast that highlights the good parts of people and life, some times I feel like I should tone it back. That’s silly. I am so sick of hearing about everything we hate and how mean we are and how we kill each other. I want to talk about good stuff, lest we forget it exists. This is a series of short descriptions of the strong women in my life, how they changed me and to the men who helped create an environment for us to thrive. If you have women in your life like this, I hope you take the time to appreciate them and reflect on these things. If you do not have strong women in your life or you don’t respect them, I feel sorry for you and the personal development that you have deprived yourself of.

Mother Figures And Grandmothers

I am more than aware that I am blessed to have not only an amazing mother but 3 awesome grandmothers and various other women in my family that had me learning what it was like to be strong and independent since day one. People frequently ask me how I got the courage to start stand-up, quit my job, travel alone, move away from home, etc. The honest truth is it never crossed my mind that it was some kind of courageous moves. I wanted to be true to myself and I had people that always told me I could do whatever I wanted and supported me in doing so. So I did. Why was I able to do that? I watched women my whole life do things they weren’t “supposed to do.”

My grandma Shirley got a business degree back when we were barely allowed to talk and ran her own business in Idaho her whole life, while raising two daughters. She even kept the newspaper clipping from when a drunk customer “slugged her in the face.” How fucking bad ass is that?

My grandma Karen is the literal funniest person I have ever met and completely unintentionally. She worked as a hair stylist and dental hygienist while my grandfather was a school teacher. Raised two of the weirdest yet most respectful and caring men in the world. To this day she is ahead of the curve on social issues, supports me in my involvement in women’s rights issues and texts me the most hilarious supportive messages when I am at a women’s march or some other protest.

My grandma Barbara has the exceptional story of changing her life in the most impressive of ways. From working in Vegas to making the difficult decision of having her daughters live with their father to becoming a faith-driven, Texas living lady and loving mother. That’s strength and an admirable commitment to yourself and what makes you happy. She never gave up on her family or herself. She starting taking computer classes and GED courses at age 80.

My sweet Pam, if you have ever read any of my stuff, seen my stand-up or talked to me, you are aware I love my mother. The example she inadvertently set for me by moving away from rural Idaho -because she knew people weren’t being treated right there- becoming a boss lady in her field, surviving as a single mother and ultimately showing me to my face what it is like to continue to be productive and successful in your work field while having a great, healthy and equally supportive marriage. Well, it’s a lot to live up to but I like a challenge.

Basically, I have seen these women, right in front of me, my whole life do all these things, they weren’t supposed to, at times they weren’t supposed to and be so successful and great at it. With that in mind, the real question is, why wouldn’t I have made all these decisions when my whole life I haven’t just been told I can do anything, I have been shown.

 

Women In Work And Basketball

Basketball and the relationships I formed while playing saved my life over and over again. I got to be shown examples of strong young adult women, working hard, doing what they love and achieving goals, coaches teammates and fans alike. There is something about having the people you look up to you, affirm that you’re capable, that sticks with you forever.

I had a coach in college that would refer to getting shots up as “getting better.” “There was no court around so I couldn’t go get better” she once told me about playing overseas in Ireland. We were going to have an individual workout with a player who was going to training camp for a WNBA team and she said “how long are we going to work out for?” My coach responded “it depends on how much better you want to get” BOOM! That is so far stuck in my head that every time I am tired before a show or don’t want to work on writing or am afraid to send e-mails or network I just have this voice in my head saying “it just depends on how much better you want to get.”

People talk shit about all the things I do, so I am used to it. Women’s basketball is or isn’t this, women aren’t as funny… blah blah blah. It’s old, it’s played out, it’s unoriginal. I have literally spent so much of my life watching young women, from different backgrounds and countries, develop as strong, independent people that there is nothing you can say about what I do that can take any pride or love I have for it away. I have watched teammates graduate, get great jobs that give back to the community, own their own businesses, become bosses at huge companies, start beautiful families and get married to people they love that support them, all because we wanted to play a sport that boys were supposed to play. Basketball and the support system it formed for me got me through all of school, got me a degree and got me the mindset and non-com support I still have. I love all those women, their husbands and wives and their children for being so great. If you can’t acknowledge how great sport, STEM and art programs can be for a young woman, the program isn’t the problem, it’s the way you view us.

I have also been blessed with some female bosses that were a blaring example of believing in yourself, carrying yourself as a professional and performing at the level that you know you deserve to be at relentlessly until someone finally acknowledges it. People tell comics all the time to “be undeniable” but I learned that years ago from my lady bosses that just kept pushing until they could not be denied.

The Men That Support Women

You don’t have to call yourself a “male feminist” just fucking show up.

Also, you can just say feminist, if you want.

I am picky about the men in my life and how they treat women. The comics I associate with and the friends I have are guys that have shown that they treat women right. It’s easy to keep them around when they treat you right. My friends know I am strong, know I am capable and definitely pick me in the top 3 for any team sport game. They are extremely intelligent men that value a woman who is smart and independent, and good on my friends for cashing in on the noble move of being a kept man. I have always seen my parents marriage as equal, supportive and always pushing each other to be better in work, in life and golf/marathoning. My grandfathers were just as great about their wives being as strong and independent as they were. Which is a testament to the fact it’s not a “different time” it’s just human decency to treat women and minorities with the respect they deserve as humans.

I know that men are great allies, supporters and advocates for women because I see it everyday when they treat us with respect. The headliners that take me on the road as much as the guys, giving me that same chance. The bosses I had that saw my work for what it was and gave me promotions based on that and not who it was coming from. My friends that love, respect and treat their wives like the strong beautiful women they are. I delight in seeing men just be humans and treat us as such. There are few things more fun, more attractive or more hopeful then dudes treating ladies like humans. It’s pretty awesome.

All in all, stop worrying about the idea of what women’s rights means on a huge level, think about you mom and your daughter and niece and your sister and your grandmother and your best friend and they are being treated, how decisions effect them and how you are treating them. Reflect on their strength and their story and how it has made you a better person.

If none of these things are true for you, if you just minimize and marginalize women enough that this made you mad, I feel sorry for you. Sorry you clicked on this looking for something to be mad about, sorry if my praise of the women in my life has made you upset about your own. But if it does, please “boycott bitches” that would actually make this way easier.

 

Death is the Question: Tribute to Grandpa

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On February 24, 2017

In Blog Entry

You could have been following me for less than a month and figure out that I don’t do well with grief and loss. I have been working on it for years but it is still not a smooth ride. This last Saturday my grandfather passed away, just days before his 90th birthday. It’s when he was supposed to go and he had been struggling for awhile. It was one of those situations where there is a bit of relief after they leave, as it is apparent they were suffering. However, my own issues with grief, loss and my tendency to take on other people’s stress always leaves me with more questions than answers.

My Grandpa

Of all lives to live and times to go he did it right. From Idaho, married 5 times that we know of and used one of those marriages to create the most perfect lady in the whole world (my mom). Dude worked hard his whole life, they couldn’t get him to stop working until he was in his 80s. He loved hard too, obviously by the amount of wives but he was just a charming good guy and women loved him all the way up to the nurses taking care of him at the end. He had a bunch of kids, like enough to where I can’t even really tell who is who’s sibling but they are/were all very sweet people, that cared too much sometimes but in the most genuine ways, just good people.

He was an Army veteran, beer drinking, good time. When me and the other grandchildren came along it was like he was built to be a grandpa, like he was waiting his whole life for it. Why else would you say shit like “he’s like a fart in a skillet?” That’s not a dad thing, that’s a grandpa thing. He was just grumpy enough where you knew he was 100% genuine all the time. He would sacrifice anything for people he cared about. He received a purple heart from his time at war and had the gnarly scars to prove it. When I was little I would sit on his lap and punch him in the stomach, you know, cause I was a fun kid. After 4-5 punches every time he would show everyone his belly with the biggest knife scars all the way across them and say “you’re so strong! look what you did!” What a fun time, with a fun guy. Also, for the record, I am pretty strong.

Most importantly, even the concerns you might have for an old man from rural Idaho were not an issue. I’m sure he internalize some shit you wouldn’t want to hear, just based on some of the hate being spewed by others around him but I don’t really think he cared. I had never known him when he could hear very well, which meant he was also loud as fuck when he would talk. I remember my high school graduation party when one of my many basketball coaches walked in with her partner at the time and my grandpa was sitting in the recliner – where he also slept – and as they passed through the room into the backyard he yelled “are those two a little funny?” This of course being his way of asking if they were lesbians but when we said yes he was just kind of like “okay, just checking.” It was only mildly embarrassing but I can’t help but think it could have been much worse.

My grandfather knew what he loved and didn’t pay much attention to the things that didn’t fit that. Which is an outlook that many of us work really hard to obtain and he mastered it. He was a real ‘live and let live’ kind of guy, a real hard worker and a real caring gentleman. He did it right, lived right and died right.

The Questions

His simple yet impressive life resume is what seems to be leaving me with so many questions and ill feelings after someone passes. I just wish after someone passed you could sit with them and go over everything and see how they felt about it. I suppose they don’t feel about it, because they are dead.

At this time last year, closer to the beginning of February, my aunt passed away. I wrote a post about it then but my site crashed so we don’t have it. In short she had a much different life; she battled drug addiction and abusive relationships with bad people. I wish she had known about places like Enterhealth, so that she could have won that battle at least. She wasn’t a bad person though, she was actually a very caring person. I have so many questions for her. I just have become overly concerned with the idea of mortality in the past few years, possibly a symptom of this sweet, sweet anxiety disorder.

Hard to feel relieved when anyone has passed without having any solid answers but specifically answers about how they felt. I don’t take issue with there being an afterlife or not, I also don’t have an answer for it either. I envy people who do but it’s not as concerning to me as what happens when you are here and how you feel. I have very religious friends who find purpose in everything they do because it is for a higher power. I also have people in my life who know 100% there is no god and therefore they have no questions. I am equally jealous of both people. That gives them answers. ‘I know everything I am doing is for the right reason for my higher power’ or ‘we live, we die, that’s it, nothing more.’ But death only leaves me with more questions and it’s absolutely because 50% of what I worry about is just if I am doing a good enough job, working hard enough, ever going to be happy or if my family and friends are proud of me. All reasons to be doing it but at the moment without answers.

With all the overarching issues we are facing I go back and forth each day trying to keep myself grounded and pay attention to myself while also being a global citizen. You know what? That’s pretty fucking hard. I care greatly about my family and friends and spend time worrying about them. I, unfortunately, moderately keep up with the dumpster fire that is this country’s politics but in reality I ate a can of beans and top ramen for breakfast and I have been sleeping on a top sheet that is too small to tuck into the bed instead of the fitted sheet for over a month. And what’s more interesting is that I am fine with it.

I just hope that my grandfather is half as happy and as proud about what he did as I am of him and what he created. Those are the questions I want answers too. I think he does and I think he knew how much EVERYONE loved him, he was a cocky fella, so he had to.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.

Cheap Last Minute Valentine Gift Ideas

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On February 14, 2017

In Blog Entry

Aside from comedy and basketball, my passion truly lies in helping other people. That is why I compiled this list of last minute Valentine’s gift ideas that will leave you with a very happy partner, a full wallet and jealous friends because they didn’t think of these. Unless they also read this but then you just have super cool friends and that is exciting as well. This list is full of last minute ideas that twist the norms, push the boundaries and always end in sex. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

1. Chocolate Box Without Chocolate – Don’t buy a new one. Find an empty one, maybe from years ago. Take the wrappers and the gross cherry ones you never ate out of it and put something in there that they actually like. How jacked would you be if you opened a chocolate box, expected an assortment of chocolates containing only 3-5 types that you will actually eat, and inside was just as many tacos or chicken nuggets as the love of your life (clearly) could fit inside? So jacked. Done.

2. Real Love Coupons – This is a classic move, for those of us that are poor at planning. Make a little coupon booklet that your partner can turn in for sweet things like 1 back rub or a hug or something else dumb. NO. We take it to the next level, give them some coupons they will be excited to use. My suggestions include: “1 use of ‘no’ when I say ‘we need to talk.'” “1 excused absence from a family gathering you don’t want to go to.” “1 excused night where you get to get too drunk and no matter how much you throw up or cry I still have to help you nurse your hangover the next day,” or “butt stuff.” You know, real value.

