Monica Nevi

Comedian

Tag: Politics

These Kids Are Badass [For Their Lives]

It’s been a couple weeks since these badass kids and many others who support them marched for their lives. Which is why I want to say something about it now, so that maybe we won’t wait until more of them are dead to be reminded.

I wasn’t able to march that day, although going to protests has become a hobby of mine in the last year and a half. I was on a bus from Spokane to Seattle trying to map out the decisions I had made to lead to that situation. As we picked up a couple passengers from the Wenatchee jail to take them home to Everett, there were these kids all over the country making so much noise. Making enough noise to make me go “oh shit.” These kids are badass. When I say kids, I mean it. 11-year olds out here giving better speeches than Toast Masters will ever teach you. They have been pushed to the edge and now they are pushing back. I personally think it’s great, if you do not agree with what they are saying that’s fine, this isn’t meant to be divisive, although pretty much all words are divisive right now. I do think that whoever you are or whatever you agree with, you should be well aware of how badass these kids are because they are in control now. Their cute signs that rhyme about how they are going to be able to vote soon are more than cute, that shit is real.

March For Your Life 

I was never this badass but in school we always enjoyed the idea of standing up for what was right. Nowhere near the levels of badassery these kids out here are working with but we liked pushing back. My junior and senior year in high school myself and a few friends never stood for the pledge of allegiance (yeah, we started that shit) because not everyone could get married. One full school assembly my entire class sat down during it and they made everyone do it again. The second time half of our class got up, but we didn’t. I know what you are thinking “what was that going to do?” nothing. “That is not a big enough group of people to do anything” sure wasn’t. “That’s disrespectful and I’m sure your teachers hated it” well… that’s debatable. What did happen though was that Washington state, where I am from, passed weed and gay marriage with flying rainbow colors as soon as we could vote. Then the whole country did it as well. So I’m not afraid of the noise these kids are making, I’m surrendering to their cause because a combination of my generation and theirs will be in charge real soon.

The older group of voters and politicians is dying and what is left is my generation, the ever-liberal millennial, these badass kids coming up and the parents who raised both of those groups to be how they are now. Us millennials, we really are lazy but maybe that has just been because we know we have little to offer compared to these little savage hearts. We mean well and we can get on board with stuff very easily.

March For Our Lives

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s not only their ability and willingness to organize and actually stand up against something at a young age but goodness they are fierce. They have had to experience going to a potential war zone everyday of their lives. When I was a kid (wasn’t that long ago, 10-year reunion this year) we had lock down drills, if someone came into the building with a gun we locked down. I was in two actual lockdowns that were from shootings near the school but not at the school and another that ended up being construction noise from nearby. Never once did they tell us what to do if someone ran into the room with a gun and I’m sure it never crossed their minds to explain to us what to do if the person sitting next to us opened fire. Cut to my work with kids only a few years later when once a month we went through each kind of lockdown drill as well as at least 15-minutes of explaining and then answering questions about what to do if someone is in the room with us with a gun, which ways to run and why that would ever happen. Those are the kids that are marching now, the ones who have had to think about that everyday of their education and the ones who will have to think about it everyday for the rest of their lives.

These are the kids that were subjected to the terror of a military grade assault rifle and will now cope with military grade PTSD, forever. We were always told we were safe at school, that was where we could feel protected and part of something, even if we didn’t have that feeling at home. The same place these kids have had to watch their friends get murdered next to them. When these teenagers are saying enough is enough,  they mean it. And somehow, after all of this, they are doing it with such grace and class, I’m just in awe.

If you need to know my particular stance on guns, it’s very simple: I don’t get it. To the very base level of it, I don’t understand it. I can’t wrap my head around wanting one because I don’t get the protection piece, the hunting piece, the military piece, it just doesn’t resonate with me to want to have that power or to kill anything. So, I don’t argue about it or think you need to change your opinion, I just literally have very little to contribute to the conversation because I can’t even get there. I’ll play a Big Buck Hunter if asked but that’s about it.

