Comedian

Tag: Vote

Well That’s Debatable – The Unbiased Highlights from Debate #1

If you are like me, you do genuinely want what’s best for the future of the United States and the world. When it comes to the 2016 Presidential Election however, you are well aware of how ridiculous this political clown train (bigger than a clown car) has gotten and are looking for some fun highlights. We like sports and we like things simple because we are dumb. Here are the Debate Center Top Plays of the night! Amurica.

Some of you may be concerned because I have a history of laying left and I’m sure both sides are frustrated with the candidate bashing today but fear not. Whoever you are voting for, whoever you hate, whatever insecurities you are burying with anger toward politicians, throw them out the window. Here are the top 5 highlighted takeaways of the first presidential debate, no matter who you are:

debate1

1. Cat fight

It has been deemed one of the “fiercest” debates to date and I like fierce. There is so much pent up frustration and angst for both of these presidential candidates. No matter who you support you had to be ready for Mr. Donald Trump to talk the same way he has and interrupt everyone like the Republican Debates. What we did not expect was Hillary to get in there with some personal jabs too! Trump is not afraid to cut you off when he thinks you are saying something incorrect (or just disparaging) but for Hillary to slide in some comments and attacks about the economy being “Trump’d up” or him “living in his own reality” really increased the entertainment value of the whole thing and that’s what we Americans are into. Calm down ladies, it’s only the first round!

2. Wrong!

Any experience can be a learning experience and last night I learned if you don’t agree with something people are saying, you can just yell ‘wrong!’ or ‘no’ over them while they try and finish their statement. At the very least just shake your head hard enough or make faces that let the audience know whatever your opponent is saying, you disagree with. There is a value to this in regular life, if ever in an argument from now on I will just shake my head violently enough that I can’t even hear what bullshit they are telling me (because like you, I am always right) and move on accordingly.

They both did it.

3. First Gentleman

There are some people who really don’t like Bill Clinton, for the various reasons available that might lead one to that opinion. We just recently had some issues with Hillary’s health and questions about her being helped into a car when she looked like she was fainting. Well, ease your mind. If you don’t want Hillary because you don’t want to have Bill around again OR you are a Trump supporter you may be in luck, Bill looks like he is dying. If you haven’t been able to see any of the coverage lately Google will auto-fill “Bill Clinton…” with “has AIDS” so clearly his health is in question.

4. Lack of Sexuality

Luckily, for most Americans there were few jabs taken about looks or relationship histories. Hillary did touch on some of Trump’s treatment of women in the past but only on a broad level, nothing about his family. He only really attacked Bill as a president and not as a family man. No mention of his immigrant wife or multiple divorces and nothing about her husband’s infidelities or women of the past. She even wore a full red pants suit to divert any thoughts of a blue dress. I appreciated that but there is part of me that thinks maybe they are saving it up for another time.

5. Income Tax

No matter how you feel about Trump withholding his tax information, the controversy was on the table last night. Trump’s reasoning has been that he is being audited and cannot release them. We should all appreciate Lester Holt’s pressing of the issue and saying that he is definitely able to give that information during the audit. It seems it is another silly thing we are hung up on that is a simple fix of just sharing that information. However, the best part of this question was when Hillary called him out for not having paid his income taxes he interrupted her to say that he did not pay them because he is smart. Amazing. If you weren’t excited by that, you’re the robot. Smart people don’t have to pay income tax, I’m on board with that Don. Income tax might be the bane of most people’s existence, but our employers have to comply with the law, so there’s no use in us getting overly upset about it. In fact, we should feel some sympathy for those involved in sorting out the company payroll as it’s quite a gruelling task, certainly not one that I’d fancy giving a go. However, many businesses have been making use of what is known as an HRIS tool which streamlines the workload for those in human resources and helps to curtail the feeling of drowning in paperwork. It’s a wonder we ever did without it in business!
jedi-kitties

Those were the Top 5 highlights from the first 2016 Presidential Debate. I put a lot of effort into the unbiased part. If you didn’t watch the debates, good on you and now you know the most important parts that you missed. It is about entertainment, Bernie! It’s not about hope anymore so let’s get something out of it.

This debate was brought to you by Cocaine and Water: Cocaine and Water, it’s tremendous!

Also by Pant Suits: Pants Suits, cause you’re a lady.

Thank you for reading another silly article at monicanevi.com! A BUNCH OF EXCITING STUFF IS HAPPENING SOON! SIGN UP FOR MY E-MAIL LIST TO GET THE NEWS EARLY AND SPECIAL DEALS 🙂

I love you. We are going to be okay.

Would You Rather? Bernie v.s. Hilary

On the eve of the very important California Democratic Primary, this might be the last time it is relevant to play one of my favorite games with these two candidates. I love the game Would You Rather, it’s like politics for dumb people. You take two scenarios of which you HAVE to choose one them, no other way out. It is like a litmus test, exactly like that. So let’s take a stroll through this last stretch together and talk about the things that WE care about when it comes to these candidates.

So… Who Would You Rather:

hillary_clinton_bernie_sanders

Go to an NBA Finals Game With

Election year during the greatest season a team has had, possibly ever, makes basketball more important this year than in any other election. AND the last important place they need votes from happens to be the golden land of the warriors that are fighting that battle. So this is a far more important question than you are giving it credit for. Both can pander to those fans and whoever wins the nomination can definitely use it in November. “You guys got robbed” or “take Steph’s team away and he’s nothing, Lebron carries that team” or “of course Lebron is good, he’s huge. Try being a little guy and still be one of the most well-rounded, greatest shooters of all time”… depending on the outcome.

Now I know some of you are thinking Bernie was at a Western Conference Finals game! Of course you want to go with him! No. I am a basketball purist, I need no one with me, especially some dude in a suit “sitting with the American people” not sporting a team in a sea of yellow. I stand up and clap when I watch games at home, I don’t need to sit in the middle of everyone to feel it. So this is why I chose the richer, non-sports fan candidate. If you’re a sports fan, you have attended many games in the nose bleeds, in the cold/rain (Seattle), in the heat just so you can be there with your team. I am all too familiar, I am women’s basketball fan, we go to games when no one else is there. So if I get to chose who I go with!?!? Of course I pick Hillary because she is the outsider, she will do everything she can to be comfortable (box seats), she wants everyone to like her and feels she is making up for mistakes (free drinks), she loves it when you are happy to the point where no matter how much she hates the game or you (Bill) she won’t leave until you want to go and she wants to promote her solidarity so now we have matching jerseys she purchased.

Hillary.

Be Friends with a Movie Character by Their Name

I am a Christmas freak. Love the time of year, love the holiday, not religious. I listened to Christmas music on my drive to and from San Diego yesterday, which is just where I happened to be driving as I usually listen to it no matter where I am going. One of the classic Christmas movies I enjoy is The Santa Claus. Tim Allen getting fat and becoming Santa while also still being a little bit perverted, tis the season. If you remember correctly Bernard is the name of the head elf at the North Pole. Bernard doesn’t take any shit and OBVIOUSLY runs a tight ship, since Christmas gets done every year in that movie. I’m in. Bernard and I could take over the world together.

Maybe you are not a Christmas person, celebrate something else during that time or just don’t buy in. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Boom, rich guy, awesome party house, doesn’t talk too much. Sure he was going to have the main characters killed in the beginning but that didn’t work out so now it’s just a good time. His arms move oddly similar to those of Bernie Sanders as well.

Hillary Whitney Essex from Beaches. Although there are some striking similarities between this character and the real Hillary (rich girl, two ladies going for the same man, etc.) I don’t think we would work. I do struggle to find common ground with people who comes from very rich backgrounds and although she does end up cherishing a friendship with a struggling entertainer like myself it is still a lot of turbulence in the process and I don’t need that.

Bernie.

