Monica Nevi

Comedian

Month: June 2016

Would You Rather? Bernie v.s. Hilary

On the eve of the very important California Democratic Primary, this might be the last time it is relevant to play one of my favorite games with these two candidates. I love the game Would You Rather, it’s like politics for dumb people. You take two scenarios of which you HAVE to choose one them, no other way out. It is like a litmus test, exactly like that. So let’s take a stroll through this last stretch together and talk about the things that WE care about when it comes to these candidates.

So… Who Would You Rather:

hillary_clinton_bernie_sanders

Go to an NBA Finals Game With

Election year during the greatest season a team has had, possibly ever, makes basketball more important this year than in any other election. AND the last important place they need votes from happens to be the golden land of the warriors that are fighting that battle. So this is a far more important question than you are giving it credit for. Both can pander to those fans and whoever wins the nomination can definitely use it in November. “You guys got robbed” or “take Steph’s team away and he’s nothing, Lebron carries that team” or “of course Lebron is good, he’s huge. Try being a little guy and still be one of the most well-rounded, greatest shooters of all time”… depending on the outcome.

Now I know some of you are thinking Bernie was at a Western Conference Finals game! Of course you want to go with him! No. I am a basketball purist, I need no one with me, especially some dude in a suit “sitting with the American people” not sporting a team in a sea of yellow. I stand up and clap when I watch games at home, I don’t need to sit in the middle of everyone to feel it. So this is why I chose the richer, non-sports fan candidate. If you’re a sports fan, you have attended many games in the nose bleeds, in the cold/rain (Seattle), in the heat just so you can be there with your team. I am all too familiar, I am women’s basketball fan, we go to games when no one else is there. So if I get to chose who I go with!?!? Of course I pick Hillary because she is the outsider, she will do everything she can to be comfortable (box seats), she wants everyone to like her and feels she is making up for mistakes (free drinks), she loves it when you are happy to the point where no matter how much she hates the game or you (Bill) she won’t leave until you want to go and she wants to promote her solidarity so now we have matching jerseys she purchased.

Hillary.

Be Friends with a Movie Character by Their Name

I am a Christmas freak. Love the time of year, love the holiday, not religious. I listened to Christmas music on my drive to and from San Diego yesterday, which is just where I happened to be driving as I usually listen to it no matter where I am going. One of the classic Christmas movies I enjoy is The Santa Claus. Tim Allen getting fat and becoming Santa while also still being a little bit perverted, tis the season. If you remember correctly Bernard is the name of the head elf at the North Pole. Bernard doesn’t take any shit and OBVIOUSLY runs a tight ship, since Christmas gets done every year in that movie. I’m in. Bernard and I could take over the world together.

Maybe you are not a Christmas person, celebrate something else during that time or just don’t buy in. Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s. Boom, rich guy, awesome party house, doesn’t talk too much. Sure he was going to have the main characters killed in the beginning but that didn’t work out so now it’s just a good time. His arms move oddly similar to those of Bernie Sanders as well.

Hillary Whitney Essex from Beaches. Although there are some striking similarities between this character and the real Hillary (rich girl, two ladies going for the same man, etc.) I don’t think we would work. I do struggle to find common ground with people who comes from very rich backgrounds and although she does end up cherishing a friendship with a struggling entertainer like myself it is still a lot of turbulence in the process and I don’t need that.

Bernie.

Have Sex with

Although I am pretty confident both have eaten a box before this is a tough question and I suppose really depends on what you are into. For example, Bernie seems a little more loving, maybe more generous, you tell him what you want and he does it. I dare say he has been with a diverse group of ladies in his day and has respected each of them accordingly. I do see him checking in a lot “are you ok? is this allowed? let’s just check on the consent here” which can be kind of annoying but necessary. He is not concerned about his on orgasm, more about you. However, I am a no-pain for the pleasure type of girl, so this works for me.

Hillary seems like more of boss in the sheets. She’ll tell you how this is going to go and tell you how you are going to like it. People are into that, if she can throw you around she will. I will go so far as to say her and Bill are possibly into some kinky stuff, bringing things into the bedroom or other people maybe. We are aware she keeps hot sauce in her bag, so we know she can take a dick. Regardless if you pick Hillary for your bang sesh prez, Bill will be watching.

I think sex is too subjective and dependent on what you are into or feeling like that day. Therefore I can’t make this call for you. If only we chose a candidate based on their performance in a threesome. But for me-

Bernie.

Beach Volleyball Partner

I want to go Hillary initially because she is a little more squatty and in control of her extremities like any good setter should be. Good solid base and a proportional limbs, I like that in a volleyball partner. Also, her competitive nature seems to stay consistent and in any sport that is important, consistent play from start to finish. You can knock her down and read her e-mails but she will get back up and keep playing. She will never give up no matter what the margin is and she lights that fire under her teammates as well.

Bernie on the other hand is a little bit lankier of an athlete, which in Volleyball can prove helpful. Getting over the net. As neither of these candidates can probably jump anymore his reach would be extremely important for us. Also, we have seen his endurance, stamina and commitment to finishing what he has started. I love that. I feel Bernie might be a little bit more of team player and support me in my play which ultimately helps our whole team rise up. But-

Hillary.

Have as a Parent

Luckily (maybe), for this one we have some examples of how we might turn out if these people were our parents. Their children. Now, we do have a little more to looks at on the Sanders side of things as he does have four kids to Hillary’s one. We are also far more familiar with Chelsea as she has been around just as long at Billary has.