3. Actual Stuffed Animal – Again, don’t buy a new one. If you have the supplies for this don’t even leave the house. Find a stuffed animal of theirs, moderately loved, maybe one you purchased in a past point of weakness. Cut open the back of the squishy friend at the seam, pull out some stuffing, insert some weed, mushrooms, cocaine or mini booze bottles (whatever your partner prefers), do a terrible stitching job so they can open it easily later. Finally, have the best night/into the morning you have ever had.

4. Whore-made Card – Get a little crafty, don’t be afraid to use some crayons for once. Make a classic folded card, write something very sweet on the front “Happy Valentine’s Day to the Love of My Life.” Beautiful. Now on the inside draw (or print and paste) a picture of some real freaky shit they would be into. Maybe something you haven’t done in awhile, putting stuff in places they usually aren’t allowed to go, draw an extra person in there with you, whatever will get them going. The key here is that you are showing that you listen, you know what they like, you want to fulfill their dreams at least in a 2-dimensional fashion.

5. Sacrifice Your Body – Although all of these should end with nudity, this one is when you just let the cat out of the bag (pun intended) right away. Light a few candles, be completely naked just hanging out of the couch when they walk in the door. Ideally, there is some soft sexy music, the candle light flickers across the Twister mat you have laid out on the ground. There won’t be any questions on this one. They know what’s up.

There you go my friends, don’t get caught in the same pattern as every other unhappy couple, who forces themselves to get whatever they think they are supposed to get. Take your Valentine’s game up a notch, show you care as long as it is something you can accomplish the day of. You can pick one or all of these options and still have a successful evening of passion and possibly drug induced love.

I hope your day is now filled with love. 🙂

Image result for valentine's day gift baskets

OR JUST ORDER SOME FREAKY STUFF FROM AMAZON. They have some real intense stuff on there.

The Birthday Break-Down Dance Fight

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On February 7, 2017

In Blog Entry

Yesterday was my birthday so this post gets to be about me and my feelings. Gross. If you have been around, reading what I write, watching my stand-up, listening to my podcast or just hearing me talk you may be aware that I have a pattern of mild mental break-downs each year around my birthday. I don’t think I am the only one to do this but I do know the most about how mine go.

Break It Down

Typically, the break-down starts a week or two before and I start aggressively re-evaluating everything in my life. Every decision I have made, the people I do and do not associate myself with and what I am currently doing and how it is not adequate enough. Some people never do this, some people do this once a year, some people just call this “the morning.”

Instead of spending more time during the year investigating why I feel this way, I simply had learned to deal with it by distancing myself from everything and letting myself actually feel all the insecurities and doubts. Once it’s done, I return to ‘civilization.’ I suppose people who take a vacation for their birthday each year are doing just that. Last year, I went camping by myself for the the first time and although in years past I have had a big party with all my different groups a friends, I think I secretly knew I always needed the alone time.

This pattern started on my 21st birthday, when I decided to work at the trampoline facility until midnight and then go home alone (yes, my life has always been this glamorous). It had been a very tough year for me and I know that is quite the opposite of a 21st birthday but it did seem like what I wanted to do. I was sad at the time and other people get very sad for me when I tell them that story but I do not think doing it differently would have been a good idea. I remember sitting in my bedroom after work, being alone, just thinking and not doing anything. I listened to Florence + the Machine and that was it.

Each of my next birthdays did have a party part to it and they were fun and I enjoyed them. I do love my friends and family, I have great ones. The party is always the perfect excuse to get all those cool people together but I still always do something by myself. In years past I have taken myself to dinner, gone to a park that I like or taken a trip alone. Although it can be painful to be alone with how you are really feeling, I think it is healing and I recommend it to you as a gift to yourself. If I could live at a retreat I would. Essentially, I have learned to embrace the break-down. I write about it every year and just let it happen.

Why This Year Was Different

This year has felt a tad different. Maybe 27 is the year I stop caring so much. I don’t really know what made this year different. Could it be that I am more financially stable than years past? Absolutely not, quite the opposite. Could it be because I feel I am in a better mental place than before? Not at all. Could it be because of love? Nope, why would that ever happen.

The few differences I have deciphered include being older. But you are older every year? I know that. This is the first year I have been told ‘I look good for my age.’ People have often told me -usually with no make up and my hair up- that I look young but this is the first year a woman was informed it was my 27th birthday and said  ‘you look good’ but qualified it with ‘for my age.’ All you other 27 year olds need to step your games up.

I have made quite a few mistakes this year letting stress and pain get the best of me and maybe it has left me too tired to care. Or I did let myself re-evaluate on a more constant basis so I don’t have to pack it all in to one time. Because of both of those things, I am medicated and that may lead to a dulling of the feelings I normally have about my birthday.

Or maybe I did something right for once. Maybe that’s it. I moved and traveled a lot this year. Within the last few months I addressed my crippling anxiety, started working out constantly, barely kept myself afloat financially and set some very specific, very thought out goals for 2017. Maybe all that has alleviated some of the tension. I recognized I need to have more time alone and outside so I have been doing that. I cut some negatives from my life and added back some things I know I love. I also, take the time to tell people I love and that help me how great they are. So maybe, I broke a little less because I cared a little more throughout the year instead of cramming it into a week. We’ll try again this year and I’ll let ya know how it goes.

My birthday was great, I spent the weekend in New Orleans with my mom and did my first half marathon with her. Then yesterday, my actual birthday, we walked around the city together and I got to show her one of the coolest places I have gotten to travel before we headed back to our respective homes. I loved it. Now, I will do my own outdoorsy bullshit and I will be ready to take on another year.