Have Sex with

Although I am pretty confident both have eaten a box before this is a tough question and I suppose really depends on what you are into. For example, Bernie seems a little more loving, maybe more generous, you tell him what you want and he does it. I dare say he has been with a diverse group of ladies in his day and has respected each of them accordingly. I do see him checking in a lot “are you ok? is this allowed? let’s just check on the consent here” which can be kind of annoying but necessary. He is not concerned about his on orgasm, more about you. However, I am a no-pain for the pleasure type of girl, so this works for me.

Hillary seems like more of boss in the sheets. She’ll tell you how this is going to go and tell you how you are going to like it. People are into that, if she can throw you around she will. I will go so far as to say her and Bill are possibly into some kinky stuff, bringing things into the bedroom or other people maybe. We are aware she keeps hot sauce in her bag, so we know she can take a dick. Regardless if you pick Hillary for your bang sesh prez, Bill will be watching.

I think sex is too subjective and dependent on what you are into or feeling like that day. Therefore I can’t make this call for you. If only we chose a candidate based on their performance in a threesome. But for me-

Bernie.

Beach Volleyball Partner

I want to go Hillary initially because she is a little more squatty and in control of her extremities like any good setter should be. Good solid base and a proportional limbs, I like that in a volleyball partner. Also, her competitive nature seems to stay consistent and in any sport that is important, consistent play from start to finish. You can knock her down and read her e-mails but she will get back up and keep playing. She will never give up no matter what the margin is and she lights that fire under her teammates as well.

Bernie on the other hand is a little bit lankier of an athlete, which in Volleyball can prove helpful. Getting over the net. As neither of these candidates can probably jump anymore his reach would be extremely important for us. Also, we have seen his endurance, stamina and commitment to finishing what he has started. I love that. I feel Bernie might be a little bit more of team player and support me in my play which ultimately helps our whole team rise up. But-

Hillary.

Have as a Parent

Luckily (maybe), for this one we have some examples of how we might turn out if these people were our parents. Their children. Now, we do have a little more to looks at on the Sanders side of things as he does have four kids to Hillary’s one. We are also far more familiar with Chelsea as she has been around just as long at Billary has.

I enjoyed my childhood life with my parents but I much rather have a strong relationship with them as an adult as that is what we all spend the most time doing with them. My parents are awesome to hang out with, I bring them everywhere I can. I would want my President parent to be the same. So who would you rather hang out with? Who can you bring around the in-laws? Who is going to help you when you make mistakes or need support? Who is still going to be tough enough to straighten you up but not too tough so you hate them? Great questions.

I think Chelsea turned out pretty great, especially given that she grew up in the political lime-light her whole life. Formerly a correspondent for NBC and now taking on an important role in the Clinton non-profit foundation. Boom, I’m in. That sounds like a great life. Maybe I am looking past Hillary specifically here as Bill seems like he might be the one you want to ask to go out because mom will say no. Bill seems like the one who lets you have beer at Thanksgiving but you can’t tell mom. Also, you get to hang out with Uncle Rog and he seems like a party but that is still dad’s side. Although we have heard Hillary indulges in the alcohol sometimes I do still feel like she might be a little bit of an uptight, helicopter mom.

Bernie is ready to deal with the adversity that the modern family can bring and I like that. He has four kids, none of which are actually from him and his wife. She had three before their marriage but Bernie considers them his children. As well as his son from his first marriage. This gives us insight into his ability to manage a big household, accept people in his life and embrace their relationships no matter how complicated the beginning. Therefore, you would feel most comfortable bringing people home to this parent, he will love whoever you love. Also, he would totally smoke pot with you when the family gather got overwhelming. Senator Cool Dad.

Bernie.

Based on all these questions I would vote for Bernie. I already voted in Washington though, so none of this matters. I just wanted to get your minds turning about the REAL issues at hand in this election. So pick what’s most important to you -sex, basketball, your volleyball league- and make your decision. Go vote tomorrow if you are in California. Regardless of what happens, I am picking the Democrat in November but you get to decide who beats that moldy orange. Let’s see what more than 50% of the country think and actually get out and vote this time and in November.

This election is one big game of Marry, Fuck, Kill.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén