Monica Nevi

Comedian

Category: Uncategorized

6 Easy Ways To Make 2017 THE BEST

New year, new you? How about same you with some new shit! If 2016 sucked here are some simple ways to make 2017 the best. I mean real simple. If 2016 was awesome, I can 100% guarantee that these simple additions to your life will make 2017 even better or your money back! What money? Exactly.

Here are 6 not-so-New Year’s resolutions to help you resolve problems you haven’t been paying attention to:

Stay Out Of It

Want to decrease the amount of conflict in your life? Stop talking. Studies show that 100% of people who reported involvement in arguments in 2016 initiated them by saying something. This trend seems to be connected to an increase in internet confidence and comment culture.

I’m not suggesting you never say anything, especially if there is some kind of injustice or something you feel strongly about, please speak your mind. It’s when it has nothing to do with you or has no benefit to either party that scientists are telling us getting involved leads to the most volatile arguing. Basically, if you feel like saying something mean to someone, especially if it’s about feeling an emotion that you think is invalid, just don’t.

We watch people say stupid things or have dumb ideas – like getting engaged – everyday. The smart ones know not to say anything that could lead to an argument because chances are they will figure out how dumb it is on their own.

Tacos

Eat tacos. It will absolutely make you happier and it is a food that has classic, gluten free, vegetarian and vegan options. Get them from a truck, stand or folding table outside your apartment if you are lucky. Every time you think you are going to lose it or get into an argument, take a walk, get a taco.

Get Self

This isn’t a Bow Flex commercial, I would be getting paid for that. However, I do think your body is the most intricate and important part of having a good year. If you are ill or in any kind of pain that’s what you remember about that year. Deep, deep down I don’t think people choose weight loss as a resolution because they want people to think they are hot. I think it is because you want to feel better all over, mental health included. We equate in-shape bodies with health and wellness but that’s not necessarily true. I do think exercise is a great way to feel better physically, help with body pains and relieve stress and anxiety. But if you are taking up exercise to hope that a tight bod will change your life based on other people’s reactions, you are doing it wrong. Most people are dicks because of their on insecurities anyway.

If you treat your total self, I’m talking physical, mental and spiritual (however you define it) health like the most important things to you, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. In a real fitness study, it is proven that the healthiest people gain success by intrinsic motivation. I don’t think everyone should be body builders, in fact I advise against that, but I think you should be happy and feel good about your body and your mind. If you don’t feel those things let’s add some exercise, different foods and meditation (like the ones I put out monthly) to the mix. I guarantee there is no way those three things would make anything worse. Do it.

Finish The Guacamole

Eat whatever makes you feel good but if you haven’t tried homemade guacamole, you are going to have a rough year. Easy to make (I’ll send my recipe if you want) and avocados are a super food. Plus you are essentially tricking yourself into some of the best vegetables by putting them on chips. Finish it all. Yes it’s good for you but if you try and save it your guests will think you shit in a bowl and put it in the fridge, making for a tough rest of the year. Just finish it all.

Give To Charity

If for no other reason than to look like a nice person. Aside from the help you are actually providing to other humans and animals giving to charity will change your life on a personal level.

  • You will feel good about yourself because you helped someone.
  • You will absolutely get more dates and/or sexual favors because people will think you are a good person.
  • It is an easy way to repent for something you feel guilty about. Drink too much? Mean to the grocery store clerk? Make an offensive joke? Donate to a charity.
  • Celebrities do it all the time and they are supposed to be cool.
  • I have a podcast that not only talks about fun, silly, nice stuff on the weekly but also highlights a different charity each week that you may be interested in helping!

Do It

Whatever the thing is you want to do and always wanted to, do it. The small things or the big move. Let yourself be happy. It will be hard, you will question the choice and it will take some time but it will definitely be worth it. Set realistic goals, give yourself a time frame and do something you have been too afraid to do. Don’t wait t lose a family member or have a breakdown to be reminded you have a finite amount of time here. Whether you want to finally get a new job or take that long trip you always wanted, do it, you won’t regret doing it.

Some of you may be thinking these were really simple things that you already thought of – except the guacamole thing, you know you didn’t think of that – that’s kind of the point. These are the things we all know and should be doing anyway. I disguised my own resolutions as this blog post to help you. I do think adding one of these things or at least one more taco to your year will improve it immensely. Stop thinking about the year on this grand scale of politics and celebrity deaths. Get back to you, this year is your turn at the karaoke of life, IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!

 

The Most Concerning Poll Results this ENTIRE Election!

The media tells us something different about the 2016 Presidential Election everyday. Clinton is winning today but Trump is winning tomorrow. The only information scarier than what the media is reporting is what they are not. There are things going on in our country and on an individual level that we are ignoring. Everyday our overall lack of self-awareness, the presence of self-hate and our inherent ability to just be mean to ourselves and one another are marching us closer to the end of times.debate1

At this point you are wondering what I am talking about. A week ago I took it upon myself to start a twitter poll asking one of the most important questions asked this year. The poll and results brought up some tremendous concerns on literal and figurative levels.