I enjoyed my childhood life with my parents but I much rather have a strong relationship with them as an adult as that is what we all spend the most time doing with them. My parents are awesome to hang out with, I bring them everywhere I can. I would want my President parent to be the same. So who would you rather hang out with? Who can you bring around the in-laws? Who is going to help you when you make mistakes or need support? Who is still going to be tough enough to straighten you up but not too tough so you hate them? Great questions.

I think Chelsea turned out pretty great, especially given that she grew up in the political lime-light her whole life. Formerly a correspondent for NBC and now taking on an important role in the Clinton non-profit foundation. Boom, I’m in. That sounds like a great life. Maybe I am looking past Hillary specifically here as Bill seems like he might be the one you want to ask to go out because mom will say no. Bill seems like the one who lets you have beer at Thanksgiving but you can’t tell mom. Also, you get to hang out with Uncle Rog and he seems like a party but that is still dad’s side. Although we have heard Hillary indulges in the alcohol sometimes I do still feel like she might be a little bit of an uptight, helicopter mom.

Bernie is ready to deal with the adversity that the modern family can bring and I like that. He has four kids, none of which are actually from him and his wife. She had three before their marriage but Bernie considers them his children. As well as his son from his first marriage. This gives us insight into his ability to manage a big household, accept people in his life and embrace their relationships no matter how complicated the beginning. Therefore, you would feel most comfortable bringing people home to this parent, he will love whoever you love. Also, he would totally smoke pot with you when the family gather got overwhelming. Senator Cool Dad.

Bernie.

Based on all these questions I would vote for Bernie. I already voted in Washington though, so none of this matters. I just wanted to get your minds turning about the REAL issues at hand in this election. So pick what’s most important to you -sex, basketball, your volleyball league- and make your decision. Go vote tomorrow if you are in California. Regardless of what happens, I am picking the Democrat in November but you get to decide who beats that moldy orange. Let’s see what more than 50% of the country think and actually get out and vote this time and in November.

This election is one big game of Marry, Fuck, Kill.

SHOCKING: Troll Proves Comedian’s Point

Last week I posted a blog post about ideas regarding hate and violence I had been sitting on for some time. It was met with a mostly positive reactions, which made me very happy as this was a very difficult post to write and I wanted to do it in the most appropriate ways possible. However, there was one person that got caught up in some joke wording that really steered him away from the main idea of the post, which you can read here.

We have an early morning argument that I have been describing as the internet equivalent to talking quietly to someone who is yelling at you. I screenshot what ensued for your entertainment before I did delete the very annoying cyclical argument and I will break it down now.

Strong StartScreenshot (19)The most interesting part of this is that I made a joke in the first three lines of the blog about how white women are stereotyped to hate minorities and run charities. That got nothing. We can see here from the get go that this is never going to “go my way” because he refers to me in the third person while posting directly to my page and then calls her a cunt. You guys are smart, so you see me calmly and eloquently call him a stupid, small-minded, self-hating, misogynist. He does not notice that. Let’s continue.

Projected InsecuritiesScreenshot (20)

I think the disregard for any oppression is just as hindering as blatant projections of discrimination. I try to keep it light and reiterate that he is missing the meaning of the blog by focusing on really just the fact that I am white. However, I can’t actually control myself and I’ll translate my underlying sass. When I said “my post got crossed up with your daily search to dethrone white guilt” I meant “I consider you a white men’s rights activist who is so caught up in your own privilege that you spend time at your mom’s house just looking to troll anyone who is not paying attention to white people exclusively.”

I actually prefer “people Bing” but I trust either just the same. The reason I don’t really get inflamed during this whole thing is that nothing he said ever really upset me -except the cunt word. Nothing else he says is more important than what the actual post was about. Also, saying someone is a descendant of Africa is as specific as calling someone white. Africa is a continent where most black people are from, white people also mostly come from one continent.

Getting Mixed InScreenshot (21)Quickly noting that aside from hateful slurs “scripts I’ve penned” is one of the grossest phrases in this language. Part of his first comment is cut off but you are clearly not missing anything that I felt was worth addressing.

I think it becomes very clear here that he has grouped me into all the other arguments he has had about this certain topic. Which probably progressed similarly because he is still holding onto a lot of frustration about it. I do not like words like tolerance or equality and therefore did not use them in my post. I did use love, my bad. Now, equity is the most important word here because he does not understand it. Because he did not personally oppress (he thinks) anyone then he shouldn’t have to help them now more than he has to help himself. He also needs to be credited for treating people in a way that he is JUST SUPPOSED TO. My dismissive joke about the make my brother’s race conjured up his fear that someone might forget about white people if we don’t reiterate we are not all evil. That constant compensation alone is the the sure sign of a Napoleon Complex. Equity is what is fair, equality changes language and leaves it at that. Here is my favorite illustration to show the difference: 2014_health_equity_SHR_health_equityThe argument continues as some other supporters get involved. Notice again it becomes obvious the dude is not smart enough to get any humor at all. As I stated earlier that I was a cunt because of the need to protect myself from dudes like him, he took that as me telling him it was okay to use that word. Actually it was deflecting and then saying that “people like him” that use hate speech like that make me defensive. Screenshot (22)

I ended it because it was becoming cyclical and really pulling away from the positive direction everyone else was taking it. So I deleted them and put them here. I do want to thank everyone that shared, liked  and commented about it. Especially, to those who sent me personal messages and e-mail that were all super nice. It made me worry even less about this dude.

We talk about it a little bit more on this week’s episode of the HugLife Podcast which you can check out here or on iTunes/Stitcher.

Now imagine me leaving my first internet fight, like this:

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén