Monica Nevi

Comedian

Tag: Trump

Achieving Dreams in Chaos

By

On October 30, 2020

In Blog Entry

Mostly Finger Guns is here.

We need a break.

I love checking off lists. I love finishing something I said I was going to. I love being done. That being said, I’m not that organized and I struggle to manage my time in a regular scenario, let alone this one. 

I set a lot of goals this year, which by the time March rolled around, seemed like a setup! A lot of those goals were to finish projects I had been dreaming about and working on for years leading up to this.

I recorded my first standup album in December of 2019, after Christmas, literally as late in 2019 as you could get. We sold out shows at The Comedy Underground, I hand picked six people to open for me that all crushed it and I had the most fun I have had on stage.

I had been working since Spring of 2019 recording guided meditations for a 10-track album (out in one month!) and sending them to a composer, Jeremy Shabo, who was putting them to original music. We would talk about what kind of feel I wanted while listening to it and then he would come back with something perfect. I felt great about the progress I was making and excited to have something more to give to you, finally.

Cue 2020.

I was finishing up the meditations and getting calls from the label about the standup album and how happy they were with it. Still touring and enjoying shows, excited to tell people my albums were coming out (they would clap when I just said I was putting one out). Then this ALL happened.

The largest crowd I have performed for in 2020 was giving my cousin’s eulogy. The next night I performed in a movie theater for a lot less people and made jokes about my Corona tattoo. Sure, I got laughs at both but it was less than a week before everything shut down and I might never do standup as we knew it, again. 

We had no idea what we were in for.

When this all first started, I did not know what to expect, none of us did. I couldn’t have predicted this. We would be eight months into a pandemic and semi-lockdown when I finally achieve dreams I have had for 10 years. It does make the release feel a little bit different. 

My love affair with stand-up, now feels like a long-distance relationship. Everyone tells you that you can make it work with Zoom, you’ll be together again one day and at least they can’t get you pregnant.

I ‘found’ stand-up when I was in a terribly low point in my life. I put found in quotes because I had wanted to do it since I was 14 but it took a lot of personal struggle and six years to actually get up and do it. I was a month from being 21 and really had nothing to lose. I watched people record live albums, I bought them all and later on I opened for SO many comedians recording their albums. I opened for one label five times in one year and there was never a mention of recording me, at all. 

Give us a break!

A lot of my career, I have felt like I just needed a break. Well a lot of my life. Which, I understand isn’t the best outlook to have for an optimist but it piles on after awhile and I’m sure we all feel that way. I had been toying with the idea of just recording my own album and figuring out how to put it out but I really wanted someone to do that for me. 

A year before the pandemic started I was at the Limestone Comedy Festival in Bloomington, Indiana, stressing about how I would get the most out of the three days I would be there. I guess I did okay because right before I was headed out to leave, Ross Duncliffe from On Tour Records asked to have a coffee meeting before I left. He wanted to record my album and I’m so glad that we did and so glad I took 20 minutes before taking a shuttle to Indianapolis to talk with him. 

The experience of getting the album the way I wanted, recording over a full weekend, hand selecting my openers and watching them crush followed by the months of listening over and over again afterward to make sure it’s great, was all a stress I had wanted to experience for so long. Now it’s happened and during the weirdest time. Did I imagine not being able to tour when it came out? No. Did I know I would have to conquer a Ninja Sex Party to top the charts? No. I thought that would mean something different. It seems like it could be tainted in some way but for me, it actually feels like I got a bit of break, right when I needed it.

It’s like the NBA.

I can only compare it to basketball because that’s the only thing I compare anything too. If you won this year, if you were the LA Lakers or the Seattle Storm, some people may give you an asterisk. Some people seem to think it would have been easier to have a season in a bubble, during a pandemic. But I think the asterisk means it was harder. Watching the NBA and WNBA get tested every single day, have to play games every other day, be activists everyday, all while separated from their families… kind of makes regular seasons look simple. 