These kids out here asking for compromise, being very understanding and trying to move forward to start a dialogue about what we can do to make this better, not lashing out irrationally. This is the exact moment I stop calling them kids. These people are badass. Far more mature and in tune with what they are doing than anyone else in a public light right now. If you still are confused, I’m talking about the Emma Gonzalez, Sam Fuentes, Naomi Wadler and all the other  young activists that stood up at this march and others like it. And all these little badasses that will keep standing up from here on out.

If you haven’t watched their speeches you should, it will make you question what the hell you have been doing your whole life. Sam Fuentes is my hero, she was a victim in the Parkland shooting, sustaining injuries and having shrapnel in her body. She spoke at the March For Our Lives rally in Washington D.C. and she performed this badass poem. A fierce poem, literally from someone who was in this shooting and half way through she throws up on stage, comments on it AND THEN FINISHES READING THE POEM. That’s the baddest fucking thing I have ever seen. I forget one word in a joke and give up on it.

In conclusion, no matter how you feel about the situation these kids deserve to be listened to, taken seriously and not forgotten. Most importantly if we don’t do that, it doesn’t really matter… these G.I. Jane, activist prodigy, keep going after vomiting on stage badasses are in control now. We are in the future, I think we have to deal with it.

This is Sam’s Speech, worth checking out.

The Most Concerning Poll Results this ENTIRE Election!

The media tells us something different about the 2016 Presidential Election everyday. Clinton is winning today but Trump is winning tomorrow. The only information scarier than what the media is reporting is what they are not. There are things going on in our country and on an individual level that we are ignoring. Everyday our overall lack of self-awareness, the presence of self-hate and our inherent ability to just be mean to ourselves and one another are marching us closer to the end of times.debate1

At this point you are wondering what I am talking about. A week ago I took it upon myself to start a twitter poll asking one of the most important questions asked this year. The poll and results brought up some tremendous concerns on literal and figurative levels.

The Question

If time travel was possible and a future version of yourself returned to your current self and offered to go down on you, would you do it?

The Results:
twitter-poll
It was a tight race most of the time. Yes was up for quite awhile. Then No. Then Yes. Then No.

The Concern

First of all, there is a right answer. It is yes. The concern with the majority ending up swaying to the no side is that there is a blatant lack of self-love happening. If we can’t even love ourselves, how are we supposed to love anyone else? I have always said, why would I expect anyone else to want to have a box lunch or have sex with me if I wouldn’t consider it myself? Think about the product you are putting out there before criticizing other people for not wanting it. If you are confident in yourself, they will be drawn to you. Secondly, you don’t have to tell anyone. Even if you were embarrassed by kneeling at your own altar, which you shouldn’t be, you could 100% keep it a secret. I can’t even tell who voted for what on twitter unless you added a clever disclaimer. My initial thought is if you are afraid to say yes for some feeling of shame, there is probably another list of things you are hiding. Finally, since it is hypothetical at this point you get to pick what version of yourself it is. You can get your shit together, you can be the body type or personality type you want to be and then be rewarded for the work you have yet to put into that body. If you are having issues with your own confidence you get to make your future self who you want to be, which is a fun exercise. What can you add to your life to allow yourself time travel self pleasure?

Great Points by Voters

Much like the election, the poll led to some points that I hadn’t even thought of from both sides. Some had concerns about what their future self might look like:

Although I had not considered that, I figured it is a hypothetical and you can make yourself as hot as you want. Which brings us back to the original point of lacking self worth. You can make your body however you want it in a fantasy, the second guy wanted a bigger version of himself. You get to chose how hot you are but your negative thoughts about yourself aren’t allowing you to do that. Others nailed this part:

I didn’t necessarily mean for it to be a divisive question and was honestly prepared for people to be full of humor and self love and say yes. However, some people were just as appalled as I was and let us know their reasons:

The Flaws

There are a few flaws in the process:

  1. Small voter turnout. It is a known political science statistic that results stop varying after a sample size of 1,200 votes are taken, which was well off from 53 voters in this poll.
  2. Voter requirements. Although advertised on other social media outlets, the voter must have had a twitter account to be able to participate in the poll, leaving many unable to vote.
  3. Potential voter fraud. There was one conservative voter than was very unhappy with the idea that people may want to say yes to themselves and after leaving the polling headquarters to go hang out with a group of registered but uncounted voters the numbers jumped up on the no side.

I am not saying the results would be different had these flaws been addressed but it may be worth trying again.

The Election

What does this have to do with current Presidential Election that will wrap up in just a matter of days? So much. We have spent the last year compiling reasons why we hate each of the candidates and letting those drops of hatred creep into our feelings for one another and based on this poll our feelings for ourselves. The fact that every single one of us does not shout “YES!” when asked if we would let our future self go down on us is a sad reflection of what we think the future holds for healthcare, education, science programs and equality in our nation. If we can’t be confident enough in the United States of America’s ability to provide healthcare affordable enough that all of our futures include a healthy and attractive body to visit the southern regions, an America with an education system that promotes self worth and love, science programs that make this scenario less hypothetical and more realistic or provide an environment where people of any race, religion, socio-economic background, mental health, gender or sexual orientation feel confident in who they are and comfortable enough with themselves that they feel excited about letting their time traveling clone go to work downstairs then I think we are in far more trouble than we realized.

The moral of the story is that we need to vote, for the best interest of ourselves and upholding the important things we hold dear to each of us. You should be number one on your list all the time, you’re great. The other important part to realize is that this was just another perfect example of how my freedom of speech allowed me to use something so ridiculous to force my positive thoughts on you. I love you and it’s okay if you don’t like it. Here are two things you can do to help you get to “I love myself so  much I would go down on myself” levels of thinking:

Mellowing Out with Monica – November Meditation

listen to the HugLife Podcast (huglifepodcast.com) and buy a You’re Great shirt to remind yourself 🙂 Get it here.

youre-great-red

 

Well That’s Debatable – A Presidential #2

Yes. The title is a poop joke. I figured it was necessary to set the tone for this short recap with the level of maturity we are dealing with. The second of the Presidential Debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is over and I will quickly give you the most important and ridiculous things that you missed. I am sincerely hoping you missed it because it was painful and I wish that pain on no human.

The Trump Tapes

We jumped right in. The first question was pertaining to the tape released Friday of Donald Trump saying some terrible things about women. If you haven’t heard it he basically said he kisses ladies without even asking and because he is a star he can do whatever he wants, ‘grab them by the pussy, anything.’ He apologized but he did take quite a dance when pressed about if he thought it was okay to treat women that way or if he had actually done those things. Anderson Cooper made an effort to illustrate that the things he said would be sexual assault. Trump passed it off as “locker room talk.” Be glad you didn’t watch it as this part grouped all men into being hate filled sexual deviants and made any vagina that was watching physically close up.

The impressive part of him not really denouncing what he said was that he was still able to work ISIS into this. In short he said he was sorry but ISIS is cutting people’s heads off so your pussies are for grabbing.

Mr. Clinton

Yes, the former President. In an attempt to redirect the heat from the tape, Trump held a conference with the “Bill Clinton Accusers” before the debate and then brought three women who had accused Mr. Clinton of sexual misconduct to the debate and sat them with the Trump family. Something he had threatened previously with the Gennifer Flowers rumor last debate. Although as humans we should be seriously concerned for any type of unwanted sexual conduct this was the equivalent of being in a fight and then saying “well my dad is rich.” Which no one is surprised Donald would do. She basically said it wasn’t true but really wanted to move forward to a topic that she would have been involved in. What Trump doesn’t realize is by continually bringing this up he is just putting Bill’s dick back in places it shouldn’t be. Which is exactly where he likes it.

Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz

There is a little leniency for the other moderators as they were definitely thrown into a fire storm all alone wearing flammable clothing but these two did by far the best. I would assume they were prepared for what was going to happen but I think anyone watching appreciated them really telling each candidate when their time was up (and it was up a lot) as well as multiple rephrasing or reiterating what the questions were about and how, usually Don, hadn’t answered them.  They pressed on some of the issues we are tired of hearing about and wanted the candidates to really answer the questions as well as stop fucking interrupting each other and the moderators. If I could vote for and Anderson – Raddatz ticket, I would.

Audience

It was the Town Hall meeting style debate where some undecided voters were able to ask questions directly to the candidates and the moderators could follow up as well. Not until the end of the debate did we get three questions that I thought were really going to bring some new discussions and answers. First, a woman asked about the Supreme Court vacancy and wanted to know what their thoughts were for that (Trump wants a Scalia cut out and Clinton wants someone who will uphold marriage equality and Roe v. Wade).

Then, Ken Bone – who everyone now wants to bone – asked a very pointed question about what happens next in the way of renewable energy sources while maintaining the jobs that some fossil fuel usage provide. Trump said we found more oil and coal, so he would stay focused on using those resources. Clinton said she sees renewable energy sources as the steps to take for the future and that she wants to bridge a movement between fossil fuels, natural gases and renewable energy and that those things will create jobs. I haven’t herd them talk about that much and I think the environment needs to be more central to this election. Way to go Ken.

Finally, Carl got to sneak one last question in and asked each candidate to say something they liked about the other. My HugLife ears perked right up, I want Carl on the podcast. I thought it was great. Hillary said Trump’s children were cool so he must have done something right with them, it was moderately backhanded. He said that Hillary is a fighter and won’t ever give up. It was actually kind of nice to see them say something that wasn’t terrible about the other one. Carl wins in my eyes.

The Bullet Points

A few other things happened that were enjoyable and by enjoyable I mean bearable.

  • Trump said something directly contradicting something his running mate Mike Pence said in the Vice Presidential Debate. Trump basically said he was wrong, Pence is pissed.
  • They did not shake hands at the beginning. It was awkward and tense and started everything out on the edge. I assume she didn’t want him to grab her pussy.
  • Russia. Trump said he didn’t know anything about Russia and then he said he did and it fostered this tweet that I am extremely proud of:

Overall if you love the juicy, catty, gossip and feeling like your parents are fighting at your birthday party you missed out! If you wanted to hear more about the policies and election topics there were a few new things that came in based on the audience questions but it was a lot of the same stuff and mostly sassy. No one actually said the P word though. I watched it for you and now I have to go eat a block of cheese or something.

Image result for Mad parents gif

Well That’s Debatable – Virginia Vice

If you did not have the time or emotional strength to make it through the Vice Presidential debate between Governor Mike Pence and Senator Tim Kaine you should feel confident that no one blames you. Also, don’t worry I watched it for you and I think I have crafted a literary experience that will take through similar emotions in a shorter amount of time.

Come with me on a quick journey through the awkward and at times confusing experience that was the Vice Presidential Debate. In order to illustrate this I have written a short story which both you and I are involved in.

The Setting

Imagine we are friends. We’re young, extremely attractive and dragged to a dinner party in a neighborhood far above my parents living wages but they said we had to go along. We arrive at a nice house but there are few other people our age there. Immediately when we enter the house there is an palpable strain, as if everyone knows something very tense that we do not, like something had happened before. This is where our story begins.

The Beginning

We enter the house with my parents. The owner of the house, Elaine, greets us cheerfully and takes our coats. Although she comes off very friendly and beautiful there is a nervous aura to her actions. We turn to each other with a look that says ‘shit is about to go down.’ We enter the kitchen on our path to the main party area but instead of following my parents we tell them we are going to check out the food situation and we will meet them out there. Here is where we find our spirit guide in this journey, my drunk aunt that tells it exactly like it is.

We were right, some shit had gone down. DJ Cool Dad (Tim Kaine) and Papa (Mike Pence) are about to go head to head. The tension is so high because only a week ago, DJ Cool Dad slept with Papa’s wife and he won’t stop smiling about it. He arrived at the party on his high horse, feeling confident because his link to this woman has given him more power than he could have imagined. Everyone is attempting to navigating around the inevitable explosions. As the guests gather in the living room we are not sure what is going to happen but we have a moderate feeling it could be interesting.

The Battle

You and I finally enter living room area and find a seat where we can get a good look at DJ Cool Dad and Papa, as they have now sat at the same table. Elaine is in between them, seemingly ready to get a civil conversation started. We know that Elaine has not been the subject of any of their sexual escapades… yet.

As the conversation gets started it seems rehearsed and polished, as if they knew the other was going to be there. However, as the answers get longer, the sassy retorts get less and less subtle. A couple jokes about Papa’s boss’s former job on a reality show, fun at first but we are both ready for someone to dig deeper. This is the only thing that is supposed to keep our attention at this party and we have yet to be impressed.

The enjoyable part about Papa is although he is supposed to be on the receiving end of this beating he stayed very calm, actually setting the stage for DJ Cool Dad to come off as annoying and over-zealous. Now we are feeling irritated by the whole thing. Nothing too juicy is really surfacing, we heard a lot of this from my aunt in the kitchen over and over because she is drunk. The reality of the snide remarks and the facial expressions keep us interested. DJ Cool Dad has impeccable side eye and Papa’s calm demeanor let’s him stay unfazed even though the history of his situation has left him digging out of a hole. Maybe he is drunk? Maybe he doesn’t know all the information about what is going on? Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t actually care?

As the argument gets heated and DJ Cool Dad gets more and more annoying we begin to get the feeling that although calm, Papa has been involved in some real questionable shit in his past. There are some very catty exchanges, they continually interrupt each other as they lay down the attacks on each other. It holds our attention because we are afraid of missing something epic but the meat of it all is stuff my drunk aunt has known for weeks. It’s getting annoying but there are a few moments where you, me and the other onlookers are like: ooooo-andy

The Aftermath

To end the whole argument we finally get to hear what we think might be a pointed question to the two men involved. We are excited at the potential to hear how they feel about a topic sans references to outside influences. Elaine leans in and asks about their faith and what that means for the whole situation they are in. Cheating? Supporting war? Lying? No let’s get involved in the decisions that women should or should not be able to make. Then DJ Cool Dad comes in with a mic droppers and says “hey Papa, why don’t you trust women?” OOOOOOOOO. You and I back out like: hands-up

The Summary

Honestly, reading that story was way more fun than what actually happened. They talked a lot about the terrible things each of their running mates had done, very little about their backgrounds and what they might bring to the table and gave us an insight into whatever their annoying tendencies might be. Nobody really did anything. Tim Kaine proved capable and qualified enough to be a sidekick and Mike Pence proved to be supportive enough of Trump’s crazy all while bringing a very balancing temperament.

The most interesting and intense part was the faith based talk about abortions. Tim Kaine said the very quotable “why don’t you trust women” and Mike Pence actually made sense when he said “if you are going to be pro-life you have to be pro-adoption.” Other than that nothing new really happened but you could get a fair idea of what we are getting attitude-wise from each Vice Presidential candidate.

At the end of our story we sneak off with the bottle of champagne my aunt passed out next to and becomes best friends while hiding our slight buzz from my parents. The general tension of the party has already subsided and we forgot why we were interested in the first place.

Moral of the story is Tim Kaine seems like a dad who is doing too much and Mike Pence seems like he would make all children call him Papa.

Wanna see me high on stage watch this:

Well That’s Debatable – The Unbiased Highlights from Debate #1

If you are like me, you do genuinely want what’s best for the future of the United States and the world. When it comes to the 2016 Presidential Election however, you are well aware of how ridiculous this political clown train (bigger than a clown car) has gotten and are looking for some fun highlights. We like sports and we like things simple because we are dumb. Here are the Debate Center Top Plays of the night! Amurica.

Some of you may be concerned because I have a history of laying left and I’m sure both sides are frustrated with the candidate bashing today but fear not. Whoever you are voting for, whoever you hate, whatever insecurities you are burying with anger toward politicians, throw them out the window. Here are the top 5 highlighted takeaways of the first presidential debate, no matter who you are:

debate1

1. Cat fight

It has been deemed one of the “fiercest” debates to date and I like fierce. There is so much pent up frustration and angst for both of these presidential candidates. No matter who you support you had to be ready for Mr. Donald Trump to talk the same way he has and interrupt everyone like the Republican Debates. What we did not expect was Hillary to get in there with some personal jabs too! Trump is not afraid to cut you off when he thinks you are saying something incorrect (or just disparaging) but for Hillary to slide in some comments and attacks about the economy being “Trump’d up” or him “living in his own reality” really increased the entertainment value of the whole thing and that’s what we Americans are into. Calm down ladies, it’s only the first round!

2. Wrong!

Any experience can be a learning experience and last night I learned if you don’t agree with something people are saying, you can just yell ‘wrong!’ or ‘no’ over them while they try and finish their statement. At the very least just shake your head hard enough or make faces that let the audience know whatever your opponent is saying, you disagree with. There is a value to this in regular life, if ever in an argument from now on I will just shake my head violently enough that I can’t even hear what bullshit they are telling me (because like you, I am always right) and move on accordingly.

They both did it.

3. First Gentleman

There are some people who really don’t like Bill Clinton, for the various reasons available that might lead one to that opinion. We just recently had some issues with Hillary’s health and questions about her being helped into a car when she looked like she was fainting. Well, ease your mind. If you don’t want Hillary because you don’t want to have Bill around again OR you are a Trump supporter you may be in luck, Bill looks like he is dying. If you haven’t been able to see any of the coverage lately Google will auto-fill “Bill Clinton…” with “has AIDS” so clearly his health is in question.

4. Lack of Sexuality

Luckily, for most Americans there were few jabs taken about looks or relationship histories. Hillary did touch on some of Trump’s treatment of women in the past but only on a broad level, nothing about his family. He only really attacked Bill as a president and not as a family man. No mention of his immigrant wife or multiple divorces and nothing about her husband’s infidelities or women of the past. She even wore a full red pants suit to divert any thoughts of a blue dress. I appreciated that but there is part of me that thinks maybe they are saving it up for another time.

5. Income Tax

No matter how you feel about Trump withholding his tax information, the controversy was on the table last night. Trump’s reasoning has been that he is being audited and cannot release them. We should all appreciate Lester Holt’s pressing of the issue and saying that he is definitely able to give that information during the audit. It seems it is another silly thing we are hung up on that is a simple fix of just sharing that information. However, the best part of this question was when Hillary called him out for not having paid his income taxes he interrupted her to say that he did not pay them because he is smart. Amazing. If you weren’t excited by that, you’re the robot. Smart people don’t have to pay income tax, I’m on board with that Don.

jedi-kitties

Those were the Top 5 highlights from the first 2016 Presidential Debate. I put a lot of effort into the unbiased part. If you didn’t watch the debates, good on you and now you know the most important parts that you missed. It is about entertainment, Bernie! It’s not about hope anymore so let’s get something out of it.

This debate was brought to you by Cocaine and Water: Cocaine and Water, it’s tremendous!

Also by Pant Suits: Pants Suits, cause you’re a lady.

