Monica Nevi

Comedian

Tag: Comedy Page 1 of 2

Staying Soft Is Hard

The title is a dick joke? This will be a good one.

As tempted as I am every time I sit down to write to just bombard you with blog posts of only dick jokes, this is about keeping a flaccid heart. In the very base of it aren’t we all just a bunch of dickheads running around pretending we know what we are doing?

Staying Soft With Myself 

I have not had the easiest time in my life being soft to the world. Just based on how many times people have said “I thought you were going to beat someone up when you first got on stage” I can tell maybe I don’t have the most inviting vibe. However, once you are in the circle, once you are one of my people, I am extremely soft. Which is potentially why it is so difficult to get into.

I have realized, over the last year and a half, the person I have always been the hardest to was myself. Just a real boner, trying to force myself to do things, deny myself things I really wanted or ridiculing myself for any lack of anything. Which is probably what has made my attempts to be soft more difficult.

Very important to note here that soft does not mean weak. It probably is the stronger, more powerful of the two. Like quicksand, it takes a little longer but eventually it takes everything. Being hard can only last so long before you have to go see a doctor. Once, I was able to accept that being soft was not being weak, in fact it took more from me than any tough-bitch bullshit I had pulled before, then I felt like it was a challenge that I wanted to beat. A very competitive, almost macho outlook on this topic, I know but baby steps.

I still have very little idea what I’m doing and how to really be soft with myself but I can tell you that I have made some very interesting changes and I can tell just that, changes. Last year I started writing letters to my friends and drawing them terrible pictures of whatever animals I thought they might be able to make out. It was like mail charades. I also decide to start listening to myself more and what I really wanted and not what other people kept telling me I wanted. Did you know they don’t know the answer to that? I spent a lot of time pushing things away and trying to control everything that was happening instead of accepting exactly what I wanted and what made me feel good and letting things happen.

I’m also impatient, turns out. This has been huge in the being soft to myself category. It’s tough to give and take time to actually be good to myself. As gross as it sounds, I have to love myself. So I have spent the last year constantly masturbating. Kidding, I need to love myself as a person. Even writing this now makes my insides roll their eyes a little bit still but the craziest thing that has ever happened to me happened this year… I have felt good FOR NO REASON. There have been a lot of personal changes this year but it has also been one of the more stressful times in my life, which prompted the changes, because I told myself I wasn’t going to let it make me hard again. I was going to keep my focus on staying soft, like a boy in junior high P.E. I was going to stay flaccid and easy to move. I wasn’t going to poke anyone else or have to hide myself in public. When my heart is erect, it is intentional, so I have to keep my flaccid heart to myself.

Many techniques have helped me with this, including meditation, writing and doing real weird energy shit but I am really enjoying making everything a dick joke the most.

Staying Soft With Other People

Most of life is super easy if there are no other people in it. Easy doesn’t mean good. Which makes staying soft to others the most difficult. Some times it seems like they are put there just to get you all riled up. Difficult to stay soft when there are so many pussies and buttholes running around. We have to do it anyway. Being hard hearted to others doesn’t help either of you.

Remember from earlier that we are all dickheads and no one knows what they are truly doing. That’s what I have learned, we are all just guessing and some of us are better at being confident about our guesses. We are not in control, someone can be a boner at anytime. The only thing we can control is ourselves and we all make mistakes, I know that for sure. They don’t know what they are doing either. Their isn’t a way to know what’s going to happen or how it will happen, we just know that it will happen, whatever it is. So be patient with them too right? Making a boner go away takes some specific thoughts but most importantly it takes a little time. Patience with other people is very crucial to staying soft and no one wants to help the person who is hard in the middle of everyone.

I am still having so much fun with this dick analogy but it may be making less and less sense.

The big thing with other people and staying soft to them is that they are OTHER people and really what they do has little to do with you. Making yourself hard over other people’s lifestyles is just a waste of everyone’s time that I have never really understood. I want you to be exactly who you want to be, do what you want to do and love who or what you want to love, especially yourself. If we look at other people’s lives with softness then their differences don’t bother us as much. Example, it’s pride month and if you have a problem with same-sex relationships then that makes you hard, which seems to be the opposite of what you were trying to do.

I’m not sure this even says anything but I am so happy with how many dick jokes I was able to fit into one post. Don’t let the tough things in life make you hard, if it breaks your heart, try and let it break it open.

Stay soft my friends.

 

I Have Been Doing Comedy For 7 Years

Hey.

So this is it, the seventh year of stand up is when you find your voice, when you know what you are doing. I agree with that as I seem to have found another voice in my head. So look out… I’m here to ruin that theory for everyone. I would like this year of my career to be about finding my mind, I seem to have lost.

How It Started

People ask me this question all the time, which I actually don’t mind. I have an answer for this and I can show my work:

I loved watching stand up as a youth —–> Started writing jokes for fun during my freshman and sophomore years in college —–> Couldn’t play basketball anymore ——> Watched one open mic at Laughs in Kirkland —–> The next week I do my first open mic —–> 7 years later I write this blog.

The Stories

I figure you don’t want to hear all the crap about what I am proud of and the people I enjoy working with and all the good stuff, as that is not what comedy is about. Comedy is about complaining. Well too bad, I’m going to tell you some good stuff anyway and you’re going to like it. Here are the nominees for best story in each of these categories I have arbitrarily made up:

The Best Thing That Has Happened

  • I have traveled all over the country, almost every part of it, doing comedy and getting paid to do it. For the most part I have broken even and that’s pretty good for traveling.
  • Comedy has allowed me to meet people I never would have otherwise, develop relationships I couldn’t have imagined and even hang out with Canadians.
  • Stand up has given me opportunities to branch out into other amazing forms of comedy and create my own projects, podcasts and other stupid things I am deeply proud of. Huglifepodcast.com
  • I have had the wonderful honor to work with people I have watched on TV for years and for the most part decide that they are pretty nice and hard-working people, just like the rest of us.

The Worst Thing That Has Happened

  • I once asked if two people sitting at a table were mother and son and of course they were married. Then I spent the rest of the set making excuses for why that wasn’t as offensive as it definitely was.
  • I have performed and even hung out in a number of moose, eagles and elks lodges. The drinks are very cheap but so are the inappropriate comments.
  • I have slept everywhere imaginable, from cars to couches to tile floors and deflating air mattresses. Sometimes with cute dogs or cats to cuddle with.
  • I once used someone else’s dirty towel for an entire week because that was my only option.
  • A very small cowboy decided to put his hand in between my legs at a bar thus unleashing a beast inside of me that got me carried out of said bar by security, almost started a fight and honestly quite nearly got that mini cowboy killed. I have the poorly healed part of a tattoo to prove it.

The Craziest Thing That Has Happened

  • While closing out a very fun show in the Northwest a gentleman seemed to be answering his phone in the front row and talking to someone. The third time it happened I asked to see his phone, like a teacher asking for your attention would. He quickly pulled away trying to hide his phone behind himself only to reveal it was a child’s water-maze play toy that he had been answering the whole time.
  • A woman in Deer Lodge, Montana invited us back to her house to go in her bathtub, which she had pictures of on her phone. It was a lovely tub but we did decline… mostly because she had pictures of it on her phone which eluded to this not being her first time and I like to feel special.
  • I have since vowed not to drive during the winter time but in October of this year we nearly died in the snow, in a Prius, in Southern Utah… Which seems to be the saddest of all potential obituaries.
  • I once ended up after a show at a castle next to a state capitol building with the oldest man in history. He may have haunted said castle. Then we woke up in a different larger home on the water. A part of my soul may still be walking around those places.

Overall the last 7 years have been super easy, stress-free and full of love and functional relationships.

No, they have been full of sarcasm. I have loved mostly every moment of what I do, I feel lucky everyday that I get to do comedy for a living. I am excited to continue this journey and see the changes this year brings. Year 7 is the one when you start edging toward not compromising what you want for what you CAN do just because you can. Also, I am writing this blog from an apartment I share with two grown men, one of which is loudly having sex in the room next to me… so things HAVE to change.

Feel free to let me know which of the nominees in each category YOU think get the award!

 

YOUR [SMART]Goals for 2018

Normally, when I post articles here I am sure to remind you that I don’t know what I’m talking about and these are just my ideas. However, this is much different because I have read upwards of six books since the last time I posted, so I’m much smarter now and goal setting is something I’m obsessive about.

I already have made an extensive list with detailed interim steps for my own goals this year and each morning I write a list of intentions. So, since I love it so much, I went ahead and wrote your goals for this year for you. I’m proud of you for choosing so wisely.

SMART GOALS

First, we’ll quickly discuss what SMART goals are and how I interpret them. If you look it up people will tell you that a SMART goal is one that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable or Action Oriented, Realistic or Relevant and Time-Bound. The answers will depend on which fucking adult worksheet you have looked up. This is a fine way to set goals if you have trouble thinking of things other than “my goal is to stop being a piece of shit.” For this, I have my own definition of SMART goals and since I wrote your goals for you, taking a quick glance over them might be a good idea.

S = Sexy

Your goals should be attractive. To you specifically. No one is excited to work hard for a goal they think they have to do to better themselves for other people. Everyone wants to be sexy for no reason, so think about the outcome of the outcome. “I work out everyday to maintain quality health”…. AND LOOK SEXY AS FUCK. “I budget my finances each month so I can afford special things I want” … LIKE VACATIONS ON SEXY BEACHES OR MASSAGES.

M=Manageable

Successful people know what is important to achieving their goals and how to delegate everything else. Make sure you set goals that you can focus on and stop worrying about other people’s bullshit and opinions. If you want it and you can manage focusing on it, you got it.

A=Artistic

Be creative. All the time. Just because you haven’t been calling yourself an artist up until now doesn’t mean you can’t get creative with your goals and what you spend your successes on. Get weird, it makes everything so much better.

R=Realistic

I keep this one on here to define what realistic is. You’re reality is different than mine, so whatever you see feasible and able to fit in yours, is real. Optimism and reality are not separate things, it’s your reality so make it the best you can. No matter what you choose to focus on, make it perfect and when someone says ‘oh, come on be realistic’ simply reply ‘I am, fuck you.’

T=Trust

This is the hardest one mostly because we have gotten locked in the idea we shouldn’t trust anyone and that authenticity is dead. That’s not the case. The very first person you should trust is yourself and that’s what this is about. Trust that what you choose to focus on as a goal is what you truly want for yourself. Trust that all the hard work you are doing works. Trust your heart. Trust that you deserve and will attain these goal.

Here Are Your 2018 Goals

Unconditional Gratitude

You are grateful for everything you have and are given. Every step you take this year, no matter how tiny, is worth viewing through wonderment. It is wonderful that you got a new job, it is also wonderful that someone delivers a paper to your door and wonderful that people liked your Instagram post. Every little part is amazing. This is part of being present in the moment, as you appreciate what is happening you are aware of it completely. Valuing things, people and showing appreciation is a very attractive quality.

“I list things that I am grateful for at the same time everyday in 2018”

Eliminate Comparisons

Other people are going to disagree with your choices or judge you but that is based in fear and actually has nothing to do with you. In that same vein you don’t judge other people for what they are choosing to do. It’s a waste of time and energy on both sides. Your happiness and your goals are the only thing you are concerned with and anyone who is comparing themselves to anything else is simply afraid to let themselves be happy.

“I am happy and excited about my life in 2018”

Bravery

The opposite of fear. Fear, worry and guilt are the most useless wastes of time ever. You poison yourself with stress worrying and fearing things that are never going to happen or be as bad as you think. You poison yourself feeling guilty over things you cannot change, that have already happened.

You are brave, fearless and confident. People talk about confidence being the best thing in the world, something they admire. Confident people have no concept of fear or worry. They are not threatened by the unknown because they know it is limitless, it can be as good as possibly imagined.

“I am brave and embrace the vast possibilities of the unknown in 2018”

Growth

This is how you know you are alive. Just by setting these goals and examining what you want to improve on, is growth. There isn’t really a right or wrong anything, there are just different answers. Through loss of loved ones and my work this year I have come to understand that there is no stopping growth, otherwise you are dead. Therefore, you pick the direction you want to grow in and just keep walking that way. Do whatever you want because you want to, it will always be a growing experience.

“I am constantly learning and growing from every experience I have in 2018”

Love

Love yourself. It becomes reflected in how you love other people when you can love yourself. Love yourself enough to enjoy what makes you happy. Love yourself enough to spend time with the people you want to. Love yourself enough to go out and achieve your goals. Love yourself enough to allow your top priority to be feeling good. Love yourself enough to find happiness in circumstances other people find insanity. Love yourself enough to radiate love and draw other wonderful people to you. Love yourself enough to come to Monica Nevi’s shows and allow yourself to laugh.

“I love myself and the people in my life so much that we go to Monica Nevi’s shows whenever possible in 2018”

I think those are great goals for every person, they are written in the present tense because you are already accepting that they are real right now, they are a part of how you work this year. No matter how 2017 was for you it is behind us now, you are free from whatever it did to you. 2018 is now and so are you! Remember that these are your goals and not mine so don’t expect me to be any nicer to you than I already am.

Author’s Notes: Having a positive outlook on the year does not mean there will not be difficulty and pain at some times, it simply means you can work through it easier. Feel your emotions, all of them but also know you can have everything that you want and you deserve it.

 

[Life]Vomit

I have spent 27 years consciously walking this planet, hunting and gathering information and experiences that might help me do a better job. Nothing seems to resonate with me more than the experiences I have when I throw up. Life lessons and profound moments have come to me while vomiting. I vividly remember why I shouldn’t eat chocolate cake or tequila (especially together).

Tuesday, in the middle of the night, I found myself leaned over with my hands on my knees in a park I used to play in as a child, vomiting onto the ground behind the bathroom building. Would it be cooler to tell you that I had been partying with some wild strangers on a weeknight and got a little too crazy? Probably. You know what isn’t cool? Lying.

What Happened

I was alone and sober on a Tuesday night after I did two pretty mediocre shows, watched karaoke, started to cry in a bar and decided I should go home. Not cool, but honest. Why was I throwing up then? I had one drink but in the last two weeks I have had a very difficult time eating pretty much anything. Feeling confident and distracted hanging out with Cameron we went to Dick’s burgers and I had two regular cheeseburgers. I could get them down on my way to a bar where a friend was working to watch karaoke instead of going home and being alone. All of this seemed like a good plan.

In the middle of a song I get this rush of all the anxiety and stress I had been dealing with, maybe triggered by a man with a beautiful voice singing Sara Bareilles, maybe not. I start to get choked up in this public place and quickly head to the bathroom to pull myself together. I cry for a little bit in the bathroom stall but am able to shove it back down. As I’m standing there, getting it together, I get this horrible knotted feeling in my stomach, like there is a big brick that needs to come out. Not in the ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY I’M GOING TO BLOW’ type of sense but in the ‘this thing is coming out if I have to do it myself’ kind of way. Maybe going home isn’t such a bad idea. I pack my things up and start walking up the hill to my car.

On the way back to the car I am actively looking for a place to secretly release this beast in my stomach. Trash cans are too public, there are other people using the area behind most buildings for various things, the park near by has a fountain but I peed in that once during college so I already felt like I had marked my territory. I’m just going to start driving back to my parents’ house and find something on the way. Obviously, I wasn’t super keen on the idea of coming home to my parents in the middle of the night and drawing all the attention with my vomiting. Knowing the Renton area as well as I do, I knew this particular park wasn’t too far off the freeway, was very dark and in the middle of some houses, not on a main road. Target acquired.

As I pull up to the park, I leave the car in front of the locked gate to the parking lot. I think I turn off the lights but I do not. I get out step over the gate and walk to this covered corner on the back side of the bathroom building that I know is there because we used to play kick-the-can at this park at night all the time. There I am, bent over like a linebacker, with my boots spread far enough apart to stay out of the splash zone and my hood is rigged up to play the part of someone holding my hair back. Ejection has commenced.

After cheeseburger #1 has made its way to the ground, I thought to myself “of course this is happening.” I didn’t realize what I meant at the time. While facing my insides on the ground of a park my uncle used to take me and my cousin to, I thought I had hit that wall of stress and anxiety, frustration and sadness where you can’t do anything but laugh and you seem to have accepted that you aren’t good enough and bad things just happen to you. As cheeseburger #2 was exiting the same place I use to try and convince people I am good enough I just had a flurry of all the work I had been trying to do for things that could potentially fall flat on their face. But not me, I couldn’t fall flat on my face because I would land in my own vomit.

This hiding spot is still solid and even though I left the headlights on, no one finds me.

How Does This End

At this point, I feel like everything has gotten out but I stay in the position, staring at the blended insides of my body, feeling empty in most ways possible. Looking down, hoping the Universe has spelled something out for me here. I find nothing and walk away, wiping my finger on a fence post I used to challenge my friends to jump over, and get back in the car. I make it home, very confused and disoriented. I wash my hands, brush my teeth and go to bed. I stare at the ceiling wondering if because I am what I am, am I destined to be tortured for my whole life or if I should just not eat Dick’s anymore.

I wake up at 5 am and get sick again, almost passing out and then again at 11 am. Maybe I am just sick and I have read too far into this… just adding more questions of inadequacy over how I am approaching all of this mentally. I’m not sure if it was when I was in the park or on the bathroom floor in a modified yoga pose hoping not to pass out but I finally had the thought ‘I think I should make some changes to the way I am thinking about things.’ I would say there was clarity in those moments but I was teetering between knowing I wasn’t having any positivity with myself at all and feeling resentment toward those who have a privileged enough life to have never cried onto their own vomit in the middle of the night. Wracking my brain for all the things I had used before to value myself during tough times of stress while also wondering if I just Will Byers style flushed a demogorgon into the world.

Why Does This Matter

“Monica, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Stress is poison and I have been literally poisoning myself with my thoughts on and off for years. You probably have too. I fight all the time to stay positive but when you get sucked down the other way you don’t realize it. So when I thought to myself “of course this is happening to me” it wasn’t because I deserve to be in pain, it was because I thought myself into that situation. Of course I’m vomiting up all the poison I have been putting my body through in this park where I once coached a summer camp. Of course this is happening because my attempts to ‘take care of myself’ were only going through the motions so I didn’t look as sad to other people. I let my mind bring me all the way down when I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing and I am confidently positive about all the things I am doing. I totally forgot! I have always had a hard time letting myself feel good about anything, even though I know how to do that.

After the burger and/or pain purge I felt a little bit renewed. Every once in awhile you have to remind yourself that you are good, great and wonderful. People know that about you and your hard work in life and on yourself is worth it. Also, trust yourself. I think that is the biggest source of anguish for me, I let these negative feelings pull me away from what I know is true and good and what I believe in. All of which have been tested time and time again and I am always right.

I read an entire book the next day. I have never done that. It was only 70 pages but clearly some changes have been made. I have spent years knowing what I should be doing for myself and how I should be utilizing those tool but just not doing it. It’s only been two days but maybe sometimes it just takes throwing up in a park in the middle of the night to shake it out of you. Or maybe… just maybe… you shouldn’t eat cheeseburgers from a 1,000 year old stand on a 2 day empty stomach. Give it whatever meaning you want.

I also updated my calendar. 🙂

The Upper Left

In between your moments spent weeping tears from all the disaster happening around us you may have noticed that I have completely my Upper Left Tour and am back in Los Angeles for now. Well, I’m flattered you took the time to notice that. People have had a lot of questions and I figure I should give a little recap of the good, the bad and the funny that was The Upper Left Tour.

The Good:

-I saw and worked in a ton of places I hadn’t worked before, a lot of small towns and fancy venues I hadn’t done yet and now I know how/where to get weed in all of them. I never saw myself in Nampa, ID or Pedelton, OR. Never did I consider I may be excited to go to places in Washington like Spokane or Richland but life throws you some interesting pitches sometimes and I have a known ability to get the bat on a curve ball.

-I got to work with some amazing people. Always nice to go back to the Northwest and work with some of my favorite comics but I also had the chance to work with some hotties that I hadn’t met before and I love watching monsters work. I got to open for Michael Ian Black and that was amazing. Matt Braunger was such a sweet guy to work with. At Bumbershoot I got to hang and work with Judah Freidlander, Brody Stevens, Joel Kim Booster, Todd Barry and Debra DiGiovanni and they all slayed so hard and were such nice people. Loved it and learned so much.

-Speaking of Bumbershoot, I got to do two festivals and I had a wonderful time at both. Festivals from time to time can be hard to deliver on. This year was great. Bumbershoot was fun and I love being a part of something so historically Seattle. I also had the opportunity to do the 208 Festival in Boise, ID. And that felt like a really fun summer camp where everyone was so nice, SO funny and we were treated very well with awesome shows.

-The hotels. My favorite part. I have enough shampoo, conditioner, lotion and hand soap to last me and all my roommates until next tour. Hotel sleep is a different experience that scientist should learn how to bottle. I only left one very important item in the hotel one time. I also had the tremendous experience of having a hotel room where the shower was in the middle of the room and not in the bathroom (check instagram @monicanevi for the proof).

-80 for 80. What a fun experience that I am so excited to see how it turns out and share it with you. I feel very proud of me and my team for being able to pull off a silly idea I had in the winter and actually execute and film it with grant money by the summer. It was a wonderful experience with great, hilarious and interesting people. I learned so much from producing, writing and performing as well as the intricacies of the jobs that my crew has done perfectly. It’s more than I could ever have asked from for just starting with a silly text that said “hey I have an idea.”