As much as I want to celebrating today with you, in person, performing, having bud lights with my family, I am proud to have the asterisk of making this happen DESPITE the situation we are in. I feel like Sue Bird in the clutch today, we made it happen anyway and I am Megan Rapinoe’s favorite comic. 

A good friend told me I was immortal now. What an interesting way to think about it. This exists forever now. I feel special to have become immortal during a pandemic! I’m ready for my Marvel movie now. 

I hope listening to it, gives you a break when you need it to. Break from politics, from remote learning, from work and from me posting about it. 

I am proud of what we’ve done and I’m so thankful to have all the people in my life and all the people who are getting a break with this album as a part of my team! Join us for the livestream celebration show 10/30/2020 on YouTube at 7pm pacific time. 

Thank you so much, 

Monica Nevi

Click to get your copy!  

 

 

I Know What America’s Problem Is

By

On January 24, 2017

In Blog Entry

After a year and a half of watching people argue online, taking notes on what really fires us up as Americans and what really fires me up, I have figured it out. Second only to grammar mistakes, the reason people are so mad at each other is because our number one purpose in life is to get in other people’s business. Grammar mistakes could possibly fall under that same umbrella. We are upset about the
things other people are doing, that frequently don’t affect us and they are upset that we are upset. It’s not our fault, we’re still Americans… nothing is our fault. Someone else made us into this, potentially on purpose so that they could manipulate us by showing us other people’s stuff to get in.

Internet Mind Control And How It Works

Yes, I am writing a blog about this and that hypocrisy is not lost on me, it’s as if I did it on purpose. Here at MonicaNevi.com we are only trying to highlight the comedy that is in the bullshit. I do genuinely want to draw our attention to the fact our natural longing to snoop in other people’s shit has been monopolized by people who are smarter than us. Possibly a symptom of technological advances, not that those advances allow us to peer into each other’s lives more easily but that they make everything else so mindless that we get bored and need to know what you are up to in order to entertain ourselves. You don’t even have to use your words to have a stranger bring food to your door anymore.

Social media is the new medicine cabinet. There is some biological explanation for why I think it is a horrible idea you got engaged but then spent 45 minutes going through all of your engagement photos. You look like assholes and I want to see it. Even if you did a good job of staying out of other people’s business, the next time you are in any real-life social space someone is going to ask if you saw what Sarah posted on her Facebook or read that blog post that Monica put up. You want to be able to be involved in the conversation. A major part of the world can be seen as a gossip site and America is the comment section that got real racist for no apparent reason.

The petty, childish social stuff is not what is wrong with America. What that conditioning has spawned is the problem. It’s our incessant need to be involved in other people’s business and lives when we are not satisfied or entertained by our own. I could screenshot some terrible examples that have come up in the last week but I’m sure you have been traumatized enough. What I am talking about is the need to argue with each other because what they think about the things that you think is worth arguing over until neither of you know who’s life you’re talking about. Not them, their life is perfect and they have run out of things to worry about. So much so that when a bunch of people decided to go for a walk at the same time, it made them so mad. I struggle with this concept because if you didn’t go for the walk, you did everything you can do to change that. If you think tweeting people who took the time to make a witty sign that you hope they get raped is going to get some of them to change their minds, I very seriously question the presence of brain activity.

The Real Problem With America

The problem isn’t that you are upset about something that affects you, it’s that you want to meddle in other people’s lives so constantly that you forget about your own life and how most of this has nothing to do with you. It is just another vein to run unsubstantiated hatred through. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for us to keep our mouths shut about stuff that doesn’t affect us. The curiosity is understandable, it’s the ability to call people out and anonymously attack them about it that is new and out of control. Look in the medicine cabinet but don’t run out of the bathroom with their Valtrex in hand, screaming that they are a whore. As soon as they point out a different name on the bottle or tell some heartbreaking story about why they would have that in the first place, you are going to look like a grade-A dick bag. Why does every little thing have to be an argument? America feels like the parents that should have gotten divorced years ago but stayed together for the kids even though the kids won’t talk to them anymore.

The part every single person should be upset about is that we got tricked. They got us, they did it all on purpose. “They” being the smarter people that targeted us dummies, who love gossip so much it’s in the title of many of our favorite entertainment sources. They were smart enough to use our need to know what’s in the medicine cabinet, what you said in your diary, your e-mails or your text messages against us. I – so badly – want to know what freaky stuff you have waiting in your Amazon basket. Our natural curiosity has been turned against us by removing the filter on our constant judgment.

What Can I Do To Fix This Problem?

What can you do to fix this problem? Great question. Nothing, the answer is nothing. Doing nothing actually helps us out a ton. Don’t argue with people, don’t comment, don’t start political conversations with people you know you disagree with. Do nothing. You would think that would be an easier thing to do for Americans but that’s what you get for stereotyping. The only people you need to be angry at are the people who actually make decisions. Government representatives are literally the only people who have any power to change something. You can contact them, vote or do nothing those are your options. Or these very simple specifics:

  1. If you are anti-abortion, don’t get an abortion.
  2. If you cannot get pregnant, don’t worry about making choices for a pregnant woman.
  3. If you are against marriage equality, don’t marry someone of the same sex.
  4. If you don’t agree with a protest, take your daily walk at a different time.
  5. If you see people fighting on the internet, pretend it is a read-only version.

Do these things and the pain will subside for you individually, which is the first step in fixing the whole problem. Imagine each internet fight is the exact same as fighting with your spouse. The most logical and efficient thing to do is to take time to clear your head instead of arguing at the height of your anger. This is how to avoid bringing up “that one time with the barista” or whatever.

Next time someone wants to argue just walk out of the comment section like:

 

The Most Concerning Poll Results this ENTIRE Election!

By

On November 1, 2016

In Uncategorized

The media tells us something different about the 2016 Presidential Election everyday. Clinton is winning today but Trump is winning tomorrow. The only information scarier than what the media is reporting is what they are not. There are things going on in our country and on an individual level that we are ignoring. Everyday our overall lack of self-awareness, the presence of self-hate and our inherent ability to just be mean to ourselves and one another are marching us closer to the end of times.debate1

At this point you are wondering what I am talking about. A week ago I took it upon myself to start a twitter poll asking one of the most important questions asked this year. The poll and results brought up some tremendous concerns on literal and figurative levels.

The Question

If time travel was possible and a future version of yourself returned to your current self and offered to go down on you, would you do it?

The Results:
twitter-poll
It was a tight race most of the time. Yes was up for quite awhile. Then No. Then Yes. Then No.

The Concern

First of all, there is a right answer. It is yes. The concern with the majority ending up swaying to the no side is that there is a blatant lack of self-love happening. If we can’t even love ourselves, how are we supposed to love anyone else? I have always said, why would I expect anyone else to want to have a box lunch or have sex with me if I wouldn’t consider it myself? Think about the product you are putting out there before criticizing other people for not wanting it. If you are confident in yourself, they will be drawn to you. Secondly, you don’t have to tell anyone. Even if you were embarrassed by kneeling at your own altar, which you shouldn’t be, you could 100% keep it a secret. I can’t even tell who voted for what on twitter unless you added a clever disclaimer. My initial thought is if you are afraid to say yes for some feeling of shame, there is probably another list of things you are hiding. Finally, since it is hypothetical at this point you get to pick what version of yourself it is. You can get your shit together, you can be the body type or personality type you want to be and then be rewarded for the work you have yet to put into that body. If you are having issues with your own confidence you get to make your future self who you want to be, which is a fun exercise. What can you add to your life to allow yourself time travel self pleasure?

Great Points by Voters

Much like the election, the poll led to some points that I hadn’t even thought of from both sides. Some had concerns about what their future self might look like:

Although I had not considered that, I figured it is a hypothetical and you can make yourself as hot as you want. Which brings us back to the original point of lacking self worth. You can make your body however you want it in a fantasy, the second guy wanted a bigger version of himself. You get to chose how hot you are but your negative thoughts about yourself aren’t allowing you to do that. Others nailed this part:

I didn’t necessarily mean for it to be a divisive question and was honestly prepared for people to be full of humor and self love and say yes. However, some people were just as appalled as I was and let us know their reasons:

The Flaws

There are a few flaws in the process:

  1. Small voter turnout. It is a known political science statistic that results stop varying after a sample size of 1,200 votes are taken, which was well off from 53 voters in this poll.
  2. Voter requirements. Although advertised on other social media outlets, the voter must have had a twitter account to be able to participate in the poll, leaving many unable to vote.
  3. Potential voter fraud. There was one conservative voter than was very unhappy with the idea that people may want to say yes to themselves and after leaving the polling headquarters to go hang out with a group of registered but uncounted voters the numbers jumped up on the no side.

I am not saying the results would be different had these flaws been addressed but it may be worth trying again.

The Election

What does this have to do with current Presidential Election that will wrap up in just a matter of days? So much. We have spent the last year compiling reasons why we hate each of the candidates and letting those drops of hatred creep into our feelings for one another and based on this poll our feelings for ourselves. The fact that every single one of us does not shout “YES!” when asked if we would let our future self go down on us is a sad reflection of what we think the future holds for healthcare, education, science programs and equality in our nation. If we can’t be confident enough in the United States of America’s ability to provide healthcare affordable enough that all of our futures include a healthy and attractive body to visit the southern regions, an America with an education system that promotes self worth and love, science programs that make this scenario less hypothetical and more realistic or provide an environment where people of any race, religion, socio-economic background, mental health, gender or sexual orientation feel confident in who they are and comfortable enough with themselves that they feel excited about letting their time traveling clone go to work downstairs then I think we are in far more trouble than we realized.

The moral of the story is that we need to vote, for the best interest of ourselves and upholding the important things we hold dear to each of us. You should be number one on your list all the time, you’re great. The other important part to realize is that this was just another perfect example of how my freedom of speech allowed me to use something so ridiculous to force my positive thoughts on you. I love you and it’s okay if you don’t like it. Here are two things you can do to help you get to “I love myself so  much I would go down on myself” levels of thinking:

Mellowing Out with Monica – November Meditation

listen to the HugLife Podcast (huglifepodcast.com) and buy a You’re Great shirt to remind yourself 🙂 Get it here.

youre-great-red

 

Well That’s Debatable – A Presidential #2

By

On October 10, 2016

In Blog Entry

Yes. The title is a poop joke. I figured it was necessary to set the tone for this short recap with the level of maturity we are dealing with. The second of the Presidential Debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is over and I will quickly give you the most important and ridiculous things that you missed. I am sincerely hoping you missed it because it was painful and I wish that pain on no human.

The Trump Tapes

We jumped right in. The first question was pertaining to the tape released Friday of Donald Trump saying some terrible things about women. If you haven’t heard it he basically said he kisses ladies without even asking and because he is a star he can do whatever he wants, ‘grab them by the pussy, anything.’ He apologized but he did take quite a dance when pressed about if he thought it was okay to treat women that way or if he had actually done those things. Anderson Cooper made an effort to illustrate that the things he said would be sexual assault. Trump passed it off as “locker room talk.” Be glad you didn’t watch it as this part grouped all men into being hate filled sexual deviants and made any vagina that was watching physically close up.

The impressive part of him not really denouncing what he said was that he was still able to work ISIS into this. In short he said he was sorry but ISIS is cutting people’s heads off so your pussies are for grabbing.