Thank you to everyone who sent messages, comments, texts, e-mails, calls and voice mails yesterday. I appreciate you and your kindness during what has previously been a break-down-dance time for me. 🙂

If someone else’s birthday is coming up, use this banner to buy them something on Amazon 🙂

I Know What America’s Problem Is

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On January 24, 2017

In Blog Entry

After a year and a half of watching people argue online, taking notes on what really fires us up as Americans and what really fires me up, I have figured it out. Second only to grammar mistakes, the reason people are so mad at each other is because our number one purpose in life is to get in other people’s business. Grammar mistakes could possibly fall under that same umbrella. We are upset about the
things other people are doing, that frequently don’t affect us and they are upset that we are upset. It’s not our fault, we’re still Americans… nothing is our fault. Someone else made us into this, potentially on purpose so that they could manipulate us by showing us other people’s stuff to get in.

Internet Mind Control And How It Works

Yes, I am writing a blog about this and that hypocrisy is not lost on me, it’s as if I did it on purpose. Here at MonicaNevi.com we are only trying to highlight the comedy that is in the bullshit. I do genuinely want to draw our attention to the fact our natural longing to snoop in other people’s shit has been monopolized by people who are smarter than us. Possibly a symptom of technological advances, not that those advances allow us to peer into each other’s lives more easily but that they make everything else so mindless that we get bored and need to know what you are up to in order to entertain ourselves. You don’t even have to use your words to have a stranger bring food to your door anymore.

Social media is the new medicine cabinet. There is some biological explanation for why I think it is a horrible idea you got engaged but then spent 45 minutes going through all of your engagement photos. You look like assholes and I want to see it. Even if you did a good job of staying out of other people’s business, the next time you are in any real-life social space someone is going to ask if you saw what Sarah posted on her Facebook or read that blog post that Monica put up. You want to be able to be involved in the conversation. A major part of the world can be seen as a gossip site and America is the comment section that got real racist for no apparent reason.

The petty, childish social stuff is not what is wrong with America. What that conditioning has spawned is the problem. It’s our incessant need to be involved in other people’s business and lives when we are not satisfied or entertained by our own. I could screenshot some terrible examples that have come up in the last week but I’m sure you have been traumatized enough. What I am talking about is the need to argue with each other because what they think about the things that you think is worth arguing over until neither of you know who’s life you’re talking about. Not them, their life is perfect and they have run out of things to worry about. So much so that when a bunch of people decided to go for a walk at the same time, it made them so mad. I struggle with this concept because if you didn’t go for the walk, you did everything you can do to change that. If you think tweeting people who took the time to make a witty sign that you hope they get raped is going to get some of them to change their minds, I very seriously question the presence of brain activity.

The Real Problem With America

The problem isn’t that you are upset about something that affects you, it’s that you want to meddle in other people’s lives so constantly that you forget about your own life and how most of this has nothing to do with you. It is just another vein to run unsubstantiated hatred through. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for us to keep our mouths shut about stuff that doesn’t affect us. The curiosity is understandable, it’s the ability to call people out and anonymously attack them about it that is new and out of control. Look in the medicine cabinet but don’t run out of the bathroom with their Valtrex in hand, screaming that they are a whore. As soon as they point out a different name on the bottle or tell some heartbreaking story about why they would have that in the first place, you are going to look like a grade-A dick bag. Why does every little thing have to be an argument? America feels like the parents that should have gotten divorced years ago but stayed together for the kids even though the kids won’t talk to them anymore.

The part every single person should be upset about is that we got tricked. They got us, they did it all on purpose. “They” being the smarter people that targeted us dummies, who love gossip so much it’s in the title of many of our favorite entertainment sources. They were smart enough to use our need to know what’s in the medicine cabinet, what you said in your diary, your e-mails or your text messages against us. I – so badly – want to know what freaky stuff you have waiting in your Amazon basket. Our natural curiosity has been turned against us by removing the filter on our constant judgment.

What Can I Do To Fix This Problem?

What can you do to fix this problem? Great question. Nothing, the answer is nothing. Doing nothing actually helps us out a ton. Don’t argue with people, don’t comment, don’t start political conversations with people you know you disagree with. Do nothing. You would think that would be an easier thing to do for Americans but that’s what you get for stereotyping. The only people you need to be angry at are the people who actually make decisions. Government representatives are literally the only people who have any power to change something. You can contact them, vote or do nothing those are your options. Or these very simple specifics:

  1. If you are anti-abortion, don’t get an abortion.
  2. If you cannot get pregnant, don’t worry about making choices for a pregnant woman.
  3. If you are against marriage equality, don’t marry someone of the same sex.
  4. If you don’t agree with a protest, take your daily walk at a different time.
  5. If you see people fighting on the internet, pretend it is a read-only version.

Do these things and the pain will subside for you individually, which is the first step in fixing the whole problem. Imagine each internet fight is the exact same as fighting with your spouse. The most logical and efficient thing to do is to take time to clear your head instead of arguing at the height of your anger. This is how to avoid bringing up “that one time with the barista” or whatever.

Next time someone wants to argue just walk out of the comment section like:

 

After I Thought I Was Dying, I Immediately Wanted To See Naked People?

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On December 6, 2016

In Blog Entry

A title meant to draw you into a very confusing experience that I haven’t yet sorted out completely. It is possible other people that have experienced this can relate but I have a hunch it might not be the afterthoughts we agree on.

The Incident

A few weeks ago we were mid-recording of the HugLife Podcast, talking about happiness or toots or cute animals and hope. About 15 minutes in my legs started to go numb. Thinking it was just the way I was sitting I stood up and started trying to shake them out, which made Mike (my co-host) very uncomfortable. I did some stand up podcast for awhile and thinking they had gotten better I sat back down. Probably 10 minutes later in episode 117 (listen here) you will here me go “um, I think we need to take a break for a second.” Although the break really does take 1 second in the episode don’t be confused, it was actually 5 hours. Some real Hollywood trickery.

The reason I decided to take a break was because I had started feeling very faint and dizzy and Mike immediately noticed that my pupils were fully dilated. The only other time I had felt like this was when I was on some sort of drug. Which is pretty easy to talk yourself out of because you know it is an effect of whatever drug you have taken. This however came at a time where I had eaten earlier in the day, thought I was hydrated, hadn’t taken anything or drank any alcohol for days before that. Which scared me more than anything.