The Bad (Or Questionable):

-Poor Jean (that’s my car). My hot ass red Ford Focus out here all summer driving around crushing gas mileage and not smelling that bad for essentially having someone live inside of her. However, we had 3 oil changes in 3 months and are about to need another one. She has been worked hard this summer and I appreciate all that she has done for us.

-My computer. Although I am fingering her gently now, she is definitely on the way out. If anyone has suggestions on how to get a new computer when you really, really can’t afford one… let me know.

-Tired and lonely. Potentially the name for my next tour. The travel is fun to be in other places and I feel so lucky I get to do comedy in all these different parts of the country but the getting there sucks. Long drives and yourself being the only person to talk to most of the time. It gets real crazy in there.

-Hotels. I know I said it was good before and I’m a fan of always keeping something positive in mind but I did have a few really lonely hotel nights where I had been driving long days, performed multiple shows and that is the perfect combination to result in slim jims and tears while laying on a hotel room floor. It only happened twice but still. Would have had a third had there not been a shower and jacuzzi tub right in the middle of my room, thank you Phoenix Inn.

What’s Next:

-Honestly, there is quite a bit more work coming up as far as travel goes. This time more in and out of LA but I have been offered enough work that is would be silly not to take it. So first off I’m back in Seattle for a cool corporate gig and because of that I put together an awesome Renton show in Renton at Delancey’s on 3rd FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 29th. Other awesome Renton comics and myself headlining as I have not headlined a show in Renton in a couple years and this will be a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma. Get your tickets now! Here And/Or sign up for my e-mail list through this website to get a discount code.

-80 for 80 is currently in editing. This takes some time so be patient. It will be out this fall, so fear not. The date is flexible at this point as I want to make sure we have time to create exactly what we want to be able to present to you. However, there will be a big premiere event so keep your eyes out for that as well as sneak peaks and small clips in the mean time.

-Very exciting work going on with the HugLife Podcast, we have some huge announcements coming up in the next couple weeks that I couldn’t possibly be happier about. If you aren’t listening, please change that. It’s worth it, it’s fun and I am very proud of it. Check it out here.

Thank you to everyone who came out to shows and bought magnets and hugged me and sent tweets and messages and everything over the course of the tour. Literally, could not do it without you… need someone to be able to talk this nonsense at and I love you for that.

Doing Amazon shopping? Use this banner when you do it!!!!!! Please, I am very poor and have to pay for this website.

Amazon Deleted My Positive Review

I have a little internal dispute with the fact people most often leave reviews and comments when they are upset about something and rarely take the time to say anything positive. I have been trying to positively review some of the things I think other people would like to use, especially if I really enjoy the company or creator.

A few months ago (I have been dealing with the emotional repercussions of this experience, so it has taken me a bit to write this) I was having some issues going the bathroom. My grandmother suggested I use a laxative, so I went to the Wal-mart and picked up the Equate Gentle Women’s Laxative and this review is the story of what happened and how surprisingly well it worked. Below is a screenshot of the top of their e-mail denying my support of the company and below that is the entire review.

This is the full thing so you can understand why I am disappointed Amazon didn’t accept this glowing review:

“If you are stressing about using a laxative choose this one as it will definitely eject any fear or concern right out of your asshole. This was a last resort for me personally as I had some ongoing issues with constipation that had become painful. I chose these specifically because I am a woman and like most things gentle. As I had learned in the past based on massages and watching children pet dogs, we all have a different definition of gentle.

The reason this product gets a 5 is because it did what it was supposed to do. The label said to expect some action 6-12 hours after it is taken. The next morning, about 10 hours after I took one of the 5mg pills, I had a movement that could be considered gentle only in how soft it was. Although, it was a little startling, I finally felt a little relief. I didn’t think everything was cleared out but I was very pleased something was happening. About 30 minutes later, I felt a little bit of a rush to the restroom to then expel what I can only describe as ass vomit. It was a lot but I did feel like I got all the stuff that was stuck in there out.

About an hour later I was on the phone on my bed and as I got off the phone I rolled onto my stomach. I promptly shit my pants while lying on my stomach in sweatpants, sans underwear. The math on how that happened is still a little bit shaky in my head but if you imagine stepping on a Capri Sun, shot out like a straw. After I audibly said “oh, that’s not good” I shuffled to the bathroom and had my first official shit to shower. I wore the sweatpants into the shower.

One more bout and I felt great, like everything had finally come out and the shame of shitting my pants without any underwear on was starting to hurt a little less. I couldn’t help but notice my abs killin it and think that the gentle may how been referring to the severity of the bulimia you might have if choosing to use these. Cost effective and ass effective. If you want to feel a little fear, need something to make you feel alive and also clean you out. This is the product. ”

I don’t want to give you the impression I am fighting with Amazon on Prime Day because I am not. I am fighting the war on positive reviews everyday. In fact I like Amazon and you should use this banner to check out those Amazon deals, if that’s what you’re into. Maybe all the scientific terms were too much for their review guidelines but I genuinely encourage you to write positive reviews for any products, podcasts or services you use and are happy with. They have a great impact on the success of the company so you can continue to have their services flow right through you.

Any direct questions about the quality of the laxatives are welcomed in the comments. I have 29 of the 30 pills left if anyone wants to try.

