Comedian

Tag: Valentine’s Day

Singles Awareness Day? We’re Aware…

All the single people, all the single people… stop worrying about us.

Dear Couples,

Don’t worry about your single friends on Valentine’s Day. There are a few things that could be going on and none of them will be fixed by you telling them they’ll be ok, be happy one day or that they can be the third on your date. They know you are interested in the single lifestyle and how they are doing, they know. Is being single better than being in a relationship? No. Is it better than being in YOUR relationship? Quite possibly. Yes, it gets lonely, please stop asking. Here are some possible reasons this person doesn’t have a Valentine:

  1. They don’t want one: I know this is hard to believe but some people don’t want a Valentine. Some people are happy being single, maybe they want to be on their own for once, order food and be lazy without another person judging them. Buy the candy they like instead of hoping someone else will remember and not judge them. Why let a date ruin your ability to wear sweatpants. Some people enjoy their alone time and I know I get hungry whether another person is there or not.
  2. They don’t believe in it: I know plenty of couples that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because they don’t play into the idea you should be told when to treat your partner special, you can do that whenever you want. Or they don’t celebrate because they hate each other and they don’t want to break that streak. So it’s not so crazy that a single person wouldn’t feel pressure to partake in a ‘holiday’ that is based around buying stuff you don’t need.
  3. They are picky: This is a hard one for a lot of coupled people to understand but some single people have high standards. Maybe your friend is patiently waiting for the person that makes them want to celebrate Valentine’s Day to come into their life and they are well aware that person is not your boyfriend’s friend from work.

There could be plenty of other reasons that your friend you have deemed lonely does not want to participate in Valentine’s Day. Whatever their reason, I can guarantee you are not making it better by ‘trying to help.’

Dear Singles,

Don’t worry about your coupled friends. This is what I have recently come to understand about being single around couples. As the genius I am, last week I invited 6 couples to my own birthday party where I was alone, so I believe I am a seasoned extra wheel. This is what I have figured out, other people’s relationships have nothing to do with us!

What?

Yeah.

Just because you see someone else is in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have one too. A lot of times that makes us go “aw, I wish I was good enough for something like that.” Or whatever. When you could be thinking “oh thank goodness that exists.” I have been on this new ‘be happy for happy couples’ thing and I really like it. For a long time I looked at my parents and thought ‘these happy bitches, always having fun together, married for a long time, making my standards so high!’ But what I should have been thinking was ‘oh thank god, someone as weird as me can have that.’

It’s actually kind of fun being happy for other healthy couples. In reality, your own loneliness doesn’t get better if they don’t work out. That just affirms something in your head that tells you it’s not possible. So today I have been spending my time liking all their cute photos and sappy posts because I do actually want that to exist. You do too, even if it’s not for yourself.

Don’t let your coupled friends make you feel any pressure in being single anyway, there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and being right. There is something so right with infinite patience and when you find that (it’s not easy) then something good will happen. Until then, have a Happy Secretly Eating a Fuck-Ton of Carbs Day!

Monica

Cheap Last Minute Valentine Gift Ideas

Aside from comedy and basketball, my passion truly lies in helping other people. That is why I compiled this list of last minute Valentine’s gift ideas that will leave you with a very happy partner, a full wallet and jealous friends because they didn’t think of these. Unless they also read this but then you just have super cool friends and that is exciting as well. This list is full of last minute ideas that twist the norms, push the boundaries and always end in sex. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

1. Chocolate Box Without Chocolate – Don’t buy a new one. Find an empty one, maybe from years ago. Take the wrappers and the gross cherry ones you never ate out of it and put something in there that they actually like. How jacked would you be if you opened a chocolate box, expected an assortment of chocolates containing only 3-5 types that you will actually eat, and inside was just as many tacos or chicken nuggets as the love of your life (clearly) could fit inside? So jacked. Done.

2. Real Love Coupons – This is a classic move, for those of us that are poor at planning. Make a little coupon booklet that your partner can turn in for sweet things like 1 back rub or a hug or something else dumb. NO. We take it to the next level, give them some coupons they will be excited to use. My suggestions include: “1 use of ‘no’ when I say ‘we need to talk.'” “1 excused absence from a family gathering you don’t want to go to.” “1 excused night where you get to get too drunk and no matter how much you throw up or cry I still have to help you nurse your hangover the next day,” or “butt stuff.” You know, real value.

3. Actual Stuffed Animal – Again, don’t buy a new one. If you have the supplies for this don’t even leave the house. Find a stuffed animal of theirs, moderately loved, maybe one you purchased in a past point of weakness. Cut open the back of the squishy friend at the seam, pull out some stuffing, insert some weed, mushrooms, cocaine or mini booze bottles (whatever your partner prefers), do a terrible stitching job so they can open it easily later. Finally, have the best night/into the morning you have ever had.

4. Whore-made Card – Get a little crafty, don’t be afraid to use some crayons for once. Make a classic folded card, write something very sweet on the front “Happy Valentine’s Day to the Love of My Life.” Beautiful. Now on the inside draw (or print and paste) a picture of some real freaky shit they would be into. Maybe something you haven’t done in awhile, putting stuff in places they usually aren’t allowed to go, draw an extra person in there with you, whatever will get them going. The key here is that you are showing that you listen, you know what they like, you want to fulfill their dreams at least in a 2-dimensional fashion.

5. Sacrifice Your Body – Although all of these should end with nudity, this one is when you just let the cat out of the bag (pun intended) right away. Light a few candles, be completely naked just hanging out of the couch when they walk in the door. Ideally, there is some soft sexy music, the candle light flickers across the Twister mat you have laid out on the ground. There won’t be any questions on this one. They know what’s up.

There you go my friends, don’t get caught in the same pattern as every other unhappy couple, who forces themselves to get whatever they think they are supposed to get. Take your Valentine’s game up a notch, show you care as long as it is something you can accomplish the day of. You can pick one or all of these options and still have a successful evening of passion and possibly drug induced love.

I hope your day is now filled with love. 🙂

Image result for valentine's day gift baskets

OR JUST ORDER SOME FREAKY STUFF FROM AMAZON. They have some real intense stuff on there.

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