Thank you for reading another silly article at monicanevi.com! A BUNCH OF EXCITING STUFF IS HAPPENING SOON! SIGN UP FOR MY E-MAIL LIST TO GET THE NEWS EARLY AND SPECIAL DEALS 🙂

I love you. We are going to be okay.

Would You Rather? Bernie v.s. Hilary

On the eve of the very important California Democratic Primary, this might be the last time it is relevant to play one of my favorite games with these two candidates. I love the game Would You Rather, it’s like politics for dumb people. You take two scenarios of which you HAVE to choose one them, no other way out. It is like a litmus test, exactly like that. So let’s take a stroll through this last stretch together and talk about the things that WE care about when it comes to these candidates.

So… Who Would You Rather:

hillary_clinton_bernie_sanders

Go to an NBA Finals Game With

Election year during the greatest season a team has had, possibly ever, makes basketball more important this year than in any other election. AND the last important place they need votes from happens to be the golden land of the warriors that are fighting that battle. So this is a far more important question than you are giving it credit for. Both can pander to those fans and whoever wins the nomination can definitely use it in November. “You guys got robbed” or “take Steph’s team away and he’s nothing, Lebron carries that team” or “of course Lebron is good, he’s huge. Try being a little guy and still be one of the most well-rounded, greatest shooters of all time”… depending on the outcome.

Now I know some of you are thinking Bernie was at a Western Conference Finals game! Of course you want to go with him! No. I am a basketball purist, I need no one with me, especially some dude in a suit “sitting with the American people” not sporting a team in a sea of yellow. I stand up and clap when I watch games at home, I don’t need to sit in the middle of everyone to feel it. So this is why I chose the richer, non-sports fan candidate. If you’re a sports fan, you have attended many games in the nose bleeds, in the cold/rain (Seattle), in the heat just so you can be there with your team. I am all too familiar, I am women’s basketball fan, we go to games when no one else is there. So if I get to chose who I go with!?!? Of course I pick Hillary because she is the outsider, she will do everything she can to be comfortable (box seats), she wants everyone to like her and feels she is making up for mistakes (free drinks), she loves it when you are happy to the point where no matter how much she hates the game or you (Bill) she won’t leave until you want to go and she wants to promote her solidarity so now we have matching jerseys she purchased.

Hillary.

Be Friends with a Movie Character by Their Name

I am a Christmas freak. Love the time of year, love the holiday, not religious. I listened to Christmas music on my drive to and from San Diego yesterday, which is just where I happened to be driving as I usually listen to it no matter where I am going. One of the classic Christmas movies I enjoy is The Santa Claus. Tim Allen getting fat and becoming Santa while also still being a little bit perverted, tis the season. If you remember correctly Bernard is the name of the head elf at the North Pole. Bernard doesn’t take any shit and OBVIOUSLY runs a tight ship, since Christmas gets done every year in that movie. I’m in. Bernard and I could take over the world together.

Maybe you are not a Christmas person, celebrate something else during that time or just don’t buy in. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Boom, rich guy, awesome party house, doesn’t talk too much. Sure he was going to have the main characters killed in the beginning but that didn’t work out so now it’s just a good time. His arms move oddly similar to those of Bernie Sanders as well.

Hillary Whitney Essex from Beaches. Although there are some striking similarities between this character and the real Hillary (rich girl, two ladies going for the same man, etc.) I don’t think we would work. I do struggle to find common ground with people who comes from very rich backgrounds and although she does end up cherishing a friendship with a struggling entertainer like myself it is still a lot of turbulence in the process and I don’t need that.

Bernie.

Have Sex with

Although I am pretty confident both have eaten a box before this is a tough question and I suppose really depends on what you are into. For example, Bernie seems a little more loving, maybe more generous, you tell him what you want and he does it. I dare say he has been with a diverse group of ladies in his day and has respected each of them accordingly. I do see him checking in a lot “are you ok? is this allowed? let’s just check on the consent here” which can be kind of annoying but necessary. He is not concerned about his on orgasm, more about you. However, I am a no-pain for the pleasure type of girl, so this works for me.