I Keep Dating People, Who Are Dating People.

I am a comedian. If you have seen my set, listened to my podcast or anything I have done, it’s fairly obvious I am not great at dating. In fact at some point now I say “I’m just not good at it” on stage. Most of that is my fault but I have come across this cycle where I date people who are dating people, and not on purpose. I’m confused by it, appalled at some points and now genuinely discouraged again. It’s complicated but maybe someone –anyone?- else has had this happen this too.

Life And Art

In the fall of last year I wrote a joke about having been “dating” or “talking” to someone who gets engaged during that time, which was and is true. The only part I exaggerated was that it has happened to me four separate times. At the time of me writing the joke, only one person got in engaged and one was seeing someone very seriously (like years) while we were “dating.”

“Life imitates art far more than art imitates life” -Oscar Wilde

As a stand-up comic I like to talk about my life, things that have happened to me or things that I have witnessed. I don’t do political material because right now I enjoy not thinking about it for a moment. Also, I’m too stupid to really know what I am talking about. I want the audience to be able to relate to stuff I have been through or at least understand it. I think comedy is art… sometimes. Those times are when it really does imitate life.

I started telling the joke in October and since then I have either had this happen again or found out that while I was dating someone in the past they were with someone else – a total of 5 times now. My subconscious must have been so uncomfortable with the fact I wasn’t completely telling the truth on stage that it was like, we have to fix this.

What Is Happening?

In the past 2 years I have dated 2 people that got engaged during the time we were hanging out and 3 people who were soon moving in with a person they had been seeing more multiple years. Sure I want to blame it on an outside force and I am starting to think maybe this is all a simulation but here is no way that I am not at fault for some of this.

A lot of this may stem from the fact I am a pretty traditional person. I get jealous, I like monogamy but love is the scariest thing in the world, so I just stay away from relationships all together. I feel that if you are going to tell someone you love them and only want to be with them then you should do that. If those feelings change, you should also tell them. My issue with the fact this keeps happening is that they are lying to the other person more than they are lying to me.

I have watched someone I loved be with another person when they said they loved me and there are few pains greater. To know that I was, or could have been, the partial cause of someone else feeling like that, makes me sick to my stomach. Even though I am a badass-independent-strong mama-cool girl, I don’t like it when other people are hurt. Also, I am lied to in this scenario as well and I don’t like that at all.

Hopefully, this is a simulation and I am just someone’s Sims character and they saw me thinking about a person I had dated a year ago like “I should tell him that I did really care about him and I’m sorry and that he is the only person I had considered a relationship with in the past 7 years, yeah I should do that.” Cut to a day later when a friend of mine runs into him and confirms that he not only was with someone the whole time we were hanging out but they are moving in together. Cool, number 5. So whoever is in charge, made that happen so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Good on you, I hope you win this game.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

Obviously, there is a flaw in the people I am attracted to, how I am treating the relationship or just me as a person that is leading to these situations. If I think about it, after having been burned before, I do steer away from finding out the truth. I never ask if they are seeing someone else because I am usually not looking for something exclusive, so I don’t really care. I don’t want them to ask me that same question so I just don’t bring it up.

Note to self: When they don’t ask if you are seeing anyone else, they are seeing someone else.

In reality I am fine with them casually dating or hanging out with other people, I have a weird life, it doesn’t work for relationships. My issue is with them being in a serious relationship with intentions of ending up with that person and them not being aware that you are out here swinging your dick around.

Note to self: Dick swinging is not attractive.

My indifference has led me to gloss over a lot of things that in retrospect would have been strong indicators of what was going on. More than one of these cases had excused text messaging, where every time they would be texting or calling a certain person they would vigorously explain who it was. “Oh this is Sarah, she is my best friend, nothing is going on at all, we are just friends.” Even though I NEVER asked who it was or what was going on, I don’t explain my text messaged because I’m not hiding anything. I did have one person ask me why I wouldn’t check my texts in bed, was I hiding something? I just didn’t have any messages.

Note to self: When an unasked question is answered, it’s a lie.

I am upfront with the fact I am busy, I am out of town a lot and I’m kind of a bitch. I hope the other person is honest about their situation too. The only scenario I have found honesty in has still been real fucked up, someone who did get married, told me but then said they still wanted to date and it was okay in their situation… and I did that for awhile. Maybe because my standards of normal are so low and I don’t think anything can function or because it was the first person who had been moderately honest with me in years. People just want you to do what they want and will lie through their butts to get you to do it.

Alternative Dating Styles

As a result of my naturally traditional intuition I had previously viewed people in open relationships or poly-amorous relationships as ‘outsider’ and weird. After all of this, however, I have a much greater respect for that amount of communication and confidence in your relationship it would take to make that work. It’s not traditional, sure, but at this point traditional just means you are cheating on each other.

I have more than one married friend who has threesomes all the time and that works great for them. I know a few people that have an extra girlfriend or whatever and everyone is cool with it. I know a small amount of people who have had an open relationship work for them. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around how comfortable I would be in a situation like that but I respect it far more than I do anyone who has just started dating me even though they were going to propose soon to someone else.

The fact that is plural is insane.

The amount of security, love and communication it takes to talk to someone about what you are feeling instead of cheating on them is admirable. Pretending you are single and sleeping with someone DAYS before you propose to someone else, is not.

There are a few things I am saying:
1. This is a weird pattern and I don’t know how to fix it but maybe someone else has had this happen too.
2. This all may really be a simulation.
3. Stop judging people who have an alternative style of relationship, if it is working that’s better than half of us anyway.
4. The most important, if you do have someone who is on your same page, doesn’t cheat on you, treats you right and communicates. Enjoy them, have fun in those moments and cherish the fact you found something good. Because everyone is lying and it will come out eventually so you might as well have fun for a while.

The 5 Steps To A Viral Video

Whether it’s unintentional or well thought out the viral video is the pinnacle of internet success. Some of us are looking to create something we are proud of and have others really enjoy it so they share it with their friends, like you will with this article. Others are just hoping to have their phone out when someone falls in a fountain or gets dragged off a plane. We are going to focus on the intentional viral video part, since you can only cross your fingers so long that a girl gets punched in the face in the background of your SnapChat.

Here are the very easy steps to making a viral video*

Step 1: Conceptualize

Whatever it is you want this video to represent at the end have a clear vision of that when you start. What category is it going to fit in? What is the message you want to get out to people? Are you motivating, are you helping, are you instructing, are you showcasing something amazing or are you making people laugh/cry? This is intentionally viral so you must be intentional with your planning. Lay out and write down what you are going to do and be able to identify the parts that will make people want to share.

Step 2: Boobs And Cats

Now take the structure you just created and chop it up so you can fit in as many cats and boobs as possible. If you have the opportunity to film cats and boobs together, you are really helping yourself out. The more the better. Now, if your original structure was meant to be just a cat playing with boobs simply add more cats and boobs you don’t really need to rewrite too much.

Step 3: Add An Injury 

Since it is morally questionable and pretty dark to manufacture some sort of tragedy for your viral video, your next best bet is to have someone fall or hit their head. People love to watch other people get hurt. Usually this needs to be a minor injury that the audience will know the person is okay but some people are into wondering if the person made it. So cut from cats and boobs to a friend running into the door or falling off a table they should not have been standing on.

Step 4: Title And Share Relentlessly

This is key, share the video on all of your social media and post it directly to your friends’ pages. The title is what will draw them in so make it something that is intriguing and true to the video itself and catchy like “Man Falls On Kitties Playing With Titties” or something like that. Then message those same friends with the exact same link and ask them to either share it, like it or up vote it. This makes every single follower so annoyed that they have to watch it to know what is going on. There is nothing we like more than watching something that has been shared a ton and going “that wasn’t even that good.” That’s what makes it a viral video, it being divisive.

Step 5: Constantly Check View Numbers

You are going to want to post it separately on Facebook and Youtube as they have different view counting systems. When people ask you how many views it has, always go with the Facebook number as it will absolutely be higher. Check back on the views every 10 minutes for the rest of the day. When you start getting a lot of views make posts sharing the video again that say things like “almost to 1 million” or almost “more than that Adele video.” What ever gets people riled up to watch it again. The numbers are what make it viral, so always check them.

If you follow these steps you will be 100% guaranteed** to have a viral video on your hands. Remember to think about what people are going to want to SHARE. That’s the biggest thing to keep in mind. Some viewers are great and align with exactly what you want them to and then there are the majority of people who need something they can comprehend and that’s where the viral videos flourish.

In my experience, I really have fun and feel fulfilled when I make my monthly Mellowing Out with Monica meditation videos but people enjoyed watching my perform stand up after smoking weed a little bit more. All of which is on my YouTube channel you can subscribe to here.

Whatever you gathered from this article I know for a fact that I am not wrong.

*I have never had a video go viral and am using an aggregated source of information on videos that I have seen go viral.

**This number is based solely on the actual kitty-boob-fall video described the steps.

 

 


Why Angela Bassett Should Replace Amy Schumer As Barbie

If you hadn’t heard, they are making a new Barbie movie which comedian and sexy soft bodied comedian Amy Schumer was set to play the title role. I am always down for the idea to have a woman with a more relatable body type to show young women. Yeah Amy, your body isn’t brave, it’s relatable. I like Schumer a lot, even after the fame and say what you want about me personally but I liked the Leather Special more than her last HBO special and ‘Mostly Sex Stuff’ is one of my top 5 favorite comedy specials. I have watched almost all of the comedy, ever.

Regardless of how we feel about Amy Schumer she has backed out of the film for what seems to be a better role in a different movie. Now we have to find a new Barbie and I have seen some other ideas being thrown around about who that should be so I wanted to throw in my 2 Angela Bassett cents.

What Barbie Is To Me

I think this is an important question to ask yourself when you are tackling the hard hitting issue of who you think would be a better pick to portray Barbie. Did she symbolize what you wanted to be? Did you idolize the idea of an impossibly tiny waist, huge tits and blonde hair? Or were you like me and for years Barbie and Skipper had to take their camping van into the garage because they always brought way too much food that they didn’t eat and it would get all over?

For me Barbie eventually turned into only naked in the bathtub with Ken and a convertible car and they literally never wore clothes. Which I like to think is really what happened next. What I am saying is that what Barbie meant to each of us, will vary. I played with Barbie and I was more self-conscious about my body because of Cheryl Miller than Barbie.

Age

I like to take things literally and if we are talking about Barbie now, she would be at least 58, as she was ‘born’ of March 9th, 1959. Mind you she was born a 19 year old blonde girl but whatever. Angela Bassett is 58 years old right now.

