Month: January 2017

I Know What America’s Problem Is

After a year and a half of watching people argue online, taking notes on what really fires us up as Americans and what really fires me up, I have figured it out. Second only to grammar mistakes, the reason people are so mad at each other is because our number one purpose in life is to get in other people’s business. Grammar mistakes could possibly fall under that same umbrella. We are upset about the
things other people are doing, that frequently don’t affect us and they are upset that we are upset. It’s not our fault, we’re still Americans… nothing is our fault. Someone else made us into this, potentially on purpose so that they could manipulate us by showing us other people’s stuff to get in.

Internet Mind Control And How It Works

Yes, I am writing a blog about this and that hypocrisy is not lost on me, it’s as if I did it on purpose. Here at we are only trying to highlight the comedy that is in the bullshit. I do genuinely want to draw our attention to the fact our natural longing to snoop in other people’s shit has been monopolized by people who are smarter than us. Possibly a symptom of technological advances, not that those advances allow us to peer into each other’s lives more easily but that they make everything else so mindless that we get bored and need to know what you are up to in order to entertain ourselves. You don’t even have to use your words to have a stranger bring food to your door anymore.

Social media is the new medicine cabinet. There is some biological explanation for why I think it is a horrible idea you got engaged but then spent 45 minutes going through all of your engagement photos. You look like assholes and I want to see it. Even if you did a good job of staying out of other people’s business, the next time you are in any real-life social space someone is going to ask if you saw what Sarah posted on her Facebook or read that blog post that Monica put up. You want to be able to be involved in the conversation. A major part of the world can be seen as a gossip site and America is the comment section that got real racist for no apparent reason.

The petty, childish social stuff is not what is wrong with America. What that conditioning has spawned is the problem. It’s our incessant need to be involved in other people’s business and lives when we are not satisfied or entertained by our own. I could screenshot some terrible examples that have come up in the last week but I’m sure you have been traumatized enough. What I am talking about is the need to argue with each other because what they think about the things that you think is worth arguing over until neither of you know who’s life you’re talking about. Not them, their life is perfect and they have run out of things to worry about. So much so that when a bunch of people decided to go for a walk at the same time, it made them so mad. I struggle with this concept because if you didn’t go for the walk, you did everything you can do to change that. If you think tweeting people who took the time to make a witty sign that you hope they get raped is going to get some of them to change their minds, I very seriously question the presence of brain activity.

The Real Problem With America

The problem isn’t that you are upset about something that affects you, it’s that you want to meddle in other people’s lives so constantly that you forget about your own life and how most of this has nothing to do with you. It is just another vein to run unsubstantiated hatred through. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for us to keep our mouths shut about stuff that doesn’t affect us. The curiosity is understandable, it’s the ability to call people out and anonymously attack them about it that is new and out of control. Look in the medicine cabinet but don’t run out of the bathroom with their Valtrex in hand, screaming that they are a whore. As soon as they point out a different name on the bottle or tell some heartbreaking story about why they would have that in the first place, you are going to look like a grade-A dick bag. Why does every little thing have to be an argument? America feels like the parents that should have gotten divorced years ago but stayed together for the kids even though the kids won’t talk to them anymore.

The part every single person should be upset about is that we got tricked. They got us, they did it all on purpose. “They” being the smarter people that targeted us dummies, who love gossip so much it’s in the title of many of our favorite entertainment sources. They were smart enough to use our need to know what’s in the medicine cabinet, what you said in your diary, your e-mails or your text messages against us. I – so badly – want to know what freaky stuff you have waiting in your Amazon basket. Our natural curiosity has been turned against us by removing the filter on our constant judgment.

What Can I Do To Fix This Problem?

What can you do to fix this problem? Great question. Nothing, the answer is nothing. Doing nothing actually helps us out a ton. Don’t argue with people, don’t comment, don’t start political conversations with people you know you disagree with. Do nothing. You would think that would be an easier thing to do for Americans but that’s what you get for stereotyping. The only people you need to be angry at are the people who actually make decisions. Government representatives are literally the only people who have any power to change something. You can contact them, vote or do nothing those are your options. Or these very simple specifics:

  1. If you are anti-abortion, don’t get an abortion.
  2. If you cannot get pregnant, don’t worry about making choices for a pregnant woman.
  3. If you are against marriage equality, don’t marry someone of the same sex.
  4. If you don’t agree with a protest, take your daily walk at a different time.
  5. If you see people fighting on the internet, pretend it is a read-only version.

Do these things and the pain will subside for you individually, which is the first step in fixing the whole problem. Imagine each internet fight is the exact same as fighting with your spouse. The most logical and efficient thing to do is to take time to clear your head instead of arguing at the height of your anger. This is how to avoid bringing up “that one time with the barista” or whatever.

Next time someone wants to argue just walk out of the comment section like:


6 Easy Ways To Make 2017 THE BEST

New year, new you? How about same you with some new shit! If 2016 sucked here are some simple ways to make 2017 the best. I mean real simple. If 2016 was awesome, I can 100% guarantee that these simple additions to your life will make 2017 even better or your money back! What money? Exactly.

Here are 6 not-so-New Year’s resolutions to help you resolve problems you haven’t been paying attention to:

Stay Out Of It

Want to decrease the amount of conflict in your life? Stop talking. Studies show that 100% of people who reported involvement in arguments in 2016 initiated them by saying something. This trend seems to be connected to an increase in internet confidence and comment culture.

I’m not suggesting you never say anything, especially if there is some kind of injustice or something you feel strongly about, please speak your mind. It’s when it has nothing to do with you or has no benefit to either party that scientists are telling us getting involved leads to the most volatile arguing. Basically, if you feel like saying something mean to someone, especially if it’s about feeling an emotion that you think is invalid, just don’t.

We watch people say stupid things or have dumb ideas – like getting engaged – everyday. The smart ones know not to say anything that could lead to an argument because chances are they will figure out how dumb it is on their own.


Eat tacos. It will absolutely make you happier and it is a food that has classic, gluten free, vegetarian and vegan options. Get them from a truck, stand or folding table outside your apartment if you are lucky. Every time you think you are going to lose it or get into an argument, take a walk, get a taco.

Get Self

This isn’t a Bow Flex commercial, I would be getting paid for that. However, I do think your body is the most intricate and important part of having a good year. If you are ill or in any kind of pain that’s what you remember about that year. Deep, deep down I don’t think people choose weight loss as a resolution because they want people to think they are hot. I think it is because you want to feel better all over, mental health included. We equate in-shape bodies with health and wellness but that’s not necessarily true. I do think exercise is a great way to feel better physically, help with body pains and relieve stress and anxiety. But if you are taking up exercise to hope that a tight bod will change your life based on other people’s reactions, you are doing it wrong. Most people are dicks because of their on insecurities anyway.

If you treat your total self, I’m talking physical, mental and spiritual (however you define it) health like the most important things to you, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. In a real fitness study, it is proven that the healthiest people gain success by intrinsic motivation. I don’t think everyone should be body builders, in fact I advise against that, but I think you should be happy and feel good about your body and your mind. If you don’t feel those things let’s add some exercise, different foods and meditation (like the ones I put out monthly) to the mix. I guarantee there is no way those three things would make anything worse. Do it.

Finish The Guacamole

Eat whatever makes you feel good but if you haven’t tried homemade guacamole, you are going to have a rough year. Easy to make (I’ll send my recipe if you want) and avocados are a super food. Plus you are essentially tricking yourself into some of the best vegetables by putting them on chips. Finish it all. Yes it’s good for you but if you try and save it your guests will think you shit in a bowl and put it in the fridge, making for a tough rest of the year. Just finish it all.

Give To Charity

If for no other reason than to look like a nice person. Aside from the help you are actually providing to other humans and animals giving to charity will change your life on a personal level.

  • You will feel good about yourself because you helped someone.
  • You will absolutely get more dates and/or sexual favors because people will think you are a good person.
  • It is an easy way to repent for something you feel guilty about. Drink too much? Mean to the grocery store clerk? Make an offensive joke? Donate to a charity.
  • Celebrities do it all the time and they are supposed to be cool.
  • I have a podcast that not only talks about fun, silly, nice stuff on the weekly but also highlights a different charity each week that you may be interested in helping!

Do It

Whatever the thing is you want to do and always wanted to, do it. The small things or the big move. Let yourself be happy. It will be hard, you will question the choice and it will take some time but it will definitely be worth it. Set realistic goals, give yourself a time frame and do something you have been too afraid to do. Don’t wait t lose a family member or have a breakdown to be reminded you have a finite amount of time here. Whether you want to finally get a new job or take that long trip you always wanted, do it, you won’t regret doing it.

Some of you may be thinking these were really simple things that you already thought of – except the guacamole thing, you know you didn’t think of that – that’s kind of the point. These are the things we all know and should be doing anyway. I disguised my own resolutions as this blog post to help you. I do think adding one of these things or at least one more taco to your year will improve it immensely. Stop thinking about the year on this grand scale of politics and celebrity deaths. Get back to you, this year is your turn at the karaoke of life, IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!


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