Since, I couldn’t pinpoint the cause, I just tried anything that might make me feel better. I laid down and put an ice-pack on my head and tried to relax. Nothing was making it better which is when I went to the bathroom and started throwing up. Even though there was no stomach pain I thought maybe I had gotten food poisoning from what I had eaten earlier in the day. The only thing that did was now make me shaky as well. I felt like my whole body was passing out in increments. The top of my head, then my face, then my arms and chest, down to my legs.

I began to not be able to feel my hands or face. This clicked a little bit for me as one other time I had to go the emergency room months after a car accident with an elk because I was having these symptoms. Maybe it was my neck again! Well they weren’t able to help me with that before but this needed to stop.

Cut to me on my hands and knees kind of rocking back and forth like a child that can’t sit still during story-time. That’s when I decided we should call 911. As I scoot myself to the living area, I could only think about my current lack of health insurance and how if it was possible to not actually go to the hospital that would be great, because America.

The Paramedics

Three gentleman, that could be more accurately described as dudes, arrived to the apartment. The kids next door were jacked about it! One fireman started asking me questions while the other ones just sort of looked at our stuff. I explained how I was feeling and they took my heart rate, which was obviously very high just based on my concern for the way I was feeling. He asked what we were doing before this started and when I said podcasting all three of them noticed the microphones and said “you are not still recording are you?” No sir, I was not really interested in having my death on audio.

He took the rest of my vitals which were all fine. So they said it didn’t seem to be an emergency and if I could just lay down and relax that would be good but that I should see a doctor when I could. The least helpful of the fire fighters was across the room looking at our white board that has my other roommate Mitch and I’s ‘to-do’ lists on it. Mitch had happened to write ‘stop jerking off so much’ on his side. The fire fighter chimed in “oh man, I am like really dyslexic and I read Mitch’s as yours and thought, well how much are you doing that?”

Not really wanting to deal with creepy questions at the time, I laughed and then promptly responded “I think I do that an appropriate amount… but… would that make me feel like this?” They laughed and there was a moment where I thought I was going to be okay.

The Afterthoughts

As I laid on the couch and tried to relax and let the Xanax set in, there was only one thought that came to my very frustrated and fatigued mind. That I wanted to go to a strip club.

In the weeks since then, full of doctors visits and new medication for a crippling anxiety disorder – as I did have multiple more episodes of what is seemingly terrible panic attacks, some in my sleep – I have been trying to figure out why this was my first thought. I have some theories but none can really hold all the way up.

The 4 Theories For Why Monica Wanted To Go To The Strip Club

  1. I was feeling so alone, panicked and broken I would gladly pay a lady to pretend to love me? My thoughts had not been that I wanted a naked person to sit on my lap but that I just wanted someone to rub my back or something. Just a solid alternative to having health insurance.
  2. I was feeling so alone, panicked and broken that I wanted to watch people who we view as those things, so I could find a little solace in the fact I am not the only one who is struggling? Maybe I was hoping it would be obvious they were doing worse than I was and I would be distracted by trying to save them with my amazing stripper advice.
  3. I was so deeply in need of some version of strength I wanted to be around strong women and that’s where I knew they were? Both from an emotional stand point and the impressive limber physical strength. Regardless of if you have ever been or not you know that it takes an Olympic level upper body, lower body and core strength to do some of that pole work. I’m damn sure our Olympic ‘deal with bullshit and do whatever it takes to keep pushing’ team would be led by strippers. Apparently, subliminally I wish our country was run by them.
  4. I wanted so badly to think about anything else and I was well aware that naked people are literally the most distracting thing to other humans, in the world. Maybe I would have forgotten about the muscle I pulled in my neck throwing up or the general feel of doom if there were boobs out? We’ll never know.

I am now on some sweet new medication that seems to be helping a bit. Whether it is just that nothing at all leads to me having debilitating panic attacks or that I let my stress level get way too high, the result has been a horrendous 3 weeks. I’m doing fine, I’ll make it. My shows have been great, in fact the only time I feel completely normal is when I am on stage, maybe another connection to the strippers. Thank you to everyone who has come out to shows!

I have heard that before you think you are going to die your life flashes before your eyes. Well I have almost died, or thought I was going to die, upwards of 4 times and I have only ever seen a stripper flash me before my eyes. This is to all the other beat up people that are frustrated with anything that’s going on, we’ll all collectively take a deep breath and remember that it has been worse.

I love you.

Monica

P.S. New meditation will be up this week! Subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

Also, get your tickets now for the Night Before the Night Before, the show I am producing at Carco Theatre in Renton, Wa on Dec. 23rd. It will greatly decrease my stress level if you buy them now. (Here)

 

I’ve Been Told to be Quiet

By

On November 9, 2016

In Blog Entry

Disclaimer: I did not open this beer at 10 am. It was still open from last night and I just started drinking it again at 10 am. Please direct your concerns by writing them on naked pictures of yourself and sending them to my SnapChat (MonicaNevi).

I have been told to be quiet. If you know me, have read me, have seen me on stage you know that is a ridiculous request as I am an extremely quiet person. What I have really been told is to give up. Well, I am not going to do that. Last night we elected Donald Trump as our 45th President, and I want to apologize now for relentlessly using the r-word. I’m sure you have seen your friends or liberal counterparts posting how upset they are about this decision. Maybe you are just as upset. This post is to air the pain and call you to action for what comes next.

Here is what hurts: the fact that someone who has blatantly projected hate onto all of us, is who we put in office because we are dumb. No matter who you are, a person of color, a woman, a gay person, an immigrant, a poor person- Trump thinks you are literally a lesser person than he is. And we just told him he was right. We told every person of color their lives don’t matter. Told every immigrant we do think they are a terrorist or rapist. Told every person in the LGBTQ community they do not count. We just told every woman and every little girl to be quiet and every little boy that they can get away with silencing us. We just told mental illness to go find something else to worry about. We just checked the box that told every sexual assault victim that they deserved it or were asking for it. And we just put a gun to the head of progress and equality and told it to back the fuck up.

I have amazing parents: a mother stronger than any woman I have ever met and a father that would save the world if he was the standard for men in our country. They always told me I could be whatever I wanted and taught me how to love and respect every single other person. But still I have been taught my entire life by everyone else to be quiet. Don’t cause a scene, don’t have an opinion, just go with it. Boys, particularly white boys, have always been taught that they can do whatever they want and it is the sign of a real man to never take no for an answer. Not only CAN they do or have whatever they want but they DESERVE it, just for being a man. I fight everyday in every way I possibly can, hoping that this is not true or that I too am just as deserving of the things I want. Last night that was violently shoved down my throat and it was not consensual. This was all too apparent by Hillary’s concession speech. Her speech was full of dignity, grace and hope. She talked about giving Trump a chance, never giving up in fighting for what you think is right and how she is still proud to be an American… she went quietly! What the fuck! It was an amazing speech, made me cry harder than I already had been but that’s a forcefully obvious example of how society has oppressed women so much that even when we get as close as we can get to that glass ceiling, we still do it quietly. Bitch, you better throw something! I would like us all to take a deep breath and imagine the shit storm that would have been unleashed had he lost.

There is a long list of fundamental flaws in our society, that I harbor extreme embarrassment over, but this is the one I can change. I had to text my brother this morning and tell him to be careful because there will be an increase in violence against minorities; why would I ever have to send that? I’m not going to be quiet anymore, I know I am more than capable of doing the things I want to do. I know for a fact my version of America, the one where we love and support each other and there is no violence or hate, is the correct America. Stop treading lightly and start barking loudly. The only reason people listen to the NRA or the KKK is because they are inflamed, they make noise. Let’s make some fucking noise.

Hillary had to play nice so she could stay on both sides. We do not. We can be a Bernie Sanders-type heavy progressive people that are ready for exactly what we have been looking for. Either we get the equality and peace we have been asking for, or we take this whole motherfucking thing down. We don’t play quietly. We play hard and we play to win.

I thought to myself the other day, as I have many times, “I have been through so much trauma and bullshit, a reward is coming soon right? It has to.” I am terrified that I have started to accept that’s not how it works. We have been fed this idea that if we work hard and do what we are supposed to we will be rewarded and happy but that is not true. That’s a distraction. Most of us have had some shit happen in our lives. Terrible, traumatizing shit and WE DESERVE to get what we want for once. We didn’t do it last night but you bet your life there is a fire. A fire started in me and you and everyone who cares about anyone.

Before you start your comment about how I am a cunt, I know not ALL straight, white men are shitty, entitled people. I know that for sure because I have some amazing versions of them in my life, the best versions. My father is the best version of a straight white man. I have dated great version of this man and I have loved many more amazing versions of the men that will make the difference because they are on our side. One of my roommates took our recycling in this morning – while I cried in my bedroom – and then gave me the $5 from it, in what I can only assume is a gesture of his devotion to closing the wage gap. I know that not all straight white men are bad, but some are rapists. We picked the worst of them to be in charge- Donald Trump is the Brock Turner of orange people.

As you watch the strongest, smartest and best women, LGBTQ, immigrant and people of color cry today realize the severity of what we just did and then realize the severity of what we have to do next. It has to be a massacre, a flood, an all-encompassing storm of love, passion and understanding. There are more of us on the same side than we realize, just barely the majority (the electoral college can suck my balls). As we stay seated on the couch amidst this house fire we started in our own home, I have concluded the only way to do anything about it is to come together. There are more of us that care about each other and our differences than the ones who hate. Sure, you didn’t all make it to the polls, or wrote in Hamarabe and literally threw our country to the bigots but nonetheless there is a fire started. I get it, you did it to start the revolution. I thought that’s what the creepy clowns were but no. It is the creepy president. It has started, be loud, say what you want and when they try to keep you quiet, that just means you are doing it right.

For every tear that falls today, every student that walks out and every parent that explains to their kid there will always be hope, there will always be a movement: I’m glad you are here. My mom has always said the 60’s were a cool time. Janis Joplin lives again.

This October Take the Trash Out of Your Life

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On October 18, 2016

In Blog Entry

We are over halfway through the month of October and in preparation for my yearly Holiday Explosion followed by medium sized breakdown I figured why wait till Spring to do some cleaning. October seemed like the perfect month to take the garbage people out of my life. I am not talking about waste management services, those are angels in disguise. I’m talking about actual garbage posing as a person you may want to have in your life. We all want to be better, stronger, happier people. To lead us into this, here is motivational mad man Dan Peña to tell us how the people in your life effect your overall ability to be successful:

Now, I am not advocating cutting off all the people in your life, I am just encouraging you to sort them out differently. Like things that we have had for a long time some of it is garbage, some can be recycled and some can be composted to provide a natural nourishment even though it is gone. The most important is knowing what is garbage, that’s what needs to be removed immediately for health reasons. Here area few types of garbage people that must be removed.

Garbage

  1.  Those Who Can’t Celebrate You
    I have made this mistake more than once. This is the person who will first disguise their insecurities with “not wanting it to go to your head” when something good happens for you. As this goes on you will notice that you are never able to celebrate your accomplishments with this person. Anything that happens for you evokes either jealousy or fear that you will outgrow them. Unfortunately, by doing this they don’t realize that you already have. It’s harder now to be optimistic than ever before, have people in your life that not only celebrate your successes but help you dream and work for things you never thought imaginable. The person who won’t allow you to feel good about the amazing things you are doing is trash and needs to be taken out of your life can.
  2. The Argumentative
    This trash can be the most exhausting trash to have in your life. People who want to argue are usually people who just can’t admit when they are wrong or have trouble being flexible about anything. Which if you are bringing up the same thing over and over and nothing is changing this person does not respect you. Also, arguing is a sign of stupidity and we should all surround ourselves with people on our intellectual level and higher. Stupid people like to argue because it is the only way they can feel dominant. The smartest people can disagree, discuss and then still disagree but gain an understanding of the other person. The bag of garbage that is this person will decrease your ability to focus on good things or be happy as you spend too much energy arguing. Throw that trash out of your life!
  3.  People Who Think You Are Trash
    Here is the confusing part, you’ll be trash to someone too. Whoever it may be, they may be wrong or maybe just not right but some people make us into trash. If you think you are trash to someone who just hasn’t come to grips with it, throw them out first. Laying in a pile of trash only makes you dirty too. More often than not this person has projected something on you, making you believe you are not good enough. People who are frustrated that you are not doing what they want will make you feel like you are a bad person, you are not. They frequently want to tell you how you feel or what your intentions are when you already know that. In a similar sense if someone is not into you, get them out of there too, being desperate and chasing is not attractive or helpful in relationship balance. Someone who thinks you are anything but great is trash, get them out of here!
  4.  The Compensation Seeker
    There are people who constantly need to be compensated for everything. Being acknowledged is one thing but this person only does things to get something they want out of you. People should be in your life because they want to be and they appreciate you for who you are. Take care of those ones when you can, do not feel obligated to take care of them all the time. Real friendships reciprocate these things naturally. The most important part of this one is the negative compensation, this is the person who when frustrated with you will do something to get you back. You decide you want a break from the relationship and they immediately sleep with someone to hurt you. This trash is the reason Ross is everyone’s least favorite character. Basically anyone who threatens you, they are trash take them out!
  5.  Anyone Who Doesn’t Make You Feel Good
    Let’s just stop wasting our time pretending we like people or denying the inevitable, that way you can focus on the rad people in your life and strengthen those relationships or find the new ones that will actually work. I have spent countless hours playing in the trash when I could have been recycling or happy. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, what you are doing or needs something to make themselves feel better clean them out of your life can!!!

Recycling

Not everyone is trash, some people can be re-purposed, some can even be up-cycled. These are people who maybe have been used up in their original capacity but can now be used for something else. Examples of this include a co-worker that can become a friend, a friend that can become a lover, an ex-husband can become a parenting partner or your friend’s cousin can become a sexual learning experience. The best way to recycle is to first determine if it is trash or not, then recycle it as something that is much better for your environment than creating more trash for yourself.

Composting

These are the things that are completely lost, they can’t come back or be used for anything else but they will be a part of your environment forever. Allow them to nourish the new growth in your life. The good parts of them will be fuel for the next steps and the bad parts just disappear. These people may be those who have passed on, relationships that may have ended because of reasons outside of trash (i.e. timing, location, other complications), friends that are taken down distant paths from you. Absorb the good parts and forget the bad ones. Know that trash cannot be composted it just sits on top of everything until you throw it out.

October is the month to get the trash out of your life so you can focus on the upcoming months of family and friends and people worth your energy! I am excited to enter November with an empty life can, there is too much crazy happening not to! Think about it… or you can just see this as trash and throw it right out of your head dumpster. We are all just trying to make our carbon assholeprint smaller.

Here is a short meditation I made specifically for October. Now that you are starting to sort some of the garbage people out of your life listen to this to relax you and help you finish the month out strong.

Well That’s Debatable – A Presidential #2

By

On October 10, 2016

In Blog Entry

Yes. The title is a poop joke. I figured it was necessary to set the tone for this short recap with the level of maturity we are dealing with. The second of the Presidential Debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is over and I will quickly give you the most important and ridiculous things that you missed. I am sincerely hoping you missed it because it was painful and I wish that pain on no human.

The Trump Tapes

We jumped right in. The first question was pertaining to the tape released Friday of Donald Trump saying some terrible things about women. If you haven’t heard it he basically said he kisses ladies without even asking and because he is a star he can do whatever he wants, ‘grab them by the pussy, anything.’ He apologized but he did take quite a dance when pressed about if he thought it was okay to treat women that way or if he had actually done those things. Anderson Cooper made an effort to illustrate that the things he said would be sexual assault. Trump passed it off as “locker room talk.” Be glad you didn’t watch it as this part grouped all men into being hate filled sexual deviants and made any vagina that was watching physically close up.

The impressive part of him not really denouncing what he said was that he was still able to work ISIS into this. In short he said he was sorry but ISIS is cutting people’s heads off so your pussies are for grabbing.

Mr. Clinton

Yes, the former President. In an attempt to redirect the heat from the tape, Trump held a conference with the “Bill Clinton Accusers” before the debate and then brought three women who had accused Mr. Clinton of sexual misconduct to the debate and sat them with the Trump family. Something he had threatened previously with the Gennifer Flowers rumor last debate. Although as humans we should be seriously concerned for any type of unwanted sexual conduct this was the equivalent of being in a fight and then saying “well my dad is rich.” Which no one is surprised Donald would do. She basically said it wasn’t true but really wanted to move forward to a topic that she would have been involved in. What Trump doesn’t realize is by continually bringing this up he is just putting Bill’s dick back in places it shouldn’t be. Which is exactly where he likes it.

Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz

There is a little leniency for the other moderators as they were definitely thrown into a fire storm all alone wearing flammable clothing but these two did by far the best. I would assume they were prepared for what was going to happen but I think anyone watching appreciated them really telling each candidate when their time was up (and it was up a lot) as well as multiple rephrasing or reiterating what the questions were about and how, usually Don, hadn’t answered them.  They pressed on some of the issues we are tired of hearing about and wanted the candidates to really answer the questions as well as stop fucking interrupting each other and the moderators. If I could vote for and Anderson – Raddatz ticket, I would.

Audience

It was the Town Hall meeting style debate where some undecided voters were able to ask questions directly to the candidates and the moderators could follow up as well. Not until the end of the debate did we get three questions that I thought were really going to bring some new discussions and answers. First, a woman asked about the Supreme Court vacancy and wanted to know what their thoughts were for that (Trump wants a Scalia cut out and Clinton wants someone who will uphold marriage equality and Roe v. Wade).

Then, Ken Bone – who everyone now wants to bone – asked a very pointed question about what happens next in the way of renewable energy sources while maintaining the jobs that some fossil fuel usage provide. Trump said we found more oil and coal, so he would stay focused on using those resources. Clinton said she sees renewable energy sources as the steps to take for the future and that she wants to bridge a movement between fossil fuels, natural gases and renewable energy and that those things will create jobs. I haven’t herd them talk about that much and I think the environment needs to be more central to this election. Way to go Ken.

Finally, Carl got to sneak one last question in and asked each candidate to say something they liked about the other. My HugLife ears perked right up, I want Carl on the podcast. I thought it was great. Hillary said Trump’s children were cool so he must have done something right with them, it was moderately backhanded. He said that Hillary is a fighter and won’t ever give up. It was actually kind of nice to see them say something that wasn’t terrible about the other one. Carl wins in my eyes.

The Bullet Points

A few other things happened that were enjoyable and by enjoyable I mean bearable.

  • Trump said something directly contradicting something his running mate Mike Pence said in the Vice Presidential Debate. Trump basically said he was wrong, Pence is pissed.
  • They did not shake hands at the beginning. It was awkward and tense and started everything out on the edge. I assume she didn’t want him to grab her pussy.
  • Russia. Trump said he didn’t know anything about Russia and then he said he did and it fostered this tweet that I am extremely proud of:

Overall if you love the juicy, catty, gossip and feeling like your parents are fighting at your birthday party you missed out! If you wanted to hear more about the policies and election topics there were a few new things that came in based on the audience questions but it was a lot of the same stuff and mostly sassy. No one actually said the P word though. I watched it for you and now I have to go eat a block of cheese or something.

Image result for Mad parents gif

Well That’s Debatable – Virginia Vice

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On October 5, 2016

In Blog Entry

If you did not have the time or emotional strength to make it through the Vice Presidential debate between Governor Mike Pence and Senator Tim Kaine you should feel confident that no one blames you. Also, don’t worry I watched it for you and I think I have crafted a literary experience that will take through similar emotions in a shorter amount of time.

Come with me on a quick journey through the awkward and at times confusing experience that was the Vice Presidential Debate. In order to illustrate this I have written a short story which both you and I are involved in.

The Setting

Imagine we are friends. We’re young, extremely attractive and dragged to a dinner party in a neighborhood far above my parents living wages but they said we had to go along. We arrive at a nice house but there are few other people our age there. Immediately when we enter the house there is an palpable strain, as if everyone knows something very tense that we do not, like something had happened before. This is where our story begins.

The Beginning

We enter the house with my parents. The owner of the house, Elaine, greets us cheerfully and takes our coats. Although she comes off very friendly and beautiful there is a nervous aura to her actions. We turn to each other with a look that says ‘shit is about to go down.’ We enter the kitchen on our path to the main party area but instead of following my parents we tell them we are going to check out the food situation and we will meet them out there. Here is where we find our spirit guide in this journey, my drunk aunt that tells it exactly like it is.

We were right, some shit had gone down. DJ Cool Dad (Tim Kaine) and Papa (Mike Pence) are about to go head to head. The tension is so high because only a week ago, DJ Cool Dad slept with Papa’s wife and he won’t stop smiling about it. He arrived at the party on his high horse, feeling confident because his link to this woman has given him more power than he could have imagined. Everyone is attempting to navigating around the inevitable explosions. As the guests gather in the living room we are not sure what is going to happen but we have a moderate feeling it could be interesting.

The Battle

You and I finally enter living room area and find a seat where we can get a good look at DJ Cool Dad and Papa, as they have now sat at the same table. Elaine is in between them, seemingly ready to get a civil conversation started. We know that Elaine has not been the subject of any of their sexual escapades… yet.

As the conversation gets started it seems rehearsed and polished, as if they knew the other was going to be there. However, as the answers get longer, the sassy retorts get less and less subtle. A couple jokes about Papa’s boss’s former job on a reality show, fun at first but we are both ready for someone to dig deeper. This is the only thing that is supposed to keep our attention at this party and we have yet to be impressed.

The enjoyable part about Papa is although he is supposed to be on the receiving end of this beating he stayed very calm, actually setting the stage for DJ Cool Dad to come off as annoying and over-zealous. Now we are feeling irritated by the whole thing. Nothing too juicy is really surfacing, we heard a lot of this from my aunt in the kitchen over and over because she is drunk. The reality of the snide remarks and the facial expressions keep us interested. DJ Cool Dad has impeccable side eye and Papa’s calm demeanor let’s him stay unfazed even though the history of his situation has left him digging out of a hole. Maybe he is drunk? Maybe he doesn’t know all the information about what is going on? Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t actually care?

As the argument gets heated and DJ Cool Dad gets more and more annoying we begin to get the feeling that although calm, Papa has been involved in some real questionable shit in his past. There are some very catty exchanges, they continually interrupt each other as they lay down the attacks on each other. It holds our attention because we are afraid of missing something epic but the meat of it all is stuff my drunk aunt has known for weeks. It’s getting annoying but there are a few moments where you, me and the other onlookers are like: ooooo-andy

The Aftermath

To end the whole argument we finally get to hear what we think might be a pointed question to the two men involved. We are excited at the potential to hear how they feel about a topic sans references to outside influences. Elaine leans in and asks about their faith and what that means for the whole situation they are in. Cheating? Supporting war? Lying? No let’s get involved in the decisions that women should or should not be able to make. Then DJ Cool Dad comes in with a mic droppers and says “hey Papa, why don’t you trust women?” OOOOOOOOO. You and I back out like: hands-up

The Summary

Honestly, reading that story was way more fun than what actually happened. They talked a lot about the terrible things each of their running mates had done, very little about their backgrounds and what they might bring to the table and gave us an insight into whatever their annoying tendencies might be. Nobody really did anything. Tim Kaine proved capable and qualified enough to be a sidekick and Mike Pence proved to be supportive enough of Trump’s crazy all while bringing a very balancing temperament.

The most interesting and intense part was the faith based talk about abortions. Tim Kaine said the very quotable “why don’t you trust women” and Mike Pence actually made sense when he said “if you are going to be pro-life you have to be pro-adoption.” Other than that nothing new really happened but you could get a fair idea of what we are getting attitude-wise from each Vice Presidential candidate.

At the end of our story we sneak off with the bottle of champagne my aunt passed out next to and becomes best friends while hiding our slight buzz from my parents. The general tension of the party has already subsided and we forgot why we were interested in the first place.

Moral of the story is Tim Kaine seems like a dad who is doing too much and Mike Pence seems like he would make all children call him Papa.

Wanna see me high on stage watch this:

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