Mr. Clinton

Yes, the former President. In an attempt to redirect the heat from the tape, Trump held a conference with the “Bill Clinton Accusers” before the debate and then brought three women who had accused Mr. Clinton of sexual misconduct to the debate and sat them with the Trump family. Something he had threatened previously with the Gennifer Flowers rumor last debate. Although as humans we should be seriously concerned for any type of unwanted sexual conduct this was the equivalent of being in a fight and then saying “well my dad is rich.” Which no one is surprised Donald would do. She basically said it wasn’t true but really wanted to move forward to a topic that she would have been involved in. What Trump doesn’t realize is by continually bringing this up he is just putting Bill’s dick back in places it shouldn’t be. Which is exactly where he likes it.

Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz

There is a little leniency for the other moderators as they were definitely thrown into a fire storm all alone wearing flammable clothing but these two did by far the best. I would assume they were prepared for what was going to happen but I think anyone watching appreciated them really telling each candidate when their time was up (and it was up a lot) as well as multiple rephrasing or reiterating what the questions were about and how, usually Don, hadn’t answered them.  They pressed on some of the issues we are tired of hearing about and wanted the candidates to really answer the questions as well as stop fucking interrupting each other and the moderators. If I could vote for and Anderson – Raddatz ticket, I would.

Audience

It was the Town Hall meeting style debate where some undecided voters were able to ask questions directly to the candidates and the moderators could follow up as well. Not until the end of the debate did we get three questions that I thought were really going to bring some new discussions and answers. First, a woman asked about the Supreme Court vacancy and wanted to know what their thoughts were for that (Trump wants a Scalia cut out and Clinton wants someone who will uphold marriage equality and Roe v. Wade).

Then, Ken Bone – who everyone now wants to bone – asked a very pointed question about what happens next in the way of renewable energy sources while maintaining the jobs that some fossil fuel usage provide. Trump said we found more oil and coal, so he would stay focused on using those resources. Clinton said she sees renewable energy sources as the steps to take for the future and that she wants to bridge a movement between fossil fuels, natural gases and renewable energy and that those things will create jobs. I haven’t herd them talk about that much and I think the environment needs to be more central to this election. Way to go Ken.

Finally, Carl got to sneak one last question in and asked each candidate to say something they liked about the other. My HugLife ears perked right up, I want Carl on the podcast. I thought it was great. Hillary said Trump’s children were cool so he must have done something right with them, it was moderately backhanded. He said that Hillary is a fighter and won’t ever give up. It was actually kind of nice to see them say something that wasn’t terrible about the other one. Carl wins in my eyes.

The Bullet Points

A few other things happened that were enjoyable and by enjoyable I mean bearable.

  • Trump said something directly contradicting something his running mate Mike Pence said in the Vice Presidential Debate. Trump basically said he was wrong, Pence is pissed.
  • They did not shake hands at the beginning. It was awkward and tense and started everything out on the edge. I assume she didn’t want him to grab her pussy.
  • Russia. Trump said he didn’t know anything about Russia and then he said he did and it fostered this tweet that I am extremely proud of:

Overall if you love the juicy, catty, gossip and feeling like your parents are fighting at your birthday party you missed out! If you wanted to hear more about the policies and election topics there were a few new things that came in based on the audience questions but it was a lot of the same stuff and mostly sassy. No one actually said the P word though. I watched it for you and now I have to go eat a block of cheese or something.

Image result for Mad parents gif

Well That’s Debatable – The Unbiased Highlights from Debate #1

By

On September 27, 2016

In Blog Entry

If you are like me, you do genuinely want what’s best for the future of the United States and the world. When it comes to the 2016 Presidential Election however, you are well aware of how ridiculous this political clown train (bigger than a clown car) has gotten and are looking for some fun highlights. We like sports and we like things simple because we are dumb. Here are the Debate Center Top Plays of the night! Amurica.

Some of you may be concerned because I have a history of laying left and I’m sure both sides are frustrated with the candidate bashing today but fear not. Whoever you are voting for, whoever you hate, whatever insecurities you are burying with anger toward politicians, throw them out the window. Here are the top 5 highlighted takeaways of the first presidential debate, no matter who you are:

debate1

1. Cat fight

It has been deemed one of the “fiercest” debates to date and I like fierce. There is so much pent up frustration and angst for both of these presidential candidates. No matter who you support you had to be ready for Mr. Donald Trump to talk the same way he has and interrupt everyone like the Republican Debates. What we did not expect was Hillary to get in there with some personal jabs too! Trump is not afraid to cut you off when he thinks you are saying something incorrect (or just disparaging) but for Hillary to slide in some comments and attacks about the economy being “Trump’d up” or him “living in his own reality” really increased the entertainment value of the whole thing and that’s what we Americans are into. Calm down ladies, it’s only the first round!

2. Wrong!

Any experience can be a learning experience and last night I learned if you don’t agree with something people are saying, you can just yell ‘wrong!’ or ‘no’ over them while they try and finish their statement. At the very least just shake your head hard enough or make faces that let the audience know whatever your opponent is saying, you disagree with. There is a value to this in regular life, if ever in an argument from now on I will just shake my head violently enough that I can’t even hear what bullshit they are telling me (because like you, I am always right) and move on accordingly.

They both did it.

3. First Gentleman

There are some people who really don’t like Bill Clinton, for the various reasons available that might lead one to that opinion. We just recently had some issues with Hillary’s health and questions about her being helped into a car when she looked like she was fainting. Well, ease your mind. If you don’t want Hillary because you don’t want to have Bill around again OR you are a Trump supporter you may be in luck, Bill looks like he is dying. If you haven’t been able to see any of the coverage lately Google will auto-fill “Bill Clinton…” with “has AIDS” so clearly his health is in question.

4. Lack of Sexuality

Luckily, for most Americans there were few jabs taken about looks or relationship histories. Hillary did touch on some of Trump’s treatment of women in the past but only on a broad level, nothing about his family. He only really attacked Bill as a president and not as a family man. No mention of his immigrant wife or multiple divorces and nothing about her husband’s infidelities or women of the past. She even wore a full red pants suit to divert any thoughts of a blue dress. I appreciated that but there is part of me that thinks maybe they are saving it up for another time.

5. Income Tax

No matter how you feel about Trump withholding his tax information, the controversy was on the table last night. Trump’s reasoning has been that he is being audited and cannot release them. We should all appreciate Lester Holt’s pressing of the issue and saying that he is definitely able to give that information during the audit. It seems it is another silly thing we are hung up on that is a simple fix of just sharing that information. However, the best part of this question was when Hillary called him out for not having paid his income taxes he interrupted her to say that he did not pay them because he is smart. Amazing. If you weren’t excited by that, you’re the robot. Smart people don’t have to pay income tax, I’m on board with that Don. Income tax might be the bane of most people’s existence, but our employers have to comply with the law, so there’s no use in us getting overly upset about it. In fact, we should feel some sympathy for those involved in sorting out the company payroll as it’s quite a gruelling task, certainly not one that I’d fancy giving a go. However, many businesses have been making use of what is known as an HRIS tool which streamlines the workload for those in human resources and helps to curtail the feeling of drowning in paperwork. It’s a wonder we ever did without it in business!
jedi-kitties

Those were the Top 5 highlights from the first 2016 Presidential Debate. I put a lot of effort into the unbiased part. If you didn’t watch the debates, good on you and now you know the most important parts that you missed. It is about entertainment, Bernie! It’s not about hope anymore so let’s get something out of it.

This debate was brought to you by Cocaine and Water: Cocaine and Water, it’s tremendous!

Also by Pant Suits: Pants Suits, cause you’re a lady.

Thank you for reading another silly article at monicanevi.com! A BUNCH OF EXCITING STUFF IS HAPPENING SOON! SIGN UP FOR MY E-MAIL LIST TO GET THE NEWS EARLY AND SPECIAL DEALS 🙂

I love you. We are going to be okay.

Would You Rather? Bernie v.s. Hilary

By

On June 7, 2016

In Blog Entry

On the eve of the very important California Democratic Primary, this might be the last time it is relevant to play one of my favorite games with these two candidates. I love the game Would You Rather, it’s like politics for dumb people. You take two scenarios of which you HAVE to choose one them, no other way out. It is like a litmus test, exactly like that. So let’s take a stroll through this last stretch together and talk about the things that WE care about when it comes to these candidates.

So… Who Would You Rather:

hillary_clinton_bernie_sanders

Go to an NBA Finals Game With

Election year during the greatest season a team has had, possibly ever, makes basketball more important this year than in any other election. AND the last important place they need votes from happens to be the golden land of the warriors that are fighting that battle. So this is a far more important question than you are giving it credit for. Both can pander to those fans and whoever wins the nomination can definitely use it in November. “You guys got robbed” or “take Steph’s team away and he’s nothing, Lebron carries that team” or “of course Lebron is good, he’s huge. Try being a little guy and still be one of the most well-rounded, greatest shooters of all time”… depending on the outcome.

Now I know some of you are thinking Bernie was at a Western Conference Finals game! Of course you want to go with him! No. I am a basketball purist, I need no one with me, especially some dude in a suit “sitting with the American people” not sporting a team in a sea of yellow. I stand up and clap when I watch games at home, I don’t need to sit in the middle of everyone to feel it. So this is why I chose the richer, non-sports fan candidate. If you’re a sports fan, you have attended many games in the nose bleeds, in the cold/rain (Seattle), in the heat just so you can be there with your team. I am all too familiar, I am women’s basketball fan, we go to games when no one else is there. So if I get to chose who I go with!?!? Of course I pick Hillary because she is the outsider, she will do everything she can to be comfortable (box seats), she wants everyone to like her and feels she is making up for mistakes (free drinks), she loves it when you are happy to the point where no matter how much she hates the game or you (Bill) she won’t leave until you want to go and she wants to promote her solidarity so now we have matching jerseys she purchased.

Hillary.

Be Friends with a Movie Character by Their Name

I am a Christmas freak. Love the time of year, love the holiday, not religious. I listened to Christmas music on my drive to and from San Diego yesterday, which is just where I happened to be driving as I usually listen to it no matter where I am going. One of the classic Christmas movies I enjoy is The Santa Claus. Tim Allen getting fat and becoming Santa while also still being a little bit perverted, tis the season. If you remember correctly Bernard is the name of the head elf at the North Pole. Bernard doesn’t take any shit and OBVIOUSLY runs a tight ship, since Christmas gets done every year in that movie. I’m in. Bernard and I could take over the world together.

Maybe you are not a Christmas person, celebrate something else during that time or just don’t buy in. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Boom, rich guy, awesome party house, doesn’t talk too much. Sure he was going to have the main characters killed in the beginning but that didn’t work out so now it’s just a good time. His arms move oddly similar to those of Bernie Sanders as well.

Hillary Whitney Essex from Beaches. Although there are some striking similarities between this character and the real Hillary (rich girl, two ladies going for the same man, etc.) I don’t think we would work. I do struggle to find common ground with people who comes from very rich backgrounds and although she does end up cherishing a friendship with a struggling entertainer like myself it is still a lot of turbulence in the process and I don’t need that.

Bernie.

Have Sex with

Although I am pretty confident both have eaten a box before this is a tough question and I suppose really depends on what you are into. For example, Bernie seems a little more loving, maybe more generous, you tell him what you want and he does it. I dare say he has been with a diverse group of ladies in his day and has respected each of them accordingly. I do see him checking in a lot “are you ok? is this allowed? let’s just check on the consent here” which can be kind of annoying but necessary. He is not concerned about his on orgasm, more about you. However, I am a no-pain for the pleasure type of girl, so this works for me.

