Month: February 2017

Death is the Question: Tribute to Grandpa

You could have been following me for less than a month and figure out that I don’t do well with grief and loss. I have been working on it for years but it is still not a smooth ride. This last Saturday my grandfather passed away, just days before his 90th birthday. It’s when he was supposed to go and he had been struggling for awhile. It was one of those situations where there is a bit of relief after they leave, as it is apparent they were suffering. However, my own issues with grief, loss and my tendency to take on other people’s stress always leaves me with more questions than answers.

My Grandpa

Of all lives to live and times to go he did it right. From Idaho, married 5 times that we know of and used one of those marriages to create the most perfect lady in the whole world (my mom). Dude worked hard his whole life, they couldn’t get him to stop working until he was in his 80s. He loved hard too, obviously by the amount of wives but he was just a charming good guy and women loved him all the way up to the nurses taking care of him at the end. He had a bunch of kids, like enough to where I can’t even really tell who is who’s sibling but they are/were all very sweet people, that cared too much sometimes but in the most genuine ways, just good people.

He was an Army veteran, beer drinking, good time. When me and the other grandchildren came along it was like he was built to be a grandpa, like he was waiting his whole life for it. Why else would you say shit like “he’s like a fart in a skillet?” That’s not a dad thing, that’s a grandpa thing. He was just grumpy enough where you knew he was 100% genuine all the time. He would sacrifice anything for people he cared about. He received a purple heart from his time at war and had the gnarly scars to prove it. When I was little I would sit on his lap and punch him in the stomach, you know, cause I was a fun kid. After 4-5 punches every time he would show everyone his belly with the biggest knife scars all the way across them and say “you’re so strong! look what you did!” What a fun time, with a fun guy. Also, for the record, I am pretty strong.

Most importantly, even the concerns you might have for an old man from rural Idaho were not an issue. I’m sure he internalize some shit you wouldn’t want to hear, just based on some of the hate being spewed by others around him but I don’t really think he cared. I had never known him when he could hear very well, which meant he was also loud as fuck when he would talk. I remember my high school graduation party when one of my many basketball coaches walked in with her partner at the time and my grandpa was sitting in the recliner – where he also slept – and as they passed through the room into the backyard he yelled “are those two a little funny?” This of course being his way of asking if they were lesbians but when we said yes he was just kind of like “okay, just checking.” It was only mildly embarrassing but I can’t help but think it could have been much worse.

My grandfather knew what he loved and didn’t pay much attention to the things that didn’t fit that. Which is an outlook that many of us work really hard to obtain and he mastered it. He was a real ‘live and let live’ kind of guy, a real hard worker and a real caring gentleman. He did it right, lived right and died right.

The Questions

His simple yet impressive life resume is what seems to be leaving me with so many questions and ill feelings after someone passes. I just wish after someone passed you could sit with them and go over everything and see how they felt about it. I suppose they don’t feel about it, because they are dead.

At this time last year, closer to the beginning of February, my aunt passed away. I wrote a post about it then but my site crashed so we don’t have it. In short she had a much different life; she battled drug addiction and abusive relationships with bad people. I wish she had known about places like Enterhealth, so that she could have won that battle at least. She wasn’t a bad person though, she was actually a very caring person. I have so many questions for her. I just have become overly concerned with the idea of mortality in the past few years, possibly a symptom of this sweet, sweet anxiety disorder.

Hard to feel relieved when anyone has passed without having any solid answers but specifically answers about how they felt. I don’t take issue with there being an afterlife or not, I also don’t have an answer for it either. I envy people who do but it’s not as concerning to me as what happens when you are here and how you feel. I have very religious friends who find purpose in everything they do because it is for a higher power. I also have people in my life who know 100% there is no god and therefore they have no questions. I am equally jealous of both people. That gives them answers. ‘I know everything I am doing is for the right reason for my higher power’ or ‘we live, we die, that’s it, nothing more.’ But death only leaves me with more questions and it’s absolutely because 50% of what I worry about is just if I am doing a good enough job, working hard enough, ever going to be happy or if my family and friends are proud of me. All reasons to be doing it but at the moment without answers.