Fame

Barbie is famous as fuck yo. She is the original Kardashian and she got to come in her own box to get that fame. So I feel like the real-life Barbie should be seasoned in taking fame gracefully. Angela Bassett has been in the spotlight for years, manages to have had a successful marriage since 1997 and has two kids while still working and maintaining fame. That’s an admirable fame story.

Looks

This is where we might be divided, I know the original body is unrealistic and we were going to go with Carb Barbie this time but a 58 year old women who can’t bring those guns into a school zone is a body image I want to have on my wall. As a former athlete with a Bachelors in Sports and Exercise Science and a Masters in Judging People On Instagram this is what is hot now. We are no longer chasing the tiny waist, big boobs thing. We want to be able to eat a balanced, healthy meal and be on the squat team. Angela Bassett’s body is amazing, she got the booty we are all looking for and she just walks around like her body isn’t magic, handing out boners left and right.

Also, the little white girls are going to be just fine, they see themselves enough as it is. Barbie has always been someone we convinced ourselves we should try to be like. Beautiful, home-maker, sweet lady. Well Angela Bassett seems to be all of those things and more. I wake up everyday hoping that somehow I have become Angela Bassett.

Angela Bassett Barbie Has Seen Some Shit

This is the most important part to my suggestion, I want my Barbie to have seen some shit. Personally, I have always felt that being drown in a bathtub everyday and getting terrible haircuts that never grew back just wasn’t a real enough struggle for me to relate to my Barbie. Angela Bassett Barbie has seen most of the things that shape our nation, meaning she can help you navigate through what is coming next.

She was Rosa Parks. She knows Malcom X. She mothered the Jacksons. She met some boys in the hood. She exhaled after lighting her husbands car on fire and then she got her groove back. Not to mention being an important part in a spelling bee before she was Coretta Scott King. You try making time for all that.

All I’m saying is if we are moving in this progressive direction of someone we should be looking up to, she’s the one. She is a time tested, beautiful, strong mother and wife who supports charities and has maintained an outstanding career and classy demeanor through all of it.

Alternative Answers

Maybe you disagree with me so here are some other options I have thought of that I don’t think would be as good as Angela Bassett but could be considered.

  • Charo
  • Betty White
  • Rihanna
  • Jane Seymour
  • Laverne Cox
  • Melissa McCarthy
  • Leslie Jones

Or we could just take the story in a more literal direction and see what really happened to Barbie and put Courtney Love in there.

Just something to think about.

Cheap Last Minute Valentine Gift Ideas

Aside from comedy and basketball, my passion truly lies in helping other people. That is why I compiled this list of last minute Valentine’s gift ideas that will leave you with a very happy partner, a full wallet and jealous friends because they didn’t think of these. Unless they also read this but then you just have super cool friends and that is exciting as well. This list is full of last minute ideas that twist the norms, push the boundaries and always end in sex. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

1. Chocolate Box Without Chocolate – Don’t buy a new one. Find an empty one, maybe from years ago. Take the wrappers and the gross cherry ones you never ate out of it and put something in there that they actually like. How jacked would you be if you opened a chocolate box, expected an assortment of chocolates containing only 3-5 types that you will actually eat, and inside was just as many tacos or chicken nuggets as the love of your life (clearly) could fit inside? So jacked. Done.

2. Real Love Coupons – This is a classic move, for those of us that are poor at planning. Make a little coupon booklet that your partner can turn in for sweet things like 1 back rub or a hug or something else dumb. NO. We take it to the next level, give them some coupons they will be excited to use. My suggestions include: “1 use of ‘no’ when I say ‘we need to talk.'” “1 excused absence from a family gathering you don’t want to go to.” “1 excused night where you get to get too drunk and no matter how much you throw up or cry I still have to help you nurse your hangover the next day,” or “butt stuff.” You know, real value.

3. Actual Stuffed Animal – Again, don’t buy a new one. If you have the supplies for this don’t even leave the house. Find a stuffed animal of theirs, moderately loved, maybe one you purchased in a past point of weakness. Cut open the back of the squishy friend at the seam, pull out some stuffing, insert some weed, mushrooms, cocaine or mini booze bottles (whatever your partner prefers), do a terrible stitching job so they can open it easily later. Finally, have the best night/into the morning you have ever had.

4. Whore-made Card – Get a little crafty, don’t be afraid to use some crayons for once. Make a classic folded card, write something very sweet on the front “Happy Valentine’s Day to the Love of My Life.” Beautiful. Now on the inside draw (or print and paste) a picture of some real freaky shit they would be into. Maybe something you haven’t done in awhile, putting stuff in places they usually aren’t allowed to go, draw an extra person in there with you, whatever will get them going. The key here is that you are showing that you listen, you know what they like, you want to fulfill their dreams at least in a 2-dimensional fashion.

5. Sacrifice Your Body – Although all of these should end with nudity, this one is when you just let the cat out of the bag (pun intended) right away. Light a few candles, be completely naked just hanging out of the couch when they walk in the door. Ideally, there is some soft sexy music, the candle light flickers across the Twister mat you have laid out on the ground. There won’t be any questions on this one. They know what’s up.

There you go my friends, don’t get caught in the same pattern as every other unhappy couple, who forces themselves to get whatever they think they are supposed to get. Take your Valentine’s game up a notch, show you care as long as it is something you can accomplish the day of. You can pick one or all of these options and still have a successful evening of passion and possibly drug induced love.

I hope your day is now filled with love. 🙂

Image result for valentine's day gift baskets

OR JUST ORDER SOME FREAKY STUFF FROM AMAZON. They have some real intense stuff on there.

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