Hillary seems like more of boss in the sheets. She’ll tell you how this is going to go and tell you how you are going to like it. People are into that, if she can throw you around she will. I will go so far as to say her and Bill are possibly into some kinky stuff, bringing things into the bedroom or other people maybe. We are aware she keeps hot sauce in her bag, so we know she can take a dick. Regardless if you pick Hillary for your bang sesh prez, Bill will be watching.

I think sex is too subjective and dependent on what you are into or feeling like that day. Therefore I can’t make this call for you. If only we chose a candidate based on their performance in a threesome. But for me-

Bernie.

Beach Volleyball Partner

I want to go Hillary initially because she is a little more squatty and in control of her extremities like any good setter should be. Good solid base and a proportional limbs, I like that in a volleyball partner. Also, her competitive nature seems to stay consistent and in any sport that is important, consistent play from start to finish. You can knock her down and read her e-mails but she will get back up and keep playing. She will never give up no matter what the margin is and she lights that fire under her teammates as well.

Bernie on the other hand is a little bit lankier of an athlete, which in Volleyball can prove helpful. Getting over the net. As neither of these candidates can probably jump anymore his reach would be extremely important for us. Also, we have seen his endurance, stamina and commitment to finishing what he has started. I love that. I feel Bernie might be a little bit more of team player and support me in my play which ultimately helps our whole team rise up. But-

Hillary.

Have as a Parent

Luckily (maybe), for this one we have some examples of how we might turn out if these people were our parents. Their children. Now, we do have a little more to looks at on the Sanders side of things as he does have four kids to Hillary’s one. We are also far more familiar with Chelsea as she has been around just as long at Billary has.

I enjoyed my childhood life with my parents but I much rather have a strong relationship with them as an adult as that is what we all spend the most time doing with them. My parents are awesome to hang out with, I bring them everywhere I can. I would want my President parent to be the same. So who would you rather hang out with? Who can you bring around the in-laws? Who is going to help you when you make mistakes or need support? Who is still going to be tough enough to straighten you up but not too tough so you hate them? Great questions.

I think Chelsea turned out pretty great, especially given that she grew up in the political lime-light her whole life. Formerly a correspondent for NBC and now taking on an important role in the Clinton non-profit foundation. Boom, I’m in. That sounds like a great life. Maybe I am looking past Hillary specifically here as Bill seems like he might be the one you want to ask to go out because mom will say no. Bill seems like the one who lets you have beer at Thanksgiving but you can’t tell mom. Also, you get to hang out with Uncle Rog and he seems like a party but that is still dad’s side. Although we have heard Hillary indulges in the alcohol sometimes I do still feel like she might be a little bit of an uptight, helicopter mom.

Bernie is ready to deal with the adversity that the modern family can bring and I like that. He has four kids, none of which are actually from him and his wife. She had three before their marriage but Bernie considers them his children. As well as his son from his first marriage. This gives us insight into his ability to manage a big household, accept people in his life and embrace their relationships no matter how complicated the beginning. Therefore, you would feel most comfortable bringing people home to this parent, he will love whoever you love. Also, he would totally smoke pot with you when the family gather got overwhelming. Senator Cool Dad.

Bernie.

Based on all these questions I would vote for Bernie. I already voted in Washington though, so none of this matters. I just wanted to get your minds turning about the REAL issues at hand in this election. So pick what’s most important to you -sex, basketball, your volleyball league- and make your decision. Go vote tomorrow if you are in California. Regardless of what happens, I am picking the Democrat in November but you get to decide who beats that moldy orange. Let’s see what more than 50% of the country think and actually get out and vote this time and in November.

This election is one big game of Marry, Fuck, Kill.

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