With all the overarching issues we are facing I go back and forth each day trying to keep myself grounded and pay attention to myself while also being a global citizen. You know what? That’s pretty fucking hard. I care greatly about my family and friends and spend time worrying about them. I, unfortunately, moderately keep up with the dumpster fire that is this country’s politics but in reality I ate a can of beans and top ramen for breakfast and I have been sleeping on a top sheet that is too small to tuck into the bed instead of the fitted sheet for over a month. And what’s more interesting is that I am fine with it.

I just hope that my grandfather is half as happy and as proud about what he did as I am of him and what he created. Those are the questions I want answers too. I think he does and I think he knew how much EVERYONE loved him, he was a cocky fella, so he had to.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion.

Cheap Last Minute Valentine Gift Ideas

Aside from comedy and basketball, my passion truly lies in helping other people. That is why I compiled this list of last minute Valentine’s gift ideas that will leave you with a very happy partner, a full wallet and jealous friends because they didn’t think of these. Unless they also read this but then you just have super cool friends and that is exciting as well. This list is full of last minute ideas that twist the norms, push the boundaries and always end in sex. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

1. Chocolate Box Without Chocolate – Don’t buy a new one. Find an empty one, maybe from years ago. Take the wrappers and the gross cherry ones you never ate out of it and put something in there that they actually like. How jacked would you be if you opened a chocolate box, expected an assortment of chocolates containing only 3-5 types that you will actually eat, and inside was just as many tacos or chicken nuggets as the love of your life (clearly) could fit inside? So jacked. Done.

2. Real Love Coupons – This is a classic move, for those of us that are poor at planning. Make a little coupon booklet that your partner can turn in for sweet things like 1 back rub or a hug or something else dumb. NO. We take it to the next level, give them some coupons they will be excited to use. My suggestions include: “1 use of ‘no’ when I say ‘we need to talk.'” “1 excused absence from a family gathering you don’t want to go to.” “1 excused night where you get to get too drunk and no matter how much you throw up or cry I still have to help you nurse your hangover the next day,” or “butt stuff.” You know, real value.

3. Actual Stuffed Animal – Again, don’t buy a new one. If you have the supplies for this don’t even leave the house. Find a stuffed animal of theirs, moderately loved, maybe one you purchased in a past point of weakness. Cut open the back of the squishy friend at the seam, pull out some stuffing, insert some weed, mushrooms, cocaine or mini booze bottles (whatever your partner prefers), do a terrible stitching job so they can open it easily later. Finally, have the best night/into the morning you have ever had.

4. Whore-made Card – Get a little crafty, don’t be afraid to use some crayons for once. Make a classic folded card, write something very sweet on the front “Happy Valentine’s Day to the Love of My Life.” Beautiful. Now on the inside draw (or print and paste) a picture of some real freaky shit they would be into. Maybe something you haven’t done in awhile, putting stuff in places they usually aren’t allowed to go, draw an extra person in there with you, whatever will get them going. The key here is that you are showing that you listen, you know what they like, you want to fulfill their dreams at least in a 2-dimensional fashion.

5. Sacrifice Your Body – Although all of these should end with nudity, this one is when you just let the cat out of the bag (pun intended) right away. Light a few candles, be completely naked just hanging out of the couch when they walk in the door. Ideally, there is some soft sexy music, the candle light flickers across the Twister mat you have laid out on the ground. There won’t be any questions on this one. They know what’s up.

There you go my friends, don’t get caught in the same pattern as every other unhappy couple, who forces themselves to get whatever they think they are supposed to get. Take your Valentine’s game up a notch, show you care as long as it is something you can accomplish the day of. You can pick one or all of these options and still have a successful evening of passion and possibly drug induced love.

I hope your day is now filled with love. 🙂

Image result for valentine's day gift baskets

OR JUST ORDER SOME FREAKY STUFF FROM AMAZON. They have some real intense stuff on there.

The Birthday Break-Down Dance Fight

Yesterday was my birthday so this post gets to be about me and my feelings. Gross. If you have been around, reading what I write, watching my stand-up, listening to my podcast or just hearing me talk you may be aware that I have a pattern of mild mental break-downs each year around my birthday. I don’t think I am the only one to do this but I do know the most about how mine go.

Break It Down

Typically, the break-down starts a week or two before and I start aggressively re-evaluating everything in my life. Every decision I have made, the people I do and do not associate myself with and what I am currently doing and how it is not adequate enough. Some people never do this, some people do this once a year, some people just call this “the morning.”

Instead of spending more time during the year investigating why I feel this way, I simply had learned to deal with it by distancing myself from everything and letting myself actually feel all the insecurities and doubts. Once it’s done, I return to ‘civilization.’ I suppose people who take a vacation for their birthday each year are doing just that. Last year, I went camping by myself for the the first time and although in years past I have had a big party with all my different groups a friends, I think I secretly knew I always needed the alone time.

This pattern started on my 21st birthday, when I decided to work at the trampoline facility until midnight and then go home alone (yes, my life has always been this glamorous). It had been a very tough year for me and I know that is quite the opposite of a 21st birthday but it did seem like what I wanted to do. I was sad at the time and other people get very sad for me when I tell them that story but I do not think doing it differently would have been a good idea. I remember sitting in my bedroom after work, being alone, just thinking and not doing anything. I listened to Florence + the Machine and that was it.

Each of my next birthdays did have a party part to it and they were fun and I enjoyed them. I do love my friends and family, I have great ones. The party is always the perfect excuse to get all those cool people together but I still always do something by myself. In years past I have taken myself to dinner, gone to a park that I like or taken a trip alone. Although it can be painful to be alone with how you are really feeling, I think it is healing and I recommend it to you as a gift to yourself. If I could live at a retreat I would. Essentially, I have learned to embrace the break-down. I write about it every year and just let it happen.

Why This Year Was Different

This year has felt a tad different. Maybe 27 is the year I stop caring so much. I don’t really know what made this year different. Could it be that I am more financially stable than years past? Absolutely not, quite the opposite. Could it be because I feel I am in a better mental place than before? Not at all. Could it be because of love? Nope, why would that ever happen.

The few differences I have deciphered include being older. But you are older every year? I know that. This is the first year I have been told ‘I look good for my age.’ People have often told me -usually with no make up and my hair up- that I look young but this is the first year a woman was informed it was my 27th birthday and said  ‘you look good’ but qualified it with ‘for my age.’ All you other 27 year olds need to step your games up.

I have made quite a few mistakes this year letting stress and pain get the best of me and maybe it has left me too tired to care. Or I did let myself re-evaluate on a more constant basis so I don’t have to pack it all in to one time. Because of both of those things, I am medicated and that may lead to a dulling of the feelings I normally have about my birthday.

Or maybe I did something right for once. Maybe that’s it. I moved and traveled a lot this year. Within the last few months I addressed my crippling anxiety, started working out constantly, barely kept myself afloat financially and set some very specific, very thought out goals for 2017. Maybe all that has alleviated some of the tension. I recognized I need to have more time alone and outside so I have been doing that. I cut some negatives from my life and added back some things I know I love. I also, take the time to tell people I love and that help me how great they are. So maybe, I broke a little less because I cared a little more throughout the year instead of cramming it into a week. We’ll try again this year and I’ll let ya know how it goes.

My birthday was great, I spent the weekend in New Orleans with my mom and did my first half marathon with her. Then yesterday, my actual birthday, we walked around the city together and I got to show her one of the coolest places I have gotten to travel before we headed back to our respective homes. I loved it. Now, I will do my own outdoorsy bullshit and I will be ready to take on another year.

Thank you to everyone who sent messages, comments, texts, e-mails, calls and voice mails yesterday. I appreciate you and your kindness during what has previously been a break-down-dance time for me. 🙂

If someone else’s birthday is coming up, use this banner to buy them something on Amazon 🙂

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