The Question

If time travel was possible and a future version of yourself returned to your current self and offered to go down on you, would you do it?

The Results:
twitter-poll
It was a tight race most of the time. Yes was up for quite awhile. Then No. Then Yes. Then No.

The Concern

First of all, there is a right answer. It is yes. The concern with the majority ending up swaying to the no side is that there is a blatant lack of self-love happening. If we can’t even love ourselves, how are we supposed to love anyone else? I have always said, why would I expect anyone else to want to have a box lunch or have sex with me if I wouldn’t consider it myself? Think about the product you are putting out there before criticizing other people for not wanting it. If you are confident in yourself, they will be drawn to you. Secondly, you don’t have to tell anyone. Even if you were embarrassed by kneeling at your own altar, which you shouldn’t be, you could 100% keep it a secret. I can’t even tell who voted for what on twitter unless you added a clever disclaimer. My initial thought is if you are afraid to say yes for some feeling of shame, there is probably another list of things you are hiding. Finally, since it is hypothetical at this point you get to pick what version of yourself it is. You can get your shit together, you can be the body type or personality type you want to be and then be rewarded for the work you have yet to put into that body. If you are having issues with your own confidence you get to make your future self who you want to be, which is a fun exercise. What can you add to your life to allow yourself time travel self pleasure?

Great Points by Voters

Much like the election, the poll led to some points that I hadn’t even thought of from both sides. Some had concerns about what their future self might look like:

Although I had not considered that, I figured it is a hypothetical and you can make yourself as hot as you want. Which brings us back to the original point of lacking self worth. You can make your body however you want it in a fantasy, the second guy wanted a bigger version of himself. You get to chose how hot you are but your negative thoughts about yourself aren’t allowing you to do that. Others nailed this part:

I didn’t necessarily mean for it to be a divisive question and was honestly prepared for people to be full of humor and self love and say yes. However, some people were just as appalled as I was and let us know their reasons:

The Flaws

There are a few flaws in the process:

  1. Small voter turnout. It is a known political science statistic that results stop varying after a sample size of 1,200 votes are taken, which was well off from 53 voters in this poll.
  2. Voter requirements. Although advertised on other social media outlets, the voter must have had a twitter account to be able to participate in the poll, leaving many unable to vote.
  3. Potential voter fraud. There was one conservative voter than was very unhappy with the idea that people may want to say yes to themselves and after leaving the polling headquarters to go hang out with a group of registered but uncounted voters the numbers jumped up on the no side.

I am not saying the results would be different had these flaws been addressed but it may be worth trying again.

The Election

What does this have to do with current Presidential Election that will wrap up in just a matter of days? So much. We have spent the last year compiling reasons why we hate each of the candidates and letting those drops of hatred creep into our feelings for one another and based on this poll our feelings for ourselves. The fact that every single one of us does not shout “YES!” when asked if we would let our future self go down on us is a sad reflection of what we think the future holds for healthcare, education, science programs and equality in our nation. If we can’t be confident enough in the United States of America’s ability to provide healthcare affordable enough that all of our futures include a healthy and attractive body to visit the southern regions, an America with an education system that promotes self worth and love, science programs that make this scenario less hypothetical and more realistic or provide an environment where people of any race, religion, socio-economic background, mental health, gender or sexual orientation feel confident in who they are and comfortable enough with themselves that they feel excited about letting their time traveling clone go to work downstairs then I think we are in far more trouble than we realized.

The moral of the story is that we need to vote, for the best interest of ourselves and upholding the important things we hold dear to each of us. You should be number one on your list all the time, you’re great. The other important part to realize is that this was just another perfect example of how my freedom of speech allowed me to use something so ridiculous to force my positive thoughts on you. I love you and it’s okay if you don’t like it. Here are two things you can do to help you get to “I love myself so  much I would go down on myself” levels of thinking:

Mellowing Out with Monica – November Meditation

listen to the HugLife Podcast (huglifepodcast.com) and buy a You’re Great shirt to remind yourself 🙂 Get it here.

youre-great-red

 

What is Lost

Here is the new website. I like it a lot and have worked on it hard in the last couple of days. Like all of the whole days. It’s beautiful, it has fun new pictures, my calendar is updated, they let me name the tabs (obviously) and you can send me messages on the Say Something Nice page! But gains cannot come without losses.

“It’s only when we have lost everything that we’re free to do anything” -Chuck Palahniuk

Yep, I can do whatever I want. Like quote Fight Club. Unfortunately, the beauty of the new website does come from the sad, sad loss of all of my blogs from the past. This one hurts the worst because I was very proud of some of the things I had recently written and was also in the process of writing a multi-part story about my birthday. I will have to start over, much like moving, am I right? Not going to do it.

“Everyone smiles with an invisible gun to their head” -Also, Chuck Palahniuk

Same book. Look forward to hearing from you.

Monica

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