Hillary seems like more of boss in the sheets. She’ll tell you how this is going to go and tell you how you are going to like it. People are into that, if she can throw you around she will. I will go so far as to say her and Bill are possibly into some kinky stuff, bringing things into the bedroom or other people maybe. We are aware she keeps hot sauce in her bag, so we know she can take a dick. Regardless if you pick Hillary for your bang sesh prez, Bill will be watching.

I think sex is too subjective and dependent on what you are into or feeling like that day. Therefore I can’t make this call for you. If only we chose a candidate based on their performance in a threesome. But for me-

Bernie.

Beach Volleyball Partner

I want to go Hillary initially because she is a little more squatty and in control of her extremities like any good setter should be. Good solid base and a proportional limbs, I like that in a volleyball partner. Also, her competitive nature seems to stay consistent and in any sport that is important, consistent play from start to finish. You can knock her down and read her e-mails but she will get back up and keep playing. She will never give up no matter what the margin is and she lights that fire under her teammates as well.

Bernie on the other hand is a little bit lankier of an athlete, which in Volleyball can prove helpful. Getting over the net. As neither of these candidates can probably jump anymore his reach would be extremely important for us. Also, we have seen his endurance, stamina and commitment to finishing what he has started. I love that. I feel Bernie might be a little bit more of team player and support me in my play which ultimately helps our whole team rise up. But-

Hillary.

Have as a Parent

Luckily (maybe), for this one we have some examples of how we might turn out if these people were our parents. Their children. Now, we do have a little more to looks at on the Sanders side of things as he does have four kids to Hillary’s one. We are also far more familiar with Chelsea as she has been around just as long at Billary has.

I enjoyed my childhood life with my parents but I much rather have a strong relationship with them as an adult as that is what we all spend the most time doing with them. My parents are awesome to hang out with, I bring them everywhere I can. I would want my President parent to be the same. So who would you rather hang out with? Who can you bring around the in-laws? Who is going to help you when you make mistakes or need support? Who is still going to be tough enough to straighten you up but not too tough so you hate them? Great questions.

I think Chelsea turned out pretty great, especially given that she grew up in the political lime-light her whole life. Formerly a correspondent for NBC and now taking on an important role in the Clinton non-profit foundation. Boom, I’m in. That sounds like a great life. Maybe I am looking past Hillary specifically here as Bill seems like he might be the one you want to ask to go out because mom will say no. Bill seems like the one who lets you have beer at Thanksgiving but you can’t tell mom. Also, you get to hang out with Uncle Rog and he seems like a party but that is still dad’s side. Although we have heard Hillary indulges in the alcohol sometimes I do still feel like she might be a little bit of an uptight, helicopter mom.

Bernie is ready to deal with the adversity that the modern family can bring and I like that. He has four kids, none of which are actually from him and his wife. She had three before their marriage but Bernie considers them his children. As well as his son from his first marriage. This gives us insight into his ability to manage a big household, accept people in his life and embrace their relationships no matter how complicated the beginning. Therefore, you would feel most comfortable bringing people home to this parent, he will love whoever you love. Also, he would totally smoke pot with you when the family gather got overwhelming. Senator Cool Dad.

Bernie.

Based on all these questions I would vote for Bernie. I already voted in Washington though, so none of this matters. I just wanted to get your minds turning about the REAL issues at hand in this election. So pick what’s most important to you -sex, basketball, your volleyball league- and make your decision. Go vote tomorrow if you are in California. Regardless of what happens, I am picking the Democrat in November but you get to decide who beats that moldy orange. Let’s see what more than 50% of the country think and actually get out and vote this time and in November.

This election is one big game of Marry, Fuck